Hi Veronica, The sadness in my chest is the other thing I'm looking forward to letting go - it's been there for such a long time now - like an unwelcome visitor that just won't find his way out.
Taking my time with this decision seems like the best way to proceed. Yesterday, I wanted to send her an email just saying it all - and getting it out of the way and done with - that's the impatient part of me that just likes to get things taken care of and move on...but I knew before I even wrote a single word, that sending her a note would be a mistake. So I've decided to talk with her about it by mid January - it's not a set date - just a time that seems right - since the new year will be in motion again, the kids will be back in school, and I'll be back into my routine in CA by then...
The more I think about going back into academics, the happier I get...
Rejection...today I woke up wondering if I am just rejecting the person that rejected me...and wondering if I could find an ounce of more patience in me...more love to offer my W...but I don't think it's there. I still have that pain in my chest - the sadness - and I think a lot of it just comes from the very real fear of how much will change in the next few months - and how necessary it is.
I talked with my W briefly this morning - just to ask her about my baby boy - and she sounded fine - not distant or cold - but not like my wife anymore either. She sounded like any other person I might talk with on the phone - friendly enough - but not personal...
I had a dream about her last night - it was a convoluted dream - but it involved us talking with one another like we used to, and reaching out and touching one another - and it almost felt like a dream to say goodbye to her...in the dream she was still beautiful - and kind - and loving - and not at all how she's been these last eight months. So it was as though I was giving myself a chance to say goodbye to the part of her I loved most.
The very feelings you discuss in this last post are the reason I suggested not to act too precipitously. Just live with the decision for a while.
There is a middle ground, too. You can decide to be done and move forward or on in all ways but legally. This will allow you to sit with the attendant emotions for a while. When I read that you are ready to let go one day and that you wonder if you are just rejecting someone who rejected you the next, I think inaction is the order of the day.
Just let yourself be for a while.
I had a horrible, horrible and particularly graphic dream that set my tailspin in motion yesterday and I am just emerging now. These dreams are so vivid and real. I know how you feel. Let the emotions triggered by that pass.
V.
And thank you for your consistent and thoughtful support through my last few days. Your words and ideas have given me a lot to think about and have helped me pick myself back up.
I'm sorry you had a horrible, horrible dream - I know how hard those can be to get through - as I've had more than my share since this all started.
I've been wondering if part of my reason for wanting to end it - just bring it to a close - is because of unrealistic expectations I had going into the holidays...part of me did think that she might spend a week with her family and have some sort of eye-opening experience - seeing that many of the things she accuses me of - come from them - not from me - though I think that having our baby there with her always gives her a strong buffer against the real issues at play.
I felt terribly sad today...much of the evening I just felt like I was holding back tears...not sure why exactly...at one point I let them come out a bit - and my mother wanted to comfort me - but I just kept telling her that I would be fine - because I know I will be - and she also slips too easily into being critical of my wife when she sees me in pain...so I had to pull myself together a bit and remind my mother that my W is in a tremendous amount of pain - and that she suffered through something terrible - and that the only reason I can't accept being with her is because I don't see any willingness on her part to heal.
My S11 and I are still sick - so that's not helped my mood at all - in that I've not slept well in days...
I'm feeling far too emotional to make any decisions about anything at the moment...I think I just want a break from this all...and just feel so very tired right now.
Well, this is odd...my heart seems to be responding to a decision by my mind by hitting me with more sadness and pain than I had felt in a long time...I wonder why that is? I do know that pain is the way our bodies tell us that something isn't right - and that pain in the heart is also a sign of something not right...and so I wonder...what's not right? Of course, being separated from my W is painful - but being with her, if I am honest, was more painful than this separation - especially over the last five or six months...
So what is my heart trying to tell me? Is it telling me to wait? Is it telling me that there are still unresolved issues that I have to understand and heal through? Or is it just frightened at the thought of being cut off from someone that I love?
My mother asked me tonight, rather out of the blue, if I still love my wife - and I said, "of course I do. I will always love her." She then told me about two friends of hers who's children were separated for 2 and 4 years - and only just recently reconciled. So her motivation was a bit obvious - but the message was fine to hear nonetheless - it was her way of responding to what I had told her yesterday - that I was going to move toward divorce - perhaps she just sensed that it wasn't quite a conviction yet - despite my rational arguments for it.
Or perhaps it's just that I truly believe that divorce is a last resort - and that, having gone through it once, I do not want to do it again...but that's what frustrates me, I suppose, the degree to which the decision is out of my hands. I've even wondered if my wife didn't go up there this time just to put on her good daughter face and come away with financial support for a divorce - which I know she had talked about getting from her mother in the past...well...I would not put that past her parents, the great enablers that they are, and I think part of me just wanted to push for the D as a kind of preemptive strike...which, as I write out, seems all too motivated by the wrong kind of tension.
So where am I now? Feeling like a fool, actually - like someone who doesn't even know what he wants anymore. I spent some time reading about retrouvaille today - and wondered if was too late for us - of if there was a way for me to rediscover that healthier love for my W - and not just the love that keeps me in a state of misery...
We don't talk about anything at all anymore...and certainly don't have any R/M talks - which I think is good - though we hardly have any kind of communication at all. When she first moved out, I told myself to wait for six months and see what could change - for her or for me - just assess everything then, and see how I am feeling...Perhaps I should revisit that idea - and just continue to hold off on us - and take this time for me - and for the unreal amount of work I have to do in order to get my life back in order over the next few months.
While reconnecting with my dissertation chair, I've also been looking for and applying to new jobs - and also looking into what I would have to do to get a teaching position somewhere...having been out of the loop for over a decade seems to make it a bit trickier than I had expected...
Okay...I have more to do tonight - so I should get back to it. Sometimes I just like knowing that somewhere out there, someone is taking the time to care about what I am going through...that compassion helps me more than I can say.
Carlos This is NOT an easy decision for anyone. Please don't beat yourself up for this. I see some doubts in you about this. No one is asking you to decide within the next few weeks even months. I would not put any time frame on this because you just don't know how you will feel in the future. When you are ready to move on, you will know for sure.
Please don't take this as 2x4. This is just my feeling toward my sitch. One thing I keep reminding myself. No matter what the outcome my sitch will be, I will have no regrets.
Focus on your career now will be helpful. Try not to think about your R/M too much for next few days and see.
Good luck, Shifu.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
You are anything but a fool. Please do not spend any energy thinking that way.
It is great that you are so intune with your feelings, feel them and sit with them. There is no rush. Like they all say here, time is your friend. I used to think that meant that given enough time, we'll get what we want. Now I think it means much more than that. Give yourself time to really understand your feelings.
I know what you mean about knowing there are people out there who care about what I am going through and are going through it at the same time. Lots of us here care about you and what you are going through.
Just be, buddy, just be... easiest advice in the world to give, hardest advice to take. That sadness IS trying to tell you something, but it will take time to know exactly what. The neurophysiology of love is not well-understood, but what you are experiencing is a real physical phenomenon occurring as a result of changes in your brain and its interactions with your body... and that phenomenon is a good thing. I think it might be called growth. I struggle with the time issue and the patience issue constantly... how long is too long? What if she's just "playing" me? What if I'm just "playing" myself? It's easy to drown in a sea of what-if's.
Take it easy on yourself, soothe yourself, do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who was experiencing sadness in their life.
Sadness is OK... it is one of the strongest motivators for change we have. In a way, it is like anger without the fear.
I am sad with you, for you and for me and for all the people struggling with love on this board. Be gentle with yourself. Perhaps instead of viewing your situation as a fork in the road, a view that demands you make a decision, you could look at it as a bend in the road... you don't know what's on the other side, so maybe you just need to slow down and give yourself time to relax into the unknown.
I am playing soccer today, and I am really looking forward to it. What are you going to do to help yourself feel better?
Peace.
Me: 33 Her: 39 M: 8 T: 10 K: D15, S4 Separated 10/30/08. My current thread
IMO - the advice given above - "not to do anything too hasty" is good - sit on it and just "be" - nothings spoiling...the fact that you're feeling in 2 minds I think is good...sit and wallow!
Out of that will come a reasoned and rational decision...
take your time!
For the time being - what can you lose by concentrating your efforts - as you have indicated - on the search for a new job?
BTw - what is your area? subject? specialism?
Best - and merry Xmas and a Happy New Year!
GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
I just saw your response to CL and my post. Just wanted to say thank you for your kind words. Really, I am so glad that something I've posted could be helpful to someone else :).
I will post to you in the next day or two after I go through your situation a bit more.
I hope you have a wonderful New Year planned!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
