Separated for 2 months... ice is thawing a little

[Choosing_Life]

Thanks for taking the time to read my long posts, HD. W and I had a pretty serious conversation last night about why we're at where we're at. Because of some of the peculiarities of our separation, I was not sure it was really a WAS situation, but now it seems clear to me that there is a lot of that going on. The thing that has been a real blow to me has been realizing the validity of a lot of her reasons for walking away. I am trying to stay positive and not wallow in guilt. I have identified as my goals the following: patience, love, hope, faith, charity. In practical terms, I feel like my wife is telling me pretty clearly that what she needs now is time and space to make up her mind about us, and to work on some of the issues that she has brought into our marriage. I know I also need time and space, but I am scared that with that much time and space, one or the other or both of us will choose to end this marriage. I know in my head that if that is the case, then that is actually what is best... I just feel very scared and anxious in my heart about that possibility. I guess it's normal to feel that way, it's just that I am kind of an anxious person to begin with and it is pretty challenging for me to deal with that level of uncertainty and anxiety. Still, it is a challenge I am willing to accept. I see no other way. On the positive side, it is clear that we still love each other. There are a lot of hurt feelings and broken trust to overcome, though.

Practical, short-term goal for today: give her space. Do not call her. I will try to post again tonight to see if I meet that goal.

Practical, short-term goal for today: identify negative, pessimistic thought patterns and try to find a way to turn them around. I will try to report on that goal tonight as well.

I am trying to believe that God will help me find my way through this mess, and that wherever I am going is where I need to be. I am a decent person who has made some mistakes. I think the same could be said for W. I love her. I will be patient.