Maybe I should be in piecing part 5?

[Hope4us]

Hi Sandi. Thanks for the post. In your honor I'll make it a long one

Let's see....I don't remember her not introducing me at parties prior to this, but then again, before we relocated we worked in the same office complex so pretty much the only time I wouldn't know her co-workers was when she would take a new position, but she would introduce me to those people when we'd run into them the first time. I don't know if I'm making too much out of that or not. It didn't seem to be anything she did intentionally. It didn't bother me too much when she wouldn't introduce me so much as it would when her co-workers would introduce themselves and W would say "oh yeah, this is H4U". Not her H, just kind of blasé, "this is H4U".

She was definitely putting on a different show with her co-workers than she was with me and the people I work with at her Refinery. Don't know if you've read it or not, but in my job I have some responsibilities at the Refinery she works at, so I have a number of peer's there that she doesn't normally have contact with, so when we'd talk to them, she was her "normal" self, where as when we were talking with the people she works directly with every day she was putting on the different personality. And I'm not sure why. It was like it was an act where when we were alone or talking to my peers she was normal. I do think she's created this image with the people she works with and has to keep that image with them, but when we're alone or with my peers she can be herself. It's got to be tiring to remember which show you're supposed to be putting on at any one time.

You're right, she's talking about the future more and more. Latest thing is us getting another dog. Our dog is a Lab and 10 years old and starting to show his age. Over Christmas she and S16 started talking about getting a puppy and all that goes with it. The last couple years, since about the time the A started she's been really angry about our dog. Hates the shedding, hates letting him out, hates feeding him, etc. But just lately she's getting back to how she was with the dog prior to us moving and her A. Don't know if there's any connection with her attitude about the dog and her WAW/MLC situation and the anger that goes with it, but she's definitely changed her tune as far as the dog goes and now she wants to get another puppy.

One thing that does concern me is that she won't read any books or come to places like DB to try and understand what she's going through and possibly how to get through this. I've offered to her many times the books I've read and these type sites and Retro but she just simply refuses. I wonder some times if she refuses these types of things because that would mean she might, just might, have to take a hard look at herself and her part in all this instead of just hanging on to the idea that it's ALL MY FAULT. That's easier for her to live with. I posted a quote a while back from a Dr that said many times people create this fantasy (it's the ole martial rewrite) and refuse to let go of it because to face THEIR responsibility in the mess would require them to face the fact that they did something so hurtful. So all I can do is keep giving her the time and space to figure it out as long as I can, and if she won't/doesn't work through this before I lose the energy to fight any longer, I'll become the WAS. And I wonder if me becoming the WAS is what it will take for her to figure it out. But then it might be too late for me huh?

No, I'm not sorry I told the kids. Not in the least. I wish I'd have told them sooner. S16 really suffered for longer than he needed to because HE KNEW what was going on but felt like he couldn't say anything to me because what if he was wrong? And he KNEW what was going on when W would take off for the weekends to go spend them with OM. His grades really suffered. And he became such an angry young man which is so unlike him. Our first year here he had a 3.6 gpa. After W started running around and then taking off for the weekends his gpa dropped to a 2.3. After I told him what was going on and the A ended and W seems to be defogging, his gpa is back up to a 3.4. He's commented to me a number of times about his "angry" period which surprise, surprise, coincided with her A. I mean, W invited him to go to a college football game with her and OM one time. And W sat on a bench at Disney World talking to OM for a half hour with him sitting right there and when S16 asked who she was talking to she replied "a friend from work". S16 said to her "yeah, right" and W was so deep in the fog that she then called OM again the next day with S16 standing right there. S20 was kind of insulated from it all since he was away at school. He and S16 talked many times about the trouble at home, but S16 never told S20 what he suspected. It just breaks my heart to know what he went through, all the crap he kept bottled up inside. And W would do everything she could to undermine my relationship with S16. If I was having a bad day/week because W had just got back from a weekend with OM or was planning a weekend with him, she would say to S16 things about me and how depressed I was and stuff like that. Purposely trying to undermine my relationship with him. So, no, I'm not sorry in the least I told them. And I firmly believe that without my telling them what was going on, she would still be talking divorce and trying to arrange meets with OM. I've written this before, but S16 shredded W when I told him what was going on. And I think that was the thing that finally burst her little fantasy bubble. Will our marriage make it? Don't know, and if it doesn't and we divorce and she moves on to a new relationship, I can live with that, but there was just no way I was going to allow this POS OM in my kids lives without them knowing the truth about him, that he's an alcoholic, abusive, serial cheating POS.

Funny thing I've come to realize lately. When we relocated, W's boss was a single lady. This lady always would eat lunch with OM and another guy. W got in on that action and 5 months later was in bed with OM. But what I've realized is that W's A with OM started within a week or so of her boss relocating to Texas for work. And I've thought about some comments W made back then about her boss and OM and such and I am coming to the idea that there's a pretty good possibility that her boss was sleeping with OM too. And OMW is pretty sure that within a month or so of OM moving from our location to his new work location 250 miles away, that he had another GF. And back last fall I saw some TM's between W and OM that with info I have from OMW makes a pretty strong case that it's true. So it just kind of makes sense that with W's boss relocating and W's A with him beginning shortly after that OM is one of those wonderful people that always has to have a woman in his clutches and once W's boss moved, he set his claws into W.

I only out right told 3 other people (my brother, D, our good friend who had an A of her own years ago that W helped D work through and a friend of mine in our hometown who's H had multiple A's on her and is getting divorced) . Are there others who figured it out on their own? Yes. It's not hard to figure out when you tell someone that you're having martial difficulties. Like my Admin says "there's really only one thing that puts a man in such a funk when you're talking martial problems". And she's right. And my Admin was telling me W was screwing around months before I was ready to believe it.

Yes, she's been very ill at ease around people that know. But I really think that a lot of the progress we've made lately is because she's seeing that those people are not treating her any differently. Our very good friends that we went to Disney with in Oct (who W told the W of the couple of her A), my brother and SIL who have treated W in a stellar fashion the couple times we've been around them since W started re-engaging with family/friends, etc seems to have let her see that we can have a future where she won't be an outcast because of her A. And it's funny that as she's becoming more involved with our families and TRUE friends, the EGF has slid more and more to the sidelines.

Christmas was really good. I bought W a number of presents that she really liked, but I felt bad because S16 asked W what she got for me and W replied "when we bought our bed a couple months ago that was supposed to be our Christmas present to each other". And she's right. That was the agreement we made when we bought the bed, and I TOTALLY forgot about that agreement. I pulled W aside and told her I was sorry, that I'd honestly forgot about that and I wasn't trying to make her look bad. And she accepted that and didn't seem to hold it against me. I didn't go hog wild on gifts for her. Got her a couple of tickets for a concert in January to which she said she almost bought me, but then remembered our agreement and decided she would get them for my birthday in Jan. I got her a couple of small things, one of which she'd made a comment a couple months ago about and she really laughed that I even remembered that little off hand comment she'd made when she opened it. I did by a Baker's rack for out kitchen for her. We'd looked at it a number of times at this little shop near us the last 6 months and she smiled and thanked me a number of times for that gift.

We just had a really good Christmas. Yesterday morning when I came downstairs I went down to feed the dog and normally W heads upstairs to continue sleeping for a while before I get back upstairs from feeding the dog, but when I came up she was standing at the top of the stairs just looking at me. It was like she really wanted to say something, but couldn't bring herself to.

So yesterday we went out and did a little shopping and driving through Amish country and were just having a good day. Towards the end of our tour we drove past a Harley shop and there were a number of motorcycles out since it's crazy warm here for Dec and W kind of changed. I'd bet my retirement that she triggered for OM because he is a motorcycle rider. I'm fairly sure she went on rides with him during her A. So I'm pretty sure that it hit her when we saw all the motorcycles out yesterday. We got home and she was more quiet. She was still fine with me, but definitely more down. But it really didn't bother me too much because where in the past she'd be down for days after something like that, by the time she'd got back from dropping S16 off at the movies, she seemed to have gotten past the trigger, although not completely.

Ok, I've rambled long enough. I guess when you only post every few days the posts get longer.

Thanks for checking in on me.