thank you snodderly, faith and determination maybe.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
They go hand in hand, i.e., faith and determination.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H just may have given me a gift tonight. He just may have given me the strength to do what I need to do to FINALLY take care of ME.
I have read and read and read about MLC. No where have I seen it written that the MLC's will go thru the Replay stage. Then all will calm. They will seem to begin to return to the men/woman they once were. They will stop all/most of the crazy behaviour. You may even believe they are starting to come out of the tunnel and then WAM!!! They are right back to the beginning.
20 months ago my H went waaaay off the deep end. He absolutely went crazy. Raging lunitic no exageration. This lasted for about a year. Then he slowly stopped all the craziness. Still very much in MLC but each day seemed more himself. There were no more angry outbursts. No more raging phone calls. No more cruelity. No more drinking binges. No more dissappearance acts. The last few months he has been a confused 17 year old boy that was to selfish and scared to come home. Or do anything for that matter. 2 Weeks ago he got really drunk and went to OW's. Since that time he has avoided me like the pleg and very angry (just like in the beginning). I've taken the backwards steps very hard. Didn't deal with them well. Finally I've "got" to leaving him alone. Then tonight... Roads are bad ice/freezing rain. H came out this afternoon to hay cows. I talked to him just a few minutes but didn't stop what I was doing. He seemed to be in a really good mood. He took D17 to town so that she could go to a b-day party then staying at her cousins. So tonight he calls. (shouldn't have answered AGAIN) I imediately heard the anger in his voice. He said "yea just so you know, D17 is bowling and staying at G's, so just so you know what's going on" I'm like "what, yea she called me I know what she's doing". It just esculated from there. He immediately got p*ssed at me and started yelling and screaming, I tried my dambdest to validate, smooth things over, not to argue. Yea right! It just went from bad to worse. He was drunk, p*ssed as hell, and wasn't hearing any of it. I was a b*tch (never ever calls me that)he doesn't give a sh*t about me or what I think, blah blah blah.
I ended up sending him a TM that said "you know what it really doesn't matter anymore. It's my fault that your life didn't turn out the way you planned, it's my fault that your life sucks, that your R with D17 sucks, that you left us and are having an affair. Is that what you needed to hear? Now leave me alone.
and tonight I'm thinking...what the hell am I doing? I have more faith in that man in my little finger than he'll ever find in himself. He doesn't deserve that or the love I have for him. He's a mess yes. He needs help. But he CHOOSES to let all his pain and the bad that's happened to him control his life. I am choosing not to let it control mine any longer. He is a GOOD man and yet he chooses to be bad. He is a strong man and yet he chooses to be weak. He is honest and yet he chooses to lie. He is a good father and yet he chooses to be the worst. He is faithful and yet he chooses to have an affair. My choice is to stop letting him drag me down with him.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH, I'm glad to see that you are moving out on working on you and what you want to do w/your life.
May I offer you a suggestion. I'd like to use the example of your h calling you to tell you about your daughter. When he called, a better response would have been "h, thank you for calling me and advising me of what our daughter is doing. I really appreciate it." That would have knocked his socks off because you would have been doing something totally different.
TOH, you need to think about what your response will be and then respond. Try doing something different when responding to him. I think if you do this, he'll be more pleasant and less angry w/you.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree that I should have responded differently. As I said I imediately saw an old pattern (he called D first, then me, like he was checking to see if the coast was clear) and heard the "fight" in his voice, so like you said I did what I normally do, I went in defense right away.
Honestly Snodderly what went on with H and I last night had nothing to do with D I don't think. Old patterns tell me he was setting me up to justify spending time with OW. Or they had an argument. Or H felt guilty because it's been a long time since D agreed to spend time with him. He went and got drunk instead.
All guesses of course. It really doesn't matter in the end. I just know that once again I am the blunt of all that ails him. No more.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
You have the power to change the communication channels that you have w/your h. By doing as I suggested, he will come up short and think about it. You will knock him off balance. Also, when you hear the anger in his voice or the baiting, just say "h, I really do have to go. Again, thank you for calling and have a pleasant night." Then hang up. It gives him absolutely no justification for arguing w/you. You will have then deflated that bag of hot air he's blowing.
The reasons for the anger, who knows, but you can change all of that by changing the way you speak to him. It does work. Try it and see.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I guess I get caught up in the game. I am so tired of his lies and games and madness. I think that I try to call him out sometimes. I WANT him to know that I know. Like it would make a difference or something. Like if he knows I know he'll stop or it will change it. Still trying to control the situation. Waaay past time to stop
Last edited by theotherhalf; 12/28/0801:13 PM.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH, It took me a very long time to learn how to talk to my xh during his crisis. But, eventually, I got the hang of it and believe or not, if you change your tone, etc., you'll learn more about what he's thinking than ever before.
Nothing is going to make him change his mind right now. That train in on a one way track and he's still got a whole lot of anger that he needs to get rid of. Instead of having him take it out on you, turn the tables, be nice, calm and lots of thank yous, etc. Let him take his frustrations out on the ow for a change.
Start making your list of things to do in 2009. This will help you set up your goals so that you can begin to aim for them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
