Standing on the Edge

[native]

The WAS continues to waffle....very intense holiday season.

She tends have unspoken expectations, then when she is dissapointed in the results, goes on the attack.

Christmas morning she said she would be here at the house to fill D's stockng at 6:30. It was 7 and I woke up, realized she had not arrived yet, so I called her 3x....finally woke her up.

She had clearly overslept so I asked if she was coming, since D might wake up to find empty stocking and few presents..

She finally arrived and called from outside the house wanting help....I said I was not dressed and intended to stay in bed as long as possible. (I'm not lazy....I had spent the last few days cooking Christmas Eve dinner for my family - she did not attend- and was up till 2 am cleaning the house for the Christmas morning gathering...)

Anyway, I had never indicated to her, nor her to me, that I was going to be up and downstairs b4 the kid woke up.

So then she calls and in a very bitchy tone asks where are the coffee filters. I came down at that time and we had a bit of a confrontation. She's mad of course....

Really, I think she is upset because she expected my help....generally in our marriage, I had done most or all of the 'heavy lifting'. Perhaps too, she was expecting me to be there to share some sort of 'closeness' on this special morning.

Besides being tired however, I feel she shouldn't continue to expect me to be available whenever she wants me, on her time table.

Anyway, D walks in while we are argueing.....I am letting W know why her unspoken expectations and presumptions are what is bothering her, not me...we transition into Christmas morning mode.

Later, during the morning's celebrations, I see W shoot me a couple of very warm smiles, like she used to. She opens her gift from me, a beautiful black onyx necklace, and she loves it, puts it on, and comes over to give me a hug.

Fast forward to this morning. I had decided not to go to her family's Christmas celebration but she specifically invited me twice. So I said I would come.

Again, she got bent out of shape because of unspoken expectations.

We had planned to drive to Raleigh seperately, her with her mom (bc her mom doesn't like to drive in bad weather) and me with my D. Then, last minute, she changes the plans slightly and wants to pick us up on the way to her mom's house. This puts D and I in a rush. W arrives, slightly later than she promises, is in a fluster about being late, starts to complain about what I haven't done, yada yada....

This continues in the 10 min. car trip to her moms.

But unlike ususal, I am addressing her faulty expectations. And I am expressing clearly what I will and will not accept from her in regards to her accusations, being a scapegoat for her unhappiness, lecturing, etc. We reach a bit of a stalemate. By the time we reach her M's, I have decided not to go...

I step inside to cool off a bit and try to figure how to wrap this up.

I step outside and tell her that essentially, we both have faults, but that the things that I like about her outweigh the things I don't....

This leaves her a little speachless....

She invites me again.

I decide to go, drive seperately and I had a great time with all her family, getting several private sympathy sessions from friends and family there.

W and I don't spend a lot of time together during the celebration, but we do drive home together and the tone was completely different. She is asking me about my work and is treating me respectfully.

So, what I am seeing is that when I hold my ground, don't back down, call her shots, the monster in her kind of goes away..

When it is clear I am willing to cut ties and go my own way, it changes her attitude.....

What this will mean for tomorrow, I don't know....