Hi all, it is very late (again) and I shouldn't even start this and probably won't make a bit of sense, but you know me.....
"Being a friend" is the hard part for people in DB to understand. It really is determined (I think) by which way you have approached the stitch. If you are trying to draw the spouse back home to your loving arms, then being a friend and outshining the OP often works, but it does usually take a long time so that requires a lot of patient. Also, if there is a PA going on.....that is something a lot of people cannot tollerate and won't show any signs of condoning that type of R while M. That is why the "friendship" thing gets confusing.
In some cases, spouses must use the "tough love" route, such as Puppy did in his stitch. Hope he doesn't mind me using him for an example.
There are many ways, I believe, that you can DB, but you have to figure out what is best in your stitch. Some women say they cannot ML to their H's who they know are having sex with OW. Other W's say they can do it if it will help them draw their H's back home after the excitment of the A wears off. Everyone is different in what they can or cannot do.
In Jon's stitch......and if I were Jon and was about to D my W on grounds of A, I think being "best friends" at this particular time would not seem appropriate somehow. That is just my way of thinking. If a couple can go through a D and be civil to each other and try to put their best foot forward for the sake of the children.....that is about the most a lot can accomplish. By being a "friend" in his stitch, I see it as treating someone you met in an impersonal way and was "decent" or "nice" to them. When you are getting a D on grounds of A, being best friends?.....I don't see it. But, if there is a way a couple can have what I would call an "impersonal friendship", (you know, kind of like some people we have to work with?) then I think for the time being.....that is doing good. Later, after things settle down and emotions are not as raw, maybe that impersonal friendship might get better, but I don't think I have ever seen a D couple in real life become best friends. That is just my take on it. It only happens on TV sitcoms.
Now....if you are fighting to draw her back to you and not D her.....then, yes, you can play the "best friend" card if you can tollerate it. It is just that not every man or woman is able to put up with the crap that they have to see and hear....especially where their kids are concerned.
Jon, my heart goes out to you over your little girl. I only have to think of my GD in that picture and I can't stand it. I can see her doing the same thing. It is hard to imagine a mother's heart being so hard toward her child's brokeness. All of this mess.....MLC, WAS, D .....the whole stuff is horrible.
My prayers go up for all of you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
