Frank is beginning his recovery

[frank_D]

And I'm not 'blaming' the WAW's, I'm saying we, and we alone are responsible for how we will live. That will make all the difference. They don't 'come back'. Not really. If they do it doesn't work out.

It only works out if we change, they change, and our changes are compatible. From what I've seen, the more damaged we both are, the longer it will take to change and the less likely the relationship will be restored.

So, let's be the positive and strong men we once were. Eventually we'll love and be loved again because we are very much worth loving. And we're learning what real love is.

[craig54]

Frank,

I understand where you are coming from, but I don't necessarily agree with every thing you said.Alot of us are wounded, and with the Lord's guidance and healing can get up and start again. I believe it takes more guts and balls to be here trying to save ur marriages and our familys. Yes it does not always work out, but I intend to trust in God for the results. I have been healing, and know I will need more.

You paind comes through your writing, and I understand that. But alot of us have hope. I am certainly not giving up. To much is at stake.

[frank_D]

You pain comes through your writing, and I understand that. But a lot of us have hope. I am certainly not giving up. To much is at stake.

You shouldn't give up. All our cases are different. In my case too much damage has been done, my W and I may never get beyond that lack of trust for each other. I accept that.

[sleeper]

Ultimately GOD is in control of everything anyway.

For me that gives new insight to Shakeaspeare's words;

"All the world's a stage. And all the men and women merely players."

There's only one thing we can do......

Break a leg.

[frank_D]

Went to the movies and the bookstore with D13 tonight. It was great to just listen to her talk about her interests. Saw the movie 'Bedtime Stories' which was pretty funny. One sad thing was that the two kids in the movie had divorced parents and their dad was an absent father and they would ask if he was ever coming back.

It's too bad that even in movies this happens but it it kind of reminds us that we live in a dysfunctional world.

Later tonight as I was having some quiet time I remembered how, during the affair and almost divorce 3 years ago, I was completely able to be strong and Alpha Male for my daughters, and even for their mother. It was hard, but at the time I KNEW it was what I had to do.

This time, I've been NOT wanting to have that laid on me again. But, it is. I contributed 50% to creating this situation and I'm really the parent who has always been able to keep everyone feeling safe and calm when everything falls apart and their mother loses it.

It's crazy, in the end I'm the one who spent years in a withdrawn place yet when W completely loses it I pull myself out of the tunnel to keep it together. Now I need to pull myself out for good, so that my daughters no longer have to fear anything more will happen.

It's also kind of sad that I've been in and out of my own tunnel, mostly coming out to be the rescuer of my family when my wife became the one living in fears of her own making.

I didn't want to do this again, I said so in the beginning, last January. And I've avoided it hoping it would just go away. That she would just go away.

Well, it isn't going to just go away. And I need to be more responsible. I have faith that my life will take a turn for the better as long as I start letting it.

[sleeper]

Maybe that's why we were intended to have two parents, Frank.

If anything happens to one parent whether instigated internally or externally, there is another parent to fill the gap. I was dysfunctional with PTSD for about 3-4 years. X carried the load. When her mlc hit it shocked me out of PTSD enabling me to be there for the kids as you have for yours. I went from being a failure as a parent in X's eyes to being a "phenomenal father" (her words) in just a few months.

Who knows if our W's will ever come back?

Circumstances do not make the man. A man makes the best of the circumstances.

You seem to be doing very well, Frank.

[frank_D]

I guess only God knows if our W's ever return and choose to make a healthy marriage. I agree with you, a man makes the best of the circumstances.

2009 is going to be very different.

[frank_D]

Church today was very interesting. The topic was 'how will you spend 2009?'. The real question being 'Will it be doing what God wants for you to be doing, or what you want?'

I have a lot of sins to atone for, and a lot of damaged relationships to heal. So does my W but she doesn't see it.

At church I ran into the one friend of W who is a Christian and does not agree with W's choices. Her friend, 'D', asked me how things were going and I said it was the same as last time I talked to her in September except that the holidays put a lot of stress on everyone. Told her the story of the 'house decorating fights' and she agreed that W needs to see the reality of her choices.

'D' said that she didn't like W being out on her own at all. I asked her why and she said "She has no idea how hard it is to be without the support of your husband". I said "but she has her OM and no other financial responsibilities" and she said "Maybe, but OM is not her husband".

She said she prays for us and not to lose hope. You just don't know what's supposed to happen.

Anyway, I do know that I'm supposed to be 'Frank' and do the work I was put on this earth to do. And that means giving W to God and asking Him for help with my family.

[still hopeful]

Hi Frank,

This is Tom, otherwise known to you previously hopeful_husband. I am very sorry to hear about the trouble you and yours are experiencing. Thank you for chiming in on my thread. Since then, I have read your current thread and I wanted to thank you for all of the support, direction, and encouragement that you provided to me in the past.

Anyway, I do know that I'm supposed to be 'Frank' and do the work I was put on this earth to do. And that means giving W to God and asking Him for help with my family.

THAT's what I do. I have regulary conversations with God. I am working to better quiet myself to listen to His responses.

I am still doing what I am able to do in my sitch, in the way I think is best because I will always remember what you told me way back when, which was that I know my XW and I know my own sitch better than anyone else here does plus...it's MY life.

Thank you for pointing me in the right direction to better myself. Thank you for encouraging me to STOP blaming myself for all of the ills of my M. Thank you for urging me to stop being a wimp and start being a MAN.

I am with you, my friend. Thank you for being you.
Tom

[frank_D]

Thanks Tom. I'm glad I was able to help others even while I was not helping myself very well. You sound very together and grounded. Hopefully I'll be in that place soon.