Time for ME to change...scared as hell...

[theotherhalf]

DETERMINATION IT WILL BE!!!

H just may have given me a gift tonight. He just may have given me the strength to do what I need to do to FINALLY take care of ME.

I have read and read and read about MLC. No where have I seen it written that the MLC's will go thru the Replay stage. Then all will calm. They will seem to begin to return to the men/woman they once were. They will stop all/most of the crazy behaviour. You may even believe they are starting to come out of the tunnel and then WAM!!! They are right back to the beginning.

20 months ago my H went waaaay off the deep end. He absolutely went crazy. Raging lunitic no exageration. This lasted for about a year. Then he slowly stopped all the craziness. Still very much in MLC but each day seemed more himself. There were no more angry outbursts. No more raging phone calls. No more cruelity. No more drinking binges. No more dissappearance acts. The last few months he has been a confused 17 year old boy that was to selfish and scared to come home. Or do anything for that matter. 2 Weeks ago he got really drunk and went to OW's. Since that time he has avoided me like the pleg and very angry (just like in the beginning). I've taken the backwards steps very hard. Didn't deal with them well. Finally I've "got" to leaving him alone. Then tonight...
Roads are bad ice/freezing rain. H came out this afternoon to hay cows. I talked to him just a few minutes but didn't stop what I was doing. He seemed to be in a really good mood. He took D17 to town so that she could go to a b-day party then staying at her cousins. So tonight he calls. (shouldn't have answered AGAIN) I imediately heard the anger in his voice. He said "yea just so you know, D17 is bowling and staying at G's, so just so you know what's going on" I'm like "what, yea she called me I know what she's doing". It just esculated from there. He immediately got p*ssed at me and started yelling and screaming, I tried my dambdest to validate, smooth things over, not to argue. Yea right! It just went from bad to worse. He was drunk, p*ssed as hell, and wasn't hearing any of it. I was a b*tch (never ever calls me that)he doesn't give a sh*t about me or what I think, blah blah blah.

I ended up sending him a TM that said "you know what it really doesn't matter anymore. It's my fault that your life didn't turn out the way you planned, it's my fault that your life sucks, that your R with D17 sucks, that you left us and are having an affair. Is that what you needed to hear? Now leave me alone.

and tonight I'm thinking...what the hell am I doing? I have more faith in that man in my little finger than he'll ever find in himself. He doesn't deserve that or the love I have for him. He's a mess yes. He needs help. But he CHOOSES to let all his pain and the bad that's happened to him control his life. I am choosing not to let it control mine any longer. He is a GOOD man and yet he chooses to be bad. He is a strong man and yet he chooses to be weak. He is honest and yet he chooses to lie. He is a good father and yet he chooses to be the worst. He is faithful and yet he chooses to have an affair. My choice is to stop letting him drag me down with him.