The weird thing that makes this a bit convoluted is that W and I have been separated for 6 months, "separated" for 2+ years.
I know exactly how to handle her, what to do, and so on. She hates the dating scene, etc, has never had any interest in anyone, and so on. If that was the current state, I would know what to do, and feel very confident!
A month or so ago, she out of the blue said she wanted to "date" - and told D8 and S6. She is very honest - she told me before she started dating, and I told her it was wrong, that we should get divorced/dissolution first, etc. She of course, continued. In my mind, it is still an affair, even though it's allegedly not PA - foolish to fret over it at this point, anyway.
Regardless, this has thrown me a bit off track - my standard approach is that marriage is a life-long commitment - I tell her that we can't be friends if she breaks up our family.
So, in my position, doing a 180 WOULD be being friendly. I hope this helps explain why I'm a little confused right now.
I'm absolutely going to continue with detachment - but do you just go into freeze mode until OM falls out of picture?
I did do one very small 180. I have like 4 total spoons, so I emailed W asking if maybe kids had brought some of "my" spoons over there on accident, or bringing home from lunches. Key here is I called them MY spoons - we have had a little argument sometimes about me calling it "our" bathroom, and she would get weird about that.
Here is what my short-term goal is - take small but clear steps about ending, like saying "my" and getting her to sign her name off our joint checking account, and stand up to her on the A, and not take any explanation or crap about it.
Here is the question: do I take these steps, and be "nice" with it? Does that show "approval" of what she's doing? Or will it make her re-think? Should it matter, should I just do it anyway?
Maybe I just need a few days to sort this out - I'm the type of person that needs a plan, and I feel all loosey-goosey.
