It's Complicated! Part 2

[MidwesternGirl]

I am not that type of person either and I tend to be very prompt and phone to confirm, etc.

I have learned that in MLC, these men are like rebellious teenagers and will rebel, and that means not calling, not showing up, forgetting from one minute to the next..........

It is hard to understand because we are rational. These men have so many things swirling around in their heads. My h still has trouble remembering things from one minute to the next. I have learned to let it go and when he asks the same question a few minutes later, I try to be as polite as possible and tell him again.

[glamgirl]

He expects so much from me, but yet does NOT expect the same for himself. For example, if he says goodbye, he expects a reply back. If he doesn't get that, he keeps saying it until I answer or says something like you could at least answer back.

This is the part I really struggle with. It would not be acceptable to him if I did not show when I said I would, but it seems to be ok that he not show.

I have brought this up in C and all I get is point taken and I will improve, but it just falls back to this.

I know don't let it bother me, but I just wonder is this as good as it gets?

[25yearsmlc]

GG,

Let's agree for a minute that it's rude of your h to make a commtiment to the kids and break it, again...what's new? I mean, he's done a lot of things that were rude or wrong. The question is, what do YOU do in response? Complaining does not seem to help nor does texting. Why even call or ask, when he's already so late or it's clear he's missed it? To remind him that you have the right to be angry? I mean, why not go on with your own plans (or Plan B) so you don't spend the rest of your life waiting and wondering, AND your kids don't get to be disappointed again?

As for New Years...umm, whatever you think your h thinks about it, seems to me there is a pattern of dashed expectations and I'm wondering why you'd set yourself up for that again. Why not go to a family party or gathering and if h shows up, fine. If not, fine. GAL. You are Still revolving around your h for your New Year's Eve, even after this past Christmas...why?

Moving on with your life does not mean you are giving up on your m, it means the pressure is OFF your h, AND your life gets to happen...


I agree with Snodderly that suggesting IC for your h will go over like a lead balloon. But unlike Snodderly (sorry, and God knows I could be wrong on this) I would not validate the re-reading of the emails (but also I would not tell him to delete them...it's obvious to US that he needs to do this, but only HE can solve the puzzle for himself). It's only when your h brings up something you said or did a long time ago and then blurts out that he "just can't get past it", and seems baffled, that I might say "H, is re-hashing/re-reading 'X' helping you to hold on, or to get past it?"

You'll still have to let him realize it, but sometimes getting asked whether a particular behavior is working, has gotten me to think about it. My sil and my DB coach both asked me, at diff times, "How's that approach working for you?" When I said "It's NOT!" a long silence followed and I had my 'aha' moments. But if H had simply told me I was "wrong to feel that way" (which he has done numerous times) I'd have screwed my head in the ceiling.

Here's the thing. You can't push, pursue, OR spend your life waiting around. How many years have you been in this limbo? There are definitely opportunities for validation and for what my DB coach called "Listening like a lover" and applauding loudly for the 1% of what they do or say that is positive. On the other hand, you need your own self respect and boundaries. Sometimes the marital revisions get to be too much, or too crazy or too damaging...

Knowing where that line is, is a challenge we ALL have. I just feel that for your h to bring up emails you sent 3 years ago, presumably in response to something HE triggered, is too unreasonable to validate. That's just my viewpoint. Others have other opinions. Seems we ALL are saying it's not your job to recommend IC for your h and even if it were, (like if you worried for his safety) would it lead him to doing it? Plus, hate to say this, but SOME counselors and therapists are just fine with leaving M's and walking out the door "if you are not HAPPY..." and they throw the towel in pretty fast.

Hope this helps more than confuses...OH ---as to your exh, I'm just feeling really a good peaceful miraculous feeling about him and reaching out to your son. IF your son does not want contact, you might warn him that we don't live forever. Don't get me wrong, it IS THEIR R...but since my family has had so many deaths this year, and My father died after one of my brothers hadn't spoken to him for 5 years, I"m just really sensitive to it these days. I am convinced that my brother has had more problems in his life due to that lack of forgiveness (& waiting for my dad to "prove more" stuff, etc....). Life IS short. Tomorrow is promised to no one. and God knows I've learned that this year more than ever. That's also another reason I think YOU should take charge of the coming year and YOUR LIFE....YOU choose who you are with or not. (Not whomever you might kiss at midnight...Geez, better be careful if I'm at your house on New Year's Eve, if I have a drink or two, I could be in the wrong spot at the wrong moment...and kiss the dog?)

Stop letting him or anyone else write the chapters in the book of your life. You are the author, so start writing your life's book the way YOU want it to go. How's the next chapter looking? Is it called "GAL, 2009"? Hmm, I like that one. But hey, it's YOUR LIFE'S BOOK and YOUR LIFE...you decide.

we're with you!
j-

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Glam.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that 25yearsmlc is usually spot on with her advice!

You and me both need to GAL like crazy in 2009!! Maybe we should have an LBS MLC convention in some big city and all of us get together and whoop it up!! Ya' know, good girls gone bad kinda thing!!

Oh, but there are male LBS's too.....sorry boys, I almost forgot ya.....that could make it really fun!

Hope I at least made ya' smile, Glam! ((((((hugs))))))

[job]

Glam,
Please do not call or tm your h again asking about his timeline when it comes to seeing your or your children. Their memories are mush and they are like teenagers....who forget time or dates of appointments.

Yes, your h expects a lot from you. Why? Because you are the adult in this scenario and also rational. He knows, deep down, that you will take care of everything in respect to the home, children, etc. Unfortunately when they are in crisis, you cannot expect one thing from them on any given day. This is where you have to drop the rope....expectations. Your h isn't the h you knew who was responsible pre-crisis. Right now, depression has him and w/depression comes, loss of time, memory and all of the other responsibile things he once did.

So, Glam, please do not contact him again. Make a Plan B and if your h shows up, shelve Plan B. If he doesn, Plan B is pulled out and you go on w/your life. Life doesn't sit still for them and it shouldn't for you either.

2009 should be the year of Glam!

[glamgirl]

Very good post 25 yrs. Now I just need to apply it. It's just that I haven't seen this rude behavior from h since around Spring. He has really made strides in this area and shows when he says he is or at least text or something to let me know he is not coming.

It just threw me off guard. It must have something to do with the holidays.

Thanks for the reminder Snodderly. I wasn't thinking depression here. He is on AD's so was thinking that they have helped my h, but I am sure triggers have happened for h with the holidays and seeing my sis. H wants to get off the AD's, not so sure that is a good idea right now.

SC I like the good girls gone bad. That might just be up my ally now.

[glamgirl]

H is suppose to be over around 10am today, well that didn't happen so far. It's ok I have lots to do today if he doesn't make it over.

If he is not here by the afternoon though, I will need to call him. I work today and he will need to watch the kids. A babysitter is not possible with my late am shift today.

Trying to GAL without my h.

[Upside]

Hi glam-
I'm just catching up with what is going on with you. I hope you were able enjoy your visit with your sister when she finally made it there. Sorry your H didn't make it over Christmas but at least he stopped by Christmas Eve and took your sister back to the airport.

By digging up 3 year old painful emails, your H looking for excuses to keep you at a distance and justify his behavior. My H does similar things to keep from getting too close. I went back and re-read some of my old posts here and it is so obvious how my H makes excuses to avoided spending time (especially holidays) with me even though we are supposably trying to work on our M. Your H does the same. I get so tired of the excuses. GAL and not dwelling on what they do and don't do does really help...although I must admit it is difficult because they tell us and in someways show us that they are working on the M. Don't get me wrong...I do believe they trying to work on the M but when they get too close, they just find ways to distance themselves again.

I hope 2009 brings you much peace and happiness.

[plentyhope]

GG, I wonder if your H actually stopped taking the AD's, if he's been wanting to go off them. You mentioned it's strange that he seems to have gone bakwards after making great strides. I read that during the Acceptance stage of MLC, they can go backward because they are closing the doors to the different issues one by one.

The article also said that they have to do this all by themselves. If we interfere, we would end up delaying their progress through this final MLC stage.

[glamgirl]

Thanks PH and Upside. I don't know what he is going through again. He seems to have gone backwards for sure. Today he said he would be here at 10am and so far a NO Call NO Show.

I am trying to get a hold of him, since my work called and asked me to come in earlier. He is our childcare provider for the day. I just don't get it.

Run away, run away, run far away. That is what he seems to be doing. It just makes me so upset when he can't answer his phone or return a text or v-mail when I count on him to help with the kids.

I know others will say, well don't rely on him for childcare. Well it's not that easy. On sundays when I work late who is going to watch the kids on short notice. During the week it's easier.

If it's during the week another story.