out of clever titles

[hoosiermama]

A review of my situation:

In mid-May of this year, I found out I'd be leaving my job as a pastoral minister in my parish; three days later my husband declared our marriage was over out of the blue. No real explanation, just IDLYA and we're incompatible and should never have gotten married 14 years ago. A few days later, on my birthday I discovered emails which revealed my hospital chaplain husband had begun an affair with a nurse on one of his nursing units--a woman for whom he'd left the seminary 22 years earlier. Oh, and she's a practitioner of Wicca. H has never looked back, filed for divorce (we're still in the process), just recently began providing financial support for our wonderful 12-year-old daughter. He apparently still plans to pursue Episcopal priesthood and continues to deny an affair, although he moved across town to be closer to her. They've now been together longer than they were initially, 20+ years ago. H has D two to three nights a week, never on weekends by his choice; I am nothing but an inconvenience to him, altho it is convenient for him to see his daughter when he wants and return her when he's done.

I have a new job as a school nurse. I've recently gone back to my church, where my daughter goes to school and is involved in several things. My husband's family has essentially cut me off, some more actively than others; seems he gets to keep our couple-friends 'cuz they're not talking to me either. I've heard from my 2 best friends once since May, and other friends have dwindled--I think my situation is a little overwhelming. But I have no family except for D12 and I have a lot of grief over my many recent losses, and no real support system.

Seven months post-bomb I can't seem to get a life. All I can seem to do is go to work, come home, feed us and do laundry and other necessities. Yes, I'm depressed. Yes, I'm taking AD's, but can no longer afford counseling, at least for right now. I am intensely lonely, I feel abandoned and that makes me somewhat resentful because in my previous job I made sure that folks didn't have to walk thru tragedy alone. I have not lost my faith, but I sometimes wonder if I've lost my sanity and I find myself questioning if any of my pre-bomb life was real. I fear that I will end up an angry, bitter, lonely old woman.

More self-disclosure? No, I have no skeletons. But I have had to admit to myself that my marriage was not a good one for at least the last several years. H had little capacity for unselfish support. I made up for the lack of intimacy in my marriage by throwing myself into ministry. And I was really good at it. In fact, I was too good--I was threatening to another staff person who had to be seen as the hub around which the community rotated, and he and the woman on staff with whom he shared an emotional affair, sabotaged my projects and spread false rumors. So I got pushed out. And despite being present in many folks' lives at their most difficult times--no one really knew me. I substituted that intensity for what most people feel in non-pastoral relationships. So while I wouldn't have predicted both of these areas of my life would blow up at the same time, it really isn't surprising that I would end up where I am. Unfortunately, I didn't see either train approaching until I had been flattened.

And while I'm being brutally honest with anyone who happens by my thread, I'll just throw this in. Yeah, it was a lousy marriage. Too many challenges, probably too much dysfunction. But I don't know if I'll ever get to closure. I know in my head I'm probably better off without H, but in my heart--I wish I had had the opportunity for both of us to give it our best shot at the same time. I don't think that ever happened. I don't want to grow old alone--but statistically I know that that's pretty much guaranteed. I wanted desperately for D to grow up in an intact family--I didn't and I hated it. If H ever wakes up and exits the tunnel--because I do believe this is mlc, albeit in an already very selfish man--yes, I'd give it another try. And I kinda hate myself for saying that.

[naej]

Hi Hoosier, well quite a recap! looks like you have been brutally honest with yourself.
I am so sorry life is looking bleak for you right now but please believe me when I say it will get better.
It sounds like you truly are better off without your husband. He is not a very nice person right now and maybe never was? We excuse so much when they are our spouse.
I think you were married later in life so you have a double edged sword really in that you know how to be / live alone and yet you have now known marriage and have a daughter,plus you are no longer young and sometimes we feel "better the devil you know" than face old age alone" forgive me if I am projecting my thoughts on to you. I shall be 60 next year and now been alone for nearly 8 years so I know those thoughts.
However most woman end up alone at some point given we tend to live longer.
Maybe alone is better than ending up as nursemaid to a person who has treated you so badly.
Sorry I am rambling, it is late but I wanted to offer my ear and shoulder.
It is hard right now and unfair and life just sucks but it will get better and please don't write yourself off, none of us know what life will throw at us.
You are a good kind and compassionate soul and maybe one day you will find love again.Richer and deeper than you have ever known.
For now just roll with the punches and protect yourself on every level that you can.
I pray the new Year will bring you joy and contentment and closure, plus some financial stability,all the things I wish for myself infact!
BTW don't hate yourself for saying you would consider giving h another chance, many of us would and it is never wrong to try to hold our familys together,just don't let that thought stop you from protecting your interests and making a start on a new life.
I am thinking of you often.

[hoosiermama]

I really don't want to find love again--not romantic love, anyway. I've been through 2 divorces now, and I'm just not good at this. I'm fine without a man--I'm just not fine without anyone at all. I am not connected with anyone or anything besides D right now, and while that was difficult 20 years ago after my first marriage, I feel even more vulnerable now. I'm not "old," but I'm not young either. This is the third time in my life I have been compared to Job--and that's not a good place to be. I guess what really hurts is that people who know the truth are far more supportive of H than of D and I, and I don't understand that. Not that I want them to take sides, but why is adultery, especially by someone who portrays a good and holy person, not appalling? I feel invisible, and I typically don't cope well with this feeling; I'm even of very little interest here. I really thought I'd feel better by now--not good necessarily, but at least like I was doing more than existing. I know, pity parties are unattractive, but I'm hoping that by journalling here I can work thru some of this stuff and begin to heal.

[naej]

Hi, it is nearly 4 in the morning and I can't sleep! just had a strange dream and woke up. I know what you mean about not wanting to find romantic love -me too in a way. Just a special friend would be nice.
I feel your pain and have no words that will help. Time will ease what you are feeling now but still it won't be easy.
I guess you just keep getting up and going through the motions.
It is not easy to cope with the betrayal and especially when others who you would expect to love and support you don't.
Well best get back to bed got family arriving tomorrow.
I forgot you had been married before so I am sorry for remembering that.
You will get through this, people do care I think the bb is just quiet at the moment.

[smartcookie]

(((((((((Hmama)))))) if people are supportive of H while he's commiting adultery, they have their values screwed up.

If you have a pity party, I'd come to it & I'd bring kleenex.

I wish I could do more. I care about you. You're such a special & valuable person.

Keep journaling, I think it does help.

Hugs

[job]

H,
I'm very sorry to hear that people are supportive of your h. Apparently he's rewritten history so well that people are listening. I do want to point out that at some point during your journey, those same people will begin to see the light and will begin to reconnect w/you and provide you the support you will need. Right now, they are just floating along w/your h and trying to stay out of the middle of things. I do believe that many will do this, I know that the friends that we had did the exact same thing, but about two years down the road, they began to see the light and have rallied around me.

I also understand how you feel about romantic love. That is a love we searched for in our 20's-30's. Once we hit the mid 30-s our reality changes and then we begin to look for companionship versus romantic love. It would be nice just to have someone to talk to, do things with and who could share some common interests w/you.

I do hope that you have a pleasant Sunday. Please try not to allow those dismal feelings to come to the surface. I know you are feeling lonely and left out, but things will change w/time.

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, Snodderly. I don't think you've ever posted to me before--I appreciate it.

Companionship--yes. Someone to share things with. Romance is highly overrated and short-lived.

Not surprising that H has kept the friends. He's gregarious, charming, and somewhat manipulative. Everyone likes him. No matter what, apparently. On the other hand, I've essentially spent my life trying to be useful, independent, taking up as little space as possible, staying out of the way, leaning as little as possible, being as low-maintenance as I could be. Hoping people will care about me as much as I care about them simply because I can be helpful to them. And I've been really successful at that--I've been needed. And when the need is over, so is that relationship. I'd have been a good nun. H is just the opposite--a taker, not a giver. We've each gotten exactly what we've worked toward. I just didn't realize it would look like this. I am admired, remembered with gratitude--but not sought out to be good company. I hope you're right, but I can't see that changing with time. I have no "old friends." I have always been this way.

Speaking of nuns--I'm driving a group of friends to a Christmas open house at a convent today. Haven't heard from them in a month--until they needed a ride. It will be pretty, I'll be grateful for the company, D12 has been looking forward to it. I was supposed to be a lector in church this morning; last night I looked up the readings to practice. Literally--how husbands and wives should treat each other; wives, be submissive to your husbands, husbands love your wives. I cannot stand up there and say that--the floor will open up and swallow me up!

[NNP1965]

(((hm))), I wish I had something comforting to say. I hate that your H is receiving all the support, when he deserves none!

[hoosiermama]

(((((((((Hmama)))))) if people are supportive of H while he's commiting adultery, they have their values screwed up.

If you have a pity party, I'd come to it & I'd bring kleenex.

I wish I could do more. I care about you. You're such a special & valuable person.

Keep journaling, I think it does help.

Hugs

Thanks, cookie. I don't think they're so much supportive of his adultery as they are willing to overlook it. With me, it's just awkward. The same thing happened after I lost the second baby; folks rallied around for the first loss, with the second it was just too much. They called me Job, they felt bad for me, but didn't know what to do or say so they stayed away. It's easier to be with a charming person who's being a selfish jerk than to be with someone who's hurting.

[ThinkingItThru]

Hey hoosier,

Wish I could help more than to just offer my positive thoughts and wishes to you. Please know that you have them.

I'm working with my C to break out of the shell I've been in to get back to being the person I was 20 years ago who was up for anything. I'm exploring Buddhism and the underlying philosophy has really taught me a lot as for as how to deal with my life situation right now. FYI, there is a great center in Indianapolis called the Dromtonpa Center and they have weekly meditation clinics all over the city on different nights. I've attended a couple and they are very calming.

But perhaps, my point is to get involved in something that you wouldn't normally...its scary, but exciting at the same time.

Oh, and your hubby is a complete butthead. There is nothing worse than preaching a different life than you're leading IMO.