out of clever titles

[hoosiermama]

A review of my situation:

In mid-May of this year, I found out I'd be leaving my job as a pastoral minister in my parish; three days later my husband declared our marriage was over out of the blue. No real explanation, just IDLYA and we're incompatible and should never have gotten married 14 years ago. A few days later, on my birthday I discovered emails which revealed my hospital chaplain husband had begun an affair with a nurse on one of his nursing units--a woman for whom he'd left the seminary 22 years earlier. Oh, and she's a practitioner of Wicca. H has never looked back, filed for divorce (we're still in the process), just recently began providing financial support for our wonderful 12-year-old daughter. He apparently still plans to pursue Episcopal priesthood and continues to deny an affair, although he moved across town to be closer to her. They've now been together longer than they were initially, 20+ years ago. H has D two to three nights a week, never on weekends by his choice; I am nothing but an inconvenience to him, altho it is convenient for him to see his daughter when he wants and return her when he's done.

I have a new job as a school nurse. I've recently gone back to my church, where my daughter goes to school and is involved in several things. My husband's family has essentially cut me off, some more actively than others; seems he gets to keep our couple-friends 'cuz they're not talking to me either. I've heard from my 2 best friends once since May, and other friends have dwindled--I think my situation is a little overwhelming. But I have no family except for D12 and I have a lot of grief over my many recent losses, and no real support system.

Seven months post-bomb I can't seem to get a life. All I can seem to do is go to work, come home, feed us and do laundry and other necessities. Yes, I'm depressed. Yes, I'm taking AD's, but can no longer afford counseling, at least for right now. I am intensely lonely, I feel abandoned and that makes me somewhat resentful because in my previous job I made sure that folks didn't have to walk thru tragedy alone. I have not lost my faith, but I sometimes wonder if I've lost my sanity and I find myself questioning if any of my pre-bomb life was real. I fear that I will end up an angry, bitter, lonely old woman.

More self-disclosure? No, I have no skeletons. But I have had to admit to myself that my marriage was not a good one for at least the last several years. H had little capacity for unselfish support. I made up for the lack of intimacy in my marriage by throwing myself into ministry. And I was really good at it. In fact, I was too good--I was threatening to another staff person who had to be seen as the hub around which the community rotated, and he and the woman on staff with whom he shared an emotional affair, sabotaged my projects and spread false rumors. So I got pushed out. And despite being present in many folks' lives at their most difficult times--no one really knew me. I substituted that intensity for what most people feel in non-pastoral relationships. So while I wouldn't have predicted both of these areas of my life would blow up at the same time, it really isn't surprising that I would end up where I am. Unfortunately, I didn't see either train approaching until I had been flattened.

And while I'm being brutally honest with anyone who happens by my thread, I'll just throw this in. Yeah, it was a lousy marriage. Too many challenges, probably too much dysfunction. But I don't know if I'll ever get to closure. I know in my head I'm probably better off without H, but in my heart--I wish I had had the opportunity for both of us to give it our best shot at the same time. I don't think that ever happened. I don't want to grow old alone--but statistically I know that that's pretty much guaranteed. I wanted desperately for D to grow up in an intact family--I didn't and I hated it. If H ever wakes up and exits the tunnel--because I do believe this is mlc, albeit in an already very selfish man--yes, I'd give it another try. And I kinda hate myself for saying that.