It's Complicated! Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

GG,
I posted the fuller "story" on a forum about forgivenss or infidelity (b/c that's where it seems most people get 'stuck') and no matter what the injury, it helps us ALL to know we are all sinners and flawed human beings and really, holding on to hurt and pain is like chaining yourself to a heavy ball. Of our own making. Never have I seen a better example of this than your h. Can you imagine if your h had an A, that you would be going over and over in your mind, the thoughts of an OW and what they did, where, when and then bringing it up to your H, 3 years later, and then WONDERING WHY YOU CAN'T 'GET PAST IT'?

AMEN to what MWG said. Delete the flippin' emails. That's the only great thing about yelling stuff, no one can throw it in your face 3 years later, or at least not as easily as him going over and RE-READING 3 y/o emails. Who does that? WHY? What reason does he give for doing that? I'd be mortified to admit it. I cannot even read MY old journals because I'll get mad all over again at H for the things he said and did...OMG... Your h is doing something I've never really heard of here, and THAT"S saying a lot.
He obviously WANTS to stay angry, but why? To lessen his own guilt so--, as he told you,-- HE won't ever have to apologize....? Nope, HE'S TOTALLY JUSTIFIED.....Geez, how's that approach working for him so far? Is it helping him love his life and work on his marriage? Hmmm, bet not. I'd love to ask him "how's holding on to every single wound, and picking at it, working for you with your anger and healing? Is it helping you 'get past' it, to pick the scab so often?" No wonder he can't get past it. He's wallowing in it.

Man, I don't have any good feelings on that, just SORRY about it. Yes, of course you regret involving others at the time and as human being with flaws, you might have lashed out at a time of great pain....but enough already.....As many people here find, it does NOT help in the reconciliation department, to tell others. But for YOU to get past his A, you had to do the old "Stop SIgn" exercise, every time the angry and hurt feelings came to you, YOU had to cope and stop thinking that way and go down a different road or you'd be STUCK, like he is.

I don't know if his goal in re-reading the emails is to help him justify his actions TODAY...or what...but even if he "legitamately" was to be angry at you for them, what's up with missing Christmas? Punisihing you? Ooops, YOU had a nice holiday....punishing the KIDS??? Real nice....he's prideful and vindictive and wallowing in his self inflicted pain. Guess the good news is that you are not doing that and by modelling how you have forgiven YOUR exh for far worse...well, hello? I mean, maybe that's part of this miracle is that your h gets to SEE YOU DO THAT....hey, maybe you can tell your h you need his help in finding old papers and photos of your exh to remind you of how horrible it all was and how terrible a man the exh was, so you can withold forgiveness and stay mad and miserable and gee, won't that 'show your exh'? (Oh wait, that'd be stupid and bad for YOU...oops)

It's self indulgent of him to re-open the wounds so they can AGAIN fester and he can AGAIN, act like a little boy. Sorry GG, I am shocked that he'd do something like this so long afterwards and actually think YOU should AGAIN feel badly. What on earth is his goal in re-reading them? Why even have them? What does it exactly prove? God knows I've said things in anger I would like to take back, but if someone re-read them THREE YEARS LATER....well, we'd be done. Period.

Do you think he'll be re-reading the emails into his eighties? Has he printed them out, or can we all hope your hard drive crashes? There really ought to be a statute of limitations on this crap. Yes, You were injured by him and you got angry and lashed out---3 years ago----we get it! Haven't you served your time? I think we all should officially parole and pardon you. Good grief.

Yikes.
j-