It's Complicated! Part 2

[MidwesternGirl]

Or if he can handle what you say to him. Not sure he is at that point where he is able to hear what you have to say.

[MidwesternGirl]

I should have rephrased the above to say that I am not at all sure he can handle what you have to say without him getting mad at you.If he still gets angry at what you say, it does not do much good.

If he is able to hear you out without negative reaction, then this is positive.

Does that make sense?

[glamgirl]

I am remembering bits and pieces of the day yesterday. H was driving sis to the airport and I was riding in the back with D4, sis gets motion sickness.

H was saying to sis. I am not oblivious to what is going on. It's not like I am walking around not knowing what is going on. I know others are questioning my priorities.

He also said something about I know Glam is tiring of the situation and has showed tremendous patience and I hope she can continue to have patience with me.

I was in the back seat and couldn't hear all what was said. I think it's pretty clear what I need to pray about.

[glamgirl]

You are right MWG he is not ready to hear yet. He still gets angry when we go down that path.

He did tell my sis that he loves me very much and that it was never a question about whether he loved me or not.

[MidwesternGirl]

"H was saying to sis. I am not oblivious to what is going on. It's not like I am walking around not knowing what is going on. I know others are questioning my priorities."

What does he think is going on? The million dollar question.

He sounds like a person who needs to be reassured, needs a boost in confidence and gets mad and says things to find out what it is you are really thinking/feeling while at the same time getting you or others upset.

[25yearsmlc]

GG,
I posted the fuller "story" on a forum about forgivenss or infidelity (b/c that's where it seems most people get 'stuck') and no matter what the injury, it helps us ALL to know we are all sinners and flawed human beings and really, holding on to hurt and pain is like chaining yourself to a heavy ball. Of our own making. Never have I seen a better example of this than your h. Can you imagine if your h had an A, that you would be going over and over in your mind, the thoughts of an OW and what they did, where, when and then bringing it up to your H, 3 years later, and then WONDERING WHY YOU CAN'T 'GET PAST IT'?

AMEN to what MWG said. Delete the flippin' emails. That's the only great thing about yelling stuff, no one can throw it in your face 3 years later, or at least not as easily as him going over and RE-READING 3 y/o emails. Who does that? WHY? What reason does he give for doing that? I'd be mortified to admit it. I cannot even read MY old journals because I'll get mad all over again at H for the things he said and did...OMG... Your h is doing something I've never really heard of here, and THAT"S saying a lot.
He obviously WANTS to stay angry, but why? To lessen his own guilt so--, as he told you,-- HE won't ever have to apologize....? Nope, HE'S TOTALLY JUSTIFIED.....Geez, how's that approach working for him so far? Is it helping him love his life and work on his marriage? Hmmm, bet not. I'd love to ask him "how's holding on to every single wound, and picking at it, working for you with your anger and healing? Is it helping you 'get past' it, to pick the scab so often?" No wonder he can't get past it. He's wallowing in it.

Man, I don't have any good feelings on that, just SORRY about it. Yes, of course you regret involving others at the time and as human being with flaws, you might have lashed out at a time of great pain....but enough already.....As many people here find, it does NOT help in the reconciliation department, to tell others. But for YOU to get past his A, you had to do the old "Stop SIgn" exercise, every time the angry and hurt feelings came to you, YOU had to cope and stop thinking that way and go down a different road or you'd be STUCK, like he is.

I don't know if his goal in re-reading the emails is to help him justify his actions TODAY...or what...but even if he "legitamately" was to be angry at you for them, what's up with missing Christmas? Punisihing you? Ooops, YOU had a nice holiday....punishing the KIDS??? Real nice....he's prideful and vindictive and wallowing in his self inflicted pain. Guess the good news is that you are not doing that and by modelling how you have forgiven YOUR exh for far worse...well, hello? I mean, maybe that's part of this miracle is that your h gets to SEE YOU DO THAT....hey, maybe you can tell your h you need his help in finding old papers and photos of your exh to remind you of how horrible it all was and how terrible a man the exh was, so you can withold forgiveness and stay mad and miserable and gee, won't that 'show your exh'? (Oh wait, that'd be stupid and bad for YOU...oops)

It's self indulgent of him to re-open the wounds so they can AGAIN fester and he can AGAIN, act like a little boy. Sorry GG, I am shocked that he'd do something like this so long afterwards and actually think YOU should AGAIN feel badly. What on earth is his goal in re-reading them? Why even have them? What does it exactly prove? God knows I've said things in anger I would like to take back, but if someone re-read them THREE YEARS LATER....well, we'd be done. Period.

Do you think he'll be re-reading the emails into his eighties? Has he printed them out, or can we all hope your hard drive crashes? There really ought to be a statute of limitations on this crap. Yes, You were injured by him and you got angry and lashed out---3 years ago----we get it! Haven't you served your time? I think we all should officially parole and pardon you. Good grief.

Yikes.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Geez, your sister must have had quite a ride to the airport....

he IS getting ic, right?

((( j )))

[glamgirl]

25 yrs that was a very good read on h. Too bad he can't get a read on himself. I asked if he could delete those e-mails and we could start fresh. Many things were said, so not sure what his response was.

I am going to approach h with IC again. I think that would be helpful for him. I think he is open to it. Maybe I can bring that up to him today.

On another note ex h is calling here now. He left a message and asked me to call him. I did and a woman answered his cell. Must be the woman in his life now. Just weird, I don't anything about him now. She said he is at work to call his work.

H just said he has been trying to reach s20 and that he hasn't returned his call. He also said I hope you had a nice Christmas and Happy New Year. As I am listening to his voice, I wouldn't have been able to recognize it from years ago. I don't know if it's me or just a bad memory. It's all so weird now.

Ah what's next.....

[25yearsmlc]

GG,
be careful what you suggest to your h...every way he looks at things show you are trying to change him which means he's all bad and you are judging, blah blah blah....

tread lightly. But again, I might ask, "h, is THIS re-reading, etc helping you get past the anger?" It's obviously a cheeseless tunnel he keeps looping back into. And IF he had an A, or whatever he did that hurt you in the first place, maybe you can remind him that IF you were to do the same thing, over and over, you'd go nuts. YOU Let things go...and YOU are happy again....(where's my hammer?)

You forgave your exh....geez, you'd think he'd think things through. But maybe you have to back off for him to figure out what seems so obvious.
j

[job]

I'm going to make a suggestion and I'm sure others may disagree, but you need to just listen and validate. Your h is the one that has to work through his anger and if talking about it helps him, then listen.

I wouldn't suggest an IC right now. It would sound like you are trying to tell him what to do and I don't think he's in the right frame of mind for that suggestion right now.

Back off, sit quietly and listen. His anger has to burn out at some point and he'll settle down. That's when you can suggest the emails be deleted. He's not ready to delete them and start fresh because his anger is still to hot.

GG, don't try to rush the process. Just go w/the flow and continue moving forward.

As for your xh, call him and advise him that his communication with his son is between them. If he can't reach him, leave a voice mail and if your son so chooses to return the call, he will.