Do they really need to know? Or want to? What difference would it make?
I went through so much of what you did a very long time ago now. I know where you're at, and yes...it does get better and you do find happiness. You just don't know when and how yet. It's really just a matter of faith, especially when things seem difficult.
Regarding what the family needs to know--trust me, they know. How they communicate to you about it or what they reveal to you about it is their business. Remember, we're talking about someone who is a family member themselves...that your H belongs to a family. And regardless of what he's done, families tend to love and care for each other. Oftentimes, that means in unhealthy or dysfunctional ways. I see that so very clearly now in hindsight. Funny how our hindsight is 20/20. I had a long discussion about this very thing with my youngest daughter last night over dinner. We talked about the long, long history of addictions/alcoholism on both sides of the family and how polarized things become and the black and white thinking involved. You have to just let your H and his family be. It's up to you where to go, what to do, whom to be with on a holiday and it's perfectly FINE to not go somewhere. Perhaps you ARE sending them a statement by your absence...that you are letting go of them out of love for now and without having to punish yourself by having to go through the nightmare and the flood of negative emotions while there by witnessing that "elephant in the room."
"Shutting up" or being still right now is probably important. But you are speaking up now for yourself...that's the most important thing.
You and your H have changed over the path of the past 20 years. He did not keep his commitment to change and grow with you, rather he took another path...right or wrong. We can't bring that person of 20 years ago back. I struggled with that idea for a long time as well. I married a nice, funny, handsome guy who made me laugh and shared a lot of interests with me. Somewhere along the way, he turned into a monster riddled with a number of problems that seemed to erupt at midlife. After learning, reading, praying, thinking, living, and being...I came to realize while watching and listening to two of my children go through school to study family psychology and family communication issues that people often tend to repeat the problems that were inherent in their families: addictions, denial, mental illnesses as we go through life. These problems often aren't apparent when we marry, especially when we marry young. We have to let those people go who desire to go, they have to follow that path and desire healing and do the hard work of healing (like you're doing). Sometimes we just can't be a part of their healing. If that makes sense.
You are wise to set reasonable expectations for yourself by saying "I'm ok" and not set yourself up for disappointment by defining what happiness will be for you in the future. Trust me, it will be a joyous surprise for you when you find that "true happiness." We weren't gauranteed happiness in this world, but it is there. You'll find it in yourself along the way! And I think you are doing very well
"So, no, Great Grandma. While I love you and the family very, very much and miss you all, I cannot go to Christmas. I am a second-class family member now, and wanted as long as I can plaster the fake smile on my face and pretend that everything is just fine with me, it all is as it should be. I don't want to have to tranquilize myself to get through what used to be my favorite day of the entire year."
Donna - I think you made the right decision to not go. However, I must make exception to one thing - NOTHING about you is "second class" - you are clearly first class all the way!
You all......I mean, just, thank you so much. Really. Keyz, that was so eloquent...
I had a very good Christmas. The kids and I opened gifts, then grandma and grandpa came next door with SIL to open more and have breakfast (Figgy--I'll thank you again for the recipe for baked french toast!!), played on the Wii. Ate whatever we wanted. S baked sugar cookies. I sent a quick note to GG, and we'll go down on Monday, even meeting up with another SIL. I actually talked to 3 out of the 4 sibs today, which was nice. Saw a very funny movie (Bedtime Stories). On the way home, we took turns "translating" each other's alien speak, laughing our heads off - you have to see it. I even got to embarrass the kids by singing Journey pretty loud on the way out of the theater! (D had left her gameboy at her dad's, and called him in the morning asking if he would drop it off. He was over across the street, but forgot it and never did.) It was just relaxing, and fun, and warm. The kids gave big hugs all around without me reminding them. D had even lost another tooth (2nd in a week, and another 2 are loose!), so the tooth fairy came. I'm glad she still believes - I think this is the last year. When we got home from the movie, it was after X's normal phone call time. I reminded the kids to call, and D finally did, but S was very reluctant to get on with him. Said he didn't feel like it.
Today, we woke up and they jumped back onto the Wii. And then, shopping They wanted to be able to play together (will wonders never cease?) so we got another controller and nunchuck for the system, some other things, and I got a few ornaments. While we were out, X called again - I let S get the phone. Apparently, he wanted to know if he could pick them up at 3 instead of 4:30 because he wants to take my kids and them into NYC to see the tree. Without even asking me about it, S just said no, we're out with mom and busy; pick up at the regular time. Just now, S was out clearing some ice for his grandparents from the drive and saw the gf's car back in the other driveway. He came running in and said, "Don't answer the phone - I don't want to go with dad right now!" I said, If it rings, I'll answer it.
I feel bad for him, but there isn't anything I can do about it. Even when my kids were over there for the overnight this week and her kids were away, they didn't have any time with just their dad. I think those days are over.
They are taking turns packing and playing right now. I am going to miss them this weekend, but I'm using the time to finish some shopping, get my calendar set for next year, get my nails done, and organize some more. I am tackling the kids rooms while they are away, bagging up stuff that they are too big for to make room for the new things. Maybe I'll even put some up on CL... There's a comedy show tomorrow night that I'd like to go to, but I have to think of someone to ask to go with me. My college roomie is coming up, but not until Tues. I'm a little perturbed about my kids going down with them to the tree - I hate the whole happy Brady Bunch family thing. But I think my kids will have fun (I hope so), at least D should. Two XMases ago, I went down with X, the gf, and all of the kids - a month post-bomb, 7 months before the truth came out - and schlepped around with her 3 and 4 year old, running one of them to a bathroom through the crowds, another one on X's shoulders most of the day.....I will never get how the two of them were able to do that, be around me pretending we were all friends, while they were sleeping together for more than 6 months! Its just bizarre...I don't think normal people could ever get it.
So, I'm hoping that I'll be busy enough to not get back into a mood. I hate when the kids are gone.
Hey, I'll have the Wii Fit all to myself to play with
it does get better and you do find happiness. You just don't know when and how yet. It's really just a matter of faith, especially when things seem difficult.
I got this in my email today:
Quote:
Your relationship with God, though, is not based on feelings. It is based on truth. Cling to the truth during this season of depression, and know that God is with You and your prayers are always heard.
"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20).
Well, it is better than it was last year, that's for sure. And I never believed that it could be. So I just have to believe that happiness might come again, too - so many have said it will. Quiet patience.
Donna, Sounds like you had a good Christmas, and the kids aer dealing with all of it the best they can.
Quote:
I feel bad for him, but there isn't anything I can do about it. Even when my kids were over there for the overnight this week and her kids were away, they didn't have any time with just their dad. I think those days are over.
That was the hardest thing for my son to deal with. He would come back from weekends with his dad and cry that he just wanted to "spend time with daddy at daddy's house." That was before the divorce was final and their instant marriage. Sadly I think my kids now fully accept that they will never be a priority in their dad's lives. He even puts her kid above them. I don't think he spends time with them when they are at her house now, he does his thing and they play video games.
Hugs to your kids Donna, they are going through a lot becaue of the selfishness of one man, but they have an amazing mom....so they will make it in the long run.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
You sound really good. The holidays are the true test, and it seems like you came through them well. You are a wonderful woman with a lot of love to give. You are a great mom and your kids realize that. It's very obvious. Have you read the book "The Secret"? The moral of the story is that when you think positively, positive things happen in your life. A month after I read it, the woman I write about literally fell out of the sky. Things are going great with her. I really trust her, and she trusts me. We confided that we both actually were enamored with each other when we were both married, but....we were married, it turns out, neither happily.
Here's wishing you your own "Lightning in a Bottle" for 2009; not some guy living in hs mom's basement with a lazy eye, or some weird, esoteric poet/author (Ugh!), or a guy married to the "Twelve Step" Program and NOT you, but a genuine man who loves you for you!
