While I had a good christmas with no expectations I am still getting worn down with all of this. I know this is a marathon but I am getting tired.
Today I had a quick conversation with my W she said she loved the makeup I gave her, which is a good thing. She was having a conversation with her mom on the phone and I heard her say ya he is a nice guy thats his thing, I guess I was being a bit sensitive and have been working nights which makes me a little "off" but when she hung up I asked her what she meant by nice guy because when she was talking to her mom it sounded sarcastic. She said don't be sensitive I don't mean it in a bad way. She said you are a nice guy, just not the guy for me. I am so sick of being the "nice guy"! Everyone else thinks I'm great but it doesn't help with the one person that I care about the most my W.
I know things have improved between us but after that conversation I feel that she is in the, we can be friends mode even after we break up. I feel that I am being too nice and accommodating making this easy for her. It is killing me not to be close with her I miss her! I guess I had no expectations but secretly may have been hoping for something better. I know I can't rush things but I think I need to go dark for a bit give her a chance to miss me.
She still is talking about packing etc. I hate being an outsider in her life I want so badly to make her feel special.
Before I left for work again we had a quick chat in which I responded to a statement she made something like we get along great its too bad we have to split up. I responded by saying " we don't have to, the past doesn't have to stop the future. It went something like that I am tired and can't remember exactly. (I get the feeling that she may feel that because of the what she has put me through she doesn't have the option. ) I also told her that one of my regrets was that I didn't spend more time making her feel special and that she deserved that. (could have been a mistake but I feel I want to tell her that I will make sure that I will take more time to focus on her needs and be more aware of the little things,) I didn't say that, only thought that.
I know i am ranting but I guess I just needed to get it out! I would love to sit down with her and have a heart to heart but I know I just have to ride it out. I am not forgetting all of the positive stuff that has happened but it felt like it got washed away with the statement "you are a nice guy just not for me"
Anyway I will take another deep breath relax and sign off. I really admire you because you have kids I can't imagine dealing with children as well!
Jeff
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
