It's Complicated! Part 2

[glamgirl]

Yes 25 yrs you are right. My lesson is that I can forgive, I can love again, I will be alright if it doesn't work out with current h.

I feel all that and know all that, but with current h, he is the one I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He does have such really good qualities. I just think his life got derailed somewhat on this road to life.

If my life goes on without him, I will be ok. I would rather spend my life with h that's all, but can't force him to want to be with me. That I know for sure!

Thanks for posting your insight!

[25yearsmlc]

hey,
don't forget, you once wanted the same with your exh, remember? You even said how much you once loved him. I'm not pooh poohing your feelings for either man, But the qualities we loved 20 years ago, and now, and 20 years FROM now, may not be the same. Neither will the men...maybe your h WAS the man for you, and maybe he ISN'T now...or will be again or won't be...whatever.

God sent you a lesson and though you're sensing it, you are resisting it too. Let yourself feel the miracle and the light on your sitch you've been praying for, and He has shown you. Don't fight it. Let the light in.

j-

[happynow]

Glam,

Thank you for your prayers!!!!

Hang in there, you are getting great advice!!!

(((HUGS)))

[glamgirl]

25 yrs I understand what you are saying, but their is a difference in trying to make it work with someone with severe addictions. When my ex and I separated, I was done. Did not want him in my life anymore.

Where here I am separated from my h, but would like to make our m work again. I don't believe in walking away just because the shoe doesn't fit anymore, but I do believe in reshaping and molding the shoe for a better fit, but this all takes time.

My h is in a crisis and I am allowing him to finish his crisis.

[glamgirl]

Well h came over today. He took my sis to the airport. D4 and I rode along. I was quiet. H said to sis Glam is mad at me. It wasn't that I was mad, I really didn't have much to say. What is there to say. H you missed Christmas and this is what we did.

He said he drove and drove and drove and then drove some more. Just thinking and contemplating his life. He said he is still so angry that he can't even talk to me about it yet. He said if he talked to me he would be so upset that he wouldn't be able to talk to me for weeks. I just said h you will need to forgive.

He said it isn't a matter of forgiving but forgetting. I also said h if you decide you don't want to be with me, it's ok. Me and the kids will be fine. I said I want to be with you h, but can't force you to be in our lives.

He said it's up to you if you have the patience to wait for me. I didn't respond. I am in a different place in my life right now. I know all will be fine with or without h.

Maybe with talking to ex, my perspective has shifted.

H took me and D4 to dinner. Great Thai Food! He held my hand the whole time at dinner and sat right next to me. We had a nice time.

When we got back home, h cuddled on the coach with me. We laughed and laughed. I said h what would you do with your life if you didn't have me in it? There would be NO drama and your life would be boring. He just laughed and said see you tomorrow. Well I guess he will be here on Saturday.

[25yearsmlc]

GG,

NOT saying to work it out when there's addiction/abuse. Nope, not saying that. Just saying you once LOVED your exh, (according to you). Your heart got broken and things fell apart, BUT you survived.

Indeed, You moved on, and found love and happiness. Part of it was probably that you didn't obsess and by your own admission you let it go and moved forward for your sake, and the sake of your son. What's the diff now??=== as it relates to moving on and letting go? Oh, you WANT a recon? Yeah, I get that...big time. But pursuing has not worked. Obsessing has not worked. I've forgotten how long this has gone on and honestly am not that sure what the heck your h is so angry about. You don't want to go over that specifically and that's fine. We're left to guess....but my assumptions, and that's all they are, lead me to believe this anger of his is a lot of projecting and a bit self indulgent. My guess? You guys had issues including your own "stuff", he cheated, made you madder than hell and you blew up, and both hurt each other. His "crime" is adultery and yours is smaller but maybe more numerous...don't know who is "ahead" on the score board and don't care. Either move on (this goes for HIM mostly) or STOP the M. Seriously if he cannot let go of what you said and did but YOU can...it's just as if the reverse were occurring.

HEre's a story I once heard that helped me spiritually, and I'll post it elsewhere if I can.

The world heard God speak and he said the "World will end in 7 days". People with sins changed colors; jealous people had green faces. Adulterers had "A"s on their faces... Everyone's sins were publicly known and politicians wore bags over their heads. People were in disbelief but they all heard the voice. The next day, the voice said "The World will end in days." People went nuts. They prayed, they self flagellated, they cried. Some stole and hid. Some went to confession over and over. Days passed. Finally only one day was left and a couple held each other. The man had an A on his forehead, as he'd broken his marital vows. The wife had the green of envy and bitterness around her mouth as she had often said biting things.

But the man said to his wife, as they faced certain doom, "You know you are the only woman I ever loved. I'm sorry about the "A.' And the wife said, "I made mistakes too and I forgive you, do you forgive me for my critisizms and resentments?" The husband nodded and they hugged each other tight, waiting for the end....Suddenly the A on the man's face disappeared and the woman's face cleared as well. Others noticed and the word got out that the way to avoid certain doom...was to forgive. The world was saved.

j-


You've been miserable until lately as you've started to GAL...

[Jeff3]

Great story " they say the gift of forgiveness is the gift you give yourself"

[MidwesternGirl]

Glam:

What really stood out in your recent post was that your h had to announce to your sister that he thought you were mad at him. Now why would he do that? A part of me thinks he is so seeking attention and wanting someone else to validate what he is thinking as if to say, See, I told you so..............

I can't really get into his head and none of us can but he seems to have very deep issues that a professional has to step in and help him sort out.

All you can do is be kind and show unconditional love and let him be when he goes into hibernation.

[job]

Glam,
I agree w/Midwestern on this. Your h has some very deep issues. However, I think his guilt was getting to him about what he pulled on Christmas and he wanted some type of validation. Don't buy into his comments about being angry.

I'm glad he came over and took your sister to the airport and then had dinner out. Glam, I do think that if you are patient enough, things will turn around. That's not to say you have to sit and wait on him. Go on w/your life for I think a lot of miracles took place over the holiday for you. One is that you told your xh (first) that you forgave him. That was a huge miracle and of itself for him and his family. The second is you allow your current h to do his own thing on Christmas and managed to keep your expectations very low, but you also did some things on your own after your h went MIA. A lot of lessons and miracles in your household this season and it's not over yet.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday. Listen, validate and be a friend to your h. No expectations....expectations hurt us when they don't follow through on them.

[glamgirl]

Much more was said by h yesterday. He said that he has not been good at communicating with me and that he is going to do better at that in the future to me and to the kids. I think this is huge.

The anger in h.

He also said he went back and read the e-mails I sent 3 yrs ago. Ok I was angry and said many things when I should of been silent. Probably all my past hurts came spilling out on paper. I can't change that. His thoughts how could I say these things if I truly loved him.

Also he said we could have dealt with our issues privately, but I had to go make them public and then my family sided with you Glam. This bothered him even more than I think what was said.

I did tell him I spoke to my ex. He was fine with that and that convo went well. He did say Glam I am not your ex, so don't expect an apology and a sorry from me like you received from your ex.

He said he did a lot of thinking and it always comes back to the same conclusion. He can't get past the anger and hurt of what I did. What he can't understand is that HE hurt me too and things were said and done out of anger and hurt. He is struggling with this big time.

I do agree he has some deep rooted issues. Not sure what can be done. We did talk some about h's anger in C. I said out loud what are we going to do to fix this. H immediately responded, it's MY issue to fix.