When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

whitney,

I am glad to hear that my situation and my XW struck a cord with you. I am also sad that you are experiencing some of the 'stuff' that I've experienced along the way.

At this point, let me back out and re-explain some stuff about my sitch. First and foremost, XW and I are not reconciling as of yet. I have been working to DB/reconcile since we split on Feb. 11, 2006, and I have been the only one making ANY efforts to work our relationship out. Mostly, I have met only her desires to be separated, divorced, and to move one separate from each other after the divorce. I have had fantastic mentors her who have taken time out of their personal lives to advise me and point me in the right direction. I've had some of these people tell me that my sitch is hopeless because of my XW. And yet, I'm still here. Fighting for my M. Fighting for my W. Fighting for my family. Fighting for me.

I don't have all the answers, but I was told this by a mentor, "YOU know your sitch and your XW better than anyone here does. Ultimately, you have to make the best decision for YOU."

The same goes for you, whitney. I can tell you about my sitch. I can tell you what I've done. I can tell you how my decisions turned out. But even then, that's ME doing something in MY sitch, with MY XW, not YOU doing something in YOUR sitch, with YOUR XW. Probably similar yes, but definitly different.

Experience, post, read responses (to you and to others), digest, post, read responses, digest...and on and on.... You seem like a very good man with his heart in the right place.

Again, focus on you and your children. At least consider doing these things:
1. Spend time searching for material to improve you. Much more exists than you would ever guess no matter how much time how much time you have spent searching.
2. Safeguard your attitude, heart and sanity.
3. Protect you children. Love your loved ones.
4. Make new friends who participate in activities that interest you and your children.
5. Strengthen your faith in God. Join a men's accountability group.
6. Read what interests you to broaden your knowledge base.
7. Start a new hobby (or two or three).

Bottom line, whitney, is focus on YOU. In my situation, my XW has lied to me so often that I have simply told her that I don't believe a word she says. I have told her that if I want to know the truth about what she values and what her priorities are, I don't need to ask her anything; I only need to WATCH her.

I have told her, "No matter what you do, I am NEVER surprised or shocked by what you do; often disappointed yes, but NEVER surprised or shocked. The funny thing about this line is that, just as her GF told me last year, "XW DOES listed to everything you say." In this instance, XW has used that exact line to tell me about how she (XW) feels about her own mother. LOL

My friend, let's work on ourselves together, as strange as that may sound. We both are on the same uphill struggle to reconcile our marriages and re-unite our families. Let's be strong together.

Tom