Hi Jon, I don't know if I'm posting on your thread or somebody else's I know I wrote to you somewhere else today....I think....I'm soooo confused!

First, let me say that I did not realize that you had already been at this for over 2 years. Here I thought you were taking off like a jet after a short time.....and I don't know where I got that idea, but the point is, you are doing good and you will still have those sucky days and have to get through them the best you can.

It is soooo hard when there is a little child involved. The debate about exposing affairs has been ongoing for some time on the board. My outlook about it has turned quite a bit since I have come through the fog and can see better these days. However, I feel very strong about telling children that are younger than 9 or 10 very much information. I have an 8 year old granddaughter who I think is as sharp as they come (naturally) but I don't know what would happen to her emotionally or mentally if she was told that her mother has a boyfriend or was having an affair b/c I don't think she knows what that is. I think she knows a little about sex, but I don't know how much.

If your D8 is over at your W's while OM is sleeping there......oh man, I don't know how you are dealing with that at all! If he is not sleeping and is visiting while she's there, that is still hard on you, I know. The fact that D8 heard what grandpa said about "how's your boyfriend" concerns me. I think she has probably overheard a lot of adult conversation that she should not have been exposed to. Most of that was out of your control. It still is out of your control to a great degree.
That has to tear you apart as a parent.

I know you told your wife that you would raise your D8 with your idea about M and she could raise her in her ideas. However, I realize that you were angry when you said that. My heart bleeds for this child, as for so many others, b/c she is the one caught in the middle of two parents pulling her in two different directions with different viewpoints and will be telling her opposite morals, norms & standards. Very tough, indeed. My suggestion for you is to get her into therapy as soon as possible. And....listen to me here, okay? I hope you aren't a school counselor or this will make you angry, but in smaller school districts that do not have the money to afford "real" therapists, the word "counselor" is misleading. They are academic counselors......that's all. Do not inturst your D to an acadmeic counselor to talk to her about physiological problems. That is from my personal knowledge about them. In fact, I don't have a lot of confidence in just physiology counselors b/c of my bad experience with them. Most do not have any more hours in physiology than a high school academic counselor and so they can really mess a kid up mentally. I would take her to a very well known and trusted physiatrist/therapist. I am not trying to scare you, but I would not let this go very long with the signs that she is showing. I think she is under a great deal of stress and does not know how to manage her feelings and sees all the distress between her relatives and especially her parents. Maybe I am making too much out of it by suggesting a physiatrist, but if she were mine, I would not take any chances. There are so many messed up kids b/c of what they are exposed to when they are little. You can't help a lot of that and I am not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I'm just trying to encourage you not to let this ride very long before you make a decision about your D8. Kids are very smart, but their little minds can't handle as much as some adults seem to think that they can.......and I don't care how mature she may seem for her age. Yes, they are resilient to a lot of things in life b/c they have to learn to be, but there are some things that you just think they are dealing with okay, only to discover that it will show up later in their life.

Well, hope I did not completely distroy you with this post. That was not my intentions. I know you are upset and angry and concerned. Our emotions make it hard to think clearly sometimes. I only want to help, and I hope you believe that. And, I am only offering suggestions.....I'm not telling you what you must do.

Oh, about finding other people's posts or threads.......when you see their name out by the side of a post they have sent, you click on their name and scroll down to view posts and it brings up the ones they have posted to. You can usually go all the way back to the beginning (unless they've been here a real long time) to find their first thread. It's not too hard to figure out where their story is posted.

Take care,
Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!