Making my own good karma!!

[glamgirl]

SC well your h was thinking of you on Christmas Day. It's great you made it through the day without a meltdown.

I said today that I wanted to take down the tree. I just want to pack Christmas away already until next year.

The holidays hurt!

[25yearsmlc]

SC,

You are doing better than you realize. Be there for your son as much as you can be. Maybe invite a friend of his that you are comfortable with, and take him/her too. (My kids each have one or more friends I really like so thank GOD for that but if not, forget the idea). But for now, make it about your Son and GAL (and your d if you can deal with her.) She sounds like she has some issues not of her making though, so your son might be a little frustrated he has not buddies as siblings, but I'm sure your d has some good points he's lost sight of these days...we ALL do that with family members. Give it time.

Seriously, the holidays are passing and you are making it!
(( j ))

[Silent Chrleader]

{{{{{{GG & 25}}}}}}

Thank you for your encouragement. It really does help!!

I had a really tough time last night. I had several panic attacks. This was very unusual for me because I am on the higher dose of my AD which usually keeps them completely at bay. However, I do have another med that the Dr gives me for on an "as needed" basis. So, I took that and did my meditation and got through it okay. And I didn't call H! I so bad wanted to, because he has a way of talking me through episodes like this, but I didn't!

I slept in a LOT because the of the med I took, and I really feel tired and drug out (as I usually do after an episode like that) but I OK. We have a little house cleaning to do and then I am going out with my boy (S17) to have some fun!

I'm so ready for this year to be over!!

[25yearsmlc]

You did some 180's!!! Yay!!! They DO get easier (the 180's AND the panic attacks) and that's great. Also, if you MUST...just find another person to vent to. For one thing, since the sitch with your H is a trigger for some (or all?) of these panic attacks, it seems to me you're maybe using them as a way of contacting/pursuing, him for reassurance. But it's the very thing that will push him farther away. Are you doing some cognitive work as well? The reasoning part of your mind that says, "hey, worst case REALISTICALLY (cuz we could ALL suddenly spontaneously combust you know) is something that I CAN handle..." and therefore the panic is not something rational. At least in some cases. I know if my kids were missing, I'd panic and think dark thoughts. But on an ongoing basis, you MUST get a grip and realize your life is NOT falling apart. Your h might be and maybe your M is....and if that's the worst case scenario in your life (realistically!!) than you are doing better than 95% of the women in this world.

Just do whatever it takes to get through those episodes, and don't contact him. Especially when you are at your weakest. It's NOT attractive to him, and no matter how well he "calms" you down (placates you with words that he means, as a tool to calm you down, NOT as a recon speech, make sense?) Seems to me you are setting yourself up with calling him at those times. UP the meds at those points b/c if there's ever a reason for taking them, THAT"S one of them....

Sorry if I sound too pro-meds, but I know for some people they are the only way to get through this type of behavior pattern, until the day comes when maybe you won't need them. For now, if they keep you from contacting your h when you know he does NOT want you to, then take them as directed...

Have FUN with your son...and GAL...
j-

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, 25.

I've dealt off and on with panic disorder for the past 25 years. Some people get migraine headaches under stress....I get panic attacks. Actually I am pretty great under the stress itself. It's in the calm afterward when they hit. One of my triggers is my stomach. I have a very nervous stomach. (runs in my family). And it works both ways. If I get nervous, my stomach gets upset. If I get an upset stomach, it often triggers the anxiety. My brain just links the two together.

The last time I had the stomach flu, I just laid on the bathroom floor and wished I was dead because I couldn't keep down any meds to help with the panic attacks I was having one on top of the other. After about 8 hours of complete misery, I finally fell into an exhausted sleep and slept for 18 hours straight!

I think yesterdays episode was triggered by eating too much of my Mom's great food! I have been trying to get healthy for the past several months, and the past week I have not eat much at all due to my tooth problem (I have lost 45 lbs!), so yesterday I had decided I was going to eat whatever I wanted to and not even think about portions and how much fat or sugar it had in it. So, I ate too much, and my stomach got a little upset and...........I paid for it!

So, the house is now cleaned up and I am setting out to brave the wild tundra and crowds at the mall with my S17.

Oh, and don't worry about sounding pro-meds. I have been trying to get healthy and cut down "synthetic" substances, BUT I have long since stopped believing in the idea that there is nobility in sitting and suffering in silence! My Dr used to get on my case because I wouldn't take the med until I was really in a big panic cycle because I was afraid of it because it is addictive and I don't want to get into just popping a pill whenever I feel "weird". My doc said that at that point it was like taking a baby aspirin for a major migraine! And he told me he didn't worry about me getting addicted at all. So, I am now OK with taking something when I feel the real need.

Take care, 25, and I hope you and yours had a really great Christmas!

((((hugs))))

[Silent Chrleader]

Oh, and whereabouts "Near LA" are you, 25? {If you don't mind my askin'?}. I grew up in Escondido, and I went to college (for one semester) at Pepperdine. H and I still have family down there in Escondido, Carlsbad, Hemet and Hanford.

I love to go down and visit, but it's so very crowded now!! I don't think I could take living there again.

[25yearsmlc]

Just wondering,

Have you also backed off "the PLAN" that has him moving in AFTER the holidays...for HIS 'convenience' so he can more easily work on the dream house, and know that you have birthdays and anniversaries coming then too? Why set yourself up for such pain? Let him stay at his lovely 'month to month no commitments anywhere'...place

Let him "inconveniently" figure out a way to get to the dream house for sale...b/c if that's THE PLAN, ie selling the dream house, so HE can be free to move on his life and HIS plan....how on earth are you going to get through the time with him there in your face? Gross. That's a set up for failure. These were HIS choices in leaving and renting, etc.

IF you still hold out hope for a recon, or just need self respect and not have him see any panic attacks, why enable him to come into the home he chose to leave, and the hurt son, to make it easier for HIM TO SELL THE DREAM HOUSE????

Yes, I get that you'd also benefit from the house sale going faster, or higher, but really, it's an awful big sacrifice for YOU and a lot of risk to your heart and a LOT to expose your son to, at this time.

Why not protect yourself instead? It's not being punitive but it is setting a boundary. Consider it expensive insurance for your heart.

What if h just kept away from the "family home" as he HAS BEEN DOING ANYHOW, and continue to pay for the rental he's had and do the commute? Why change this arrangement? It's "INCONVENIENT??"" OMG, FOR WHOM???

This is a consequence his choices, LIFE, is giving him, but you are preventing them and enabling him from facing them because maybe you just really want him there...at some level you think you need him, and that neediness is NOT what he should see, but it'll be hard to hide for that long with him in the house. OMG, with the panic attacks and him right there, I think it'll be a blg back slide. Down deep, is b/c maybe you think all that pressure will do what? Wake him up? You know it won't. At least your head knows this, and where the head goes, the heart will follow...eventually.

Isn't it possible that he wants some more "Freedom" without admitting it, and to placate you or delay consequences...he said, "I'll come back...(later)...." BUT just to get ready to leave"?? wth?? How can this be good for you?

I'm not clear on this at all. I just think if you want to GAL and move on, you could seriously set yourself back. What would the 180' thing be to do?
j-

[Silent Chrleader]

Oops, 25, ya' got it a little mixed up there. The "main" house (i.e. the one we actually have lived in) is where I have been living with S17 (and D24 and my brother (50) sometimes). I wanted to stay in the house and "maintain my stability". So, back in June, H moved out, but he left all his money, etc. going into our joint account and I maintained all the bills and such (except for the rent on his apartment, which he made out the check for.

Anyway, In the past several years, main house has not been worked on because all our money and effort has gone into "dream" house (aka "the ranch"). When H moved into the apartment, "the PLAN" was that he would move back into main house to work on M. Also, at that time we would need to start doing projects on main house (i.e. a LOT of remodeling). In preparing for that we have ripped up all the carpet and bought paint, got an estimate roof replacement, etc.....the place is really in shambles.....really.

Well, a couple weeks ago when H informed me that he didn't want to move back home and was looking at getting an apartment with a friend in Seattle such that he didn't have the commute, I said "No way, Jose" and did a 180 and said it was my turn for a new start. But, I opened my own bank account. Arranged for my salary deposits to go there. I kept my car payment and student loans, and paid my rent 6 months in advance, and gave the rest of my bonus to him which should tide over the "joint" stuff (i.e. mortgages, loans, credit cards) for about 3 months. By the time that 3 months is up (April), H will either need to arrange a re-fi, or sell one of the houses, even if it's at a significant loss. But it's all in his hands, and I'm not worrying about it anymore!

So, he will be living in the "main" house on his own doing the work that needs to be done. I have actually been up front with him in what I was doing. I did not lie. I even showed him my budget and made up one for him. (By the way, did I mention that I am an accountant?). He is a smart man and I do think I can trust him to make the best decisions given our circumstances, and with everything being held jointly, it does behoove us both to work together on these issues and, in all honesty, we have done so. He has told me numerous times that he does not want to "shaft" me and I have said the same to him, and so far, we have both lived up to our word. H did not agree with me getting the apartment he did, but he didn't fight it really either.

The apartment I got is very close to the main house. I really thought hard about that one, but I really liked the place and I did think it would be a good thing for allowing S17 to help H with the work on the main house. (Although S17 says he has told H that he will only work every other weekend....???) But, I'm not getting in the middle there.

I've been wondering if I should offer to help with the work. In the past, I was not much for "strapping on a toolbelt and working by H's side" and that was one of his complaints with me. Since the bomb, I have done a 180 and am always offering to help with this or that (such as work up on the ranch). But, H often doesn't want to accept my help because then he feels "beholden" to me or something, so he usually turns down my help. So, now I'm thinking that when I move over to my new place, I'll just do a 180 again and stay over there unless he specifically asks for something. That way, I'll give him his much wanted "space". If H specifically asks, then I'll help of course. I'm afraid thought that if I back off that much, he'll think "See, her changes didn't last". Hmmmmm, not sure about that one.......???

[25yearsmlc]

SC,

If you help with the house, is it to be near your h, or to help with the project? It'll be seen POSSIBLY, as pursuit. What if you paint a room, or something not easy to mess up, and do it on a day h isn't there? IF his reaction is positive, maybe you'll do more but I'd stay away from appearing to help with any expectations. Plus, "thanks" are sort of nice but not that mandatory since it is a mutual project, correct? I mean, if he's doing all the work, won't he feel it's reasonable of you to help?
j

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, 25.

That's a great idea to maybe do a small thing when he's not there, if there's ever a time he's not there that is, because he should be here most evenings and weekends. I will see if an opportunity to do that arises.

If I helped it would not be because it's any great joy for me to do it. H is a bit of a drill sergent when in "project mode" so it wouldn't be "fun". It would really be because I feel I should. But today, H was going to do some work, but his back is really bothering him because he wrenched it getting my car out of the ditch the other day, so he ended up just coming by and giving S17 a few things to work on this week while he is still out of school. As H left, I just came out and told him that I would leave this all as his baby, and stay out of his way, and trust that if he needs anything from me, he will tell me so. I also told him that it was not my intention to leave him in the lurch, so please don't hesitate at all to ask. He said that was just fine.

So, next weekend H plans to go up to the ranch to do some stuff up there and he said he will bring back some of the stuff I want from up there. Then the weekend after, he is leaving free to help me move (i.e. take apart and put together furniture, TV, computer, etc....).

My plan is now to go very dim. Not dark, because we have been getting along very cordially. But I am NOT going to initiate any contact unless absolutely necessary. And I am going to look for something else to add to my GAL repertoire......

Thank you so much, 25, for "adopting" me. You wise advice and support are a lifeline to me!!

((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))