You did some 180's!!! Yay!!! They DO get easier (the 180's AND the panic attacks) and that's great. Also, if you MUST...just find another person to vent to. For one thing, since the sitch with your H is a trigger for some (or all?) of these panic attacks, it seems to me you're maybe using them as a way of contacting/pursuing, him for reassurance. But it's the very thing that will push him farther away. Are you doing some cognitive work as well? The reasoning part of your mind that says, "hey, worst case REALISTICALLY (cuz we could ALL suddenly spontaneously combust you know) is something that I CAN handle..." and therefore the panic is not something rational. At least in some cases. I know if my kids were missing, I'd panic and think dark thoughts. But on an ongoing basis, you MUST get a grip and realize your life is NOT falling apart. Your h might be and maybe your M is....and if that's the worst case scenario in your life (realistically!!) than you are doing better than 95% of the women in this world.
Just do whatever it takes to get through those episodes, and don't contact him. Especially when you are at your weakest. It's NOT attractive to him, and no matter how well he "calms" you down (placates you with words that he means, as a tool to calm you down, NOT as a recon speech, make sense?) Seems to me you are setting yourself up with calling him at those times. UP the meds at those points b/c if there's ever a reason for taking them, THAT"S one of them....
Sorry if I sound too pro-meds, but I know for some people they are the only way to get through this type of behavior pattern, until the day comes when maybe you won't need them. For now, if they keep you from contacting your h when you know he does NOT want you to, then take them as directed...
Have FUN with your son...and GAL... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
