It's Complicated! Part 2

[glamgirl]

I don't really know what to tell h. Not that I want to hide anything. It was ex h that reached out to me and I hold nothing against him, but now my head is filled with all these past memories.

Many of which I blocked out years ago. I feel bad for my ex now. He was crying so hard and seemed to be so genuinely sorry.

It was as if he wanted to hug me right through the phone. I am still shook up. We only talked briefly since he seemed so choked up. I didn't really expect this response.

[25yearsmlc]

GG,

thus far you win for having the wackiest holiday...yikes!... I know a guy from my neighborhood who lost touch with his family (well, he LEFT them and never contacted them so...) decades ago and NEVER contacted them again....idiot. You know, as crazy and UNcool as your exh must have been, it DID take courage and humility to call you. Good for him. Let him try to heal his life. Maybe something bad happened in his new M/R, and his s8 is someone who reminds him of all he lost with s20. IT IS A GIFT, so please don't forget that. BLESS YOU For saying you forgive him. He needed that...so did you and your son.

As for your h and calling/ not calling/thinking/ leaving messages or not...blah blah blah....do NOT overthink. Whatevs... Don't waste any energy wondering b/c for God's sake, your H doesn't understand why he does the stuff he does, how on earth can YOU?

Same for the other guy calling you to wish you a nice holiday. I did the same for an old male friend of mine b/c I know he's lonely. I really hope he isn't reading into my phone call, b/c I honestly reached out to him as a friend, maybe a little like a sister. He could read into it, and that'd be a drag for me. SO unless you have some guy come right out and spill his guts to you, don't read into anything. Take words at their face value. With your h, of course, you can only read half...

All in all, your h was 50% present, which is better than last year but not enough for you in the long run....so take THAT R one day at a time....and an old flame and the father of your first child, made reached out to you. So did his family. That's a big gift to you. And a nice guy reached out to reassure you that you are not alone, and that you have a friend in him. If he means more, it'll be revealed. For now, isn't it nice to know you have a friend and IF he means more, it means a guy finds you attractive enough to call on this holiday. Hey, another gift either way!

Is your real fear with your h that he was with some OW, or partying or what? I mean, if he was really alone and depressed, Geez, He has some issues of his own to work on and you can't get him out of that hole. In fact, you really have to step back. Indeed, n[b]o matter why he wasn't there, you have no control.[/b] The things you've tried, which amount to various forms of pursuing, have failed so we know that doesn't work. The times he starts to come around are when you are GAL or being upbeat and backing off, so we know what DOES work, to the extent anything does.

Remember that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior, but expecting different results. Don't go down any cheeseless tunnels anymore, and ask yourself before you call or contact him, what your goal is and whether the remark is really likely to lead you to your goal.



Ohhh, yikes. This year's award for weird but pretty darn good holidays...goes to YOU... (of course, there are a few posts I have yet to read and there are lots of WAS that get wacky this time of year....)
j-

[glamgirl]

Yes 25 yrs, wacky to say the least. Well it certainly wasn't boring. As far as h having ow, anything is possible. Deep down I believe it's depression, not ow. If he does have ow, she isn't getting much of him.

He is with us mostly and when he is not he is working. It is possible though he visited others on Christmas. Like you said what can I do about it if he did. NOTHING! That is what I have to remember.

Thanks for posting!

[glamgirl]

Sitting here and thinking. A little overwhelmed with all that happened today. I am sure my ex will contact me again. I don't think that our convo was done. He got off the phone quickly since he was so choked up.

I met ex when I was 17 years old. I was ingrained in his family. I had the first grandchild s20. I really didn't realize how much I affected others lives until today. His whole family was so excited to hear from me.

Now they want to see me. It's as if they want to immerse me in the family once again. Just lots to think about!

[happynow]

Glam,

25 yrs is right, you get the award for the wackiest! But, I'm so glad you H showed up yesterday & things went well.

You are doing great! Take one day at a time.

I'm having a rough night, I would appreciate your prayers!

(((HUGS)))

[job]

GG,
I'm glad you called the xinlaws. You've got a lot to think about, but I'm glad you forgave your xh. He's carried a lot of guilt for a very long time and you know what, it's good that this happened. Your son can determine just how much contact he wants w/his father and you can step back from the situation. As for you, you have control over your situation and can also determine just how much contact you want w/them, not the other way around.

Now about your h, I do not think he visited w/anyone yesterday. If he did, I would be surprised. He's another one carrying a lot of guilt and shame for his behavior and the way he's feeling. At least the day is over and done w/and hopefully you can get things back to normal in a day or so.

I think I would tell him about the phone call. I certainly wouldn't keep any secrets from him. You did good GG!

Enjoy your day and try not to think too much about what transpired.

As for the strangest holiday experience...miracles do happen and God really does work in mysterious ways!

[SirPrizeMe]

Wow, GG. God is working in your life.

I am not sure you are a believer in signs, but this contact from your ex seems like a pretty strong sign. It shows that He does work in their hearts, even long after we think things are "Done."

It shows that people do regret their rash actions and decisions under stress.

It's terrific of you to express forgiveness to him. We all need a good dose of that, at times.

You have been blessed!

[Silent Chrleader]

WOW, GG!!

I don't know what else to say, but WOW! What a crazy turn of events!

I am not a religeous person at all, but it sure seems like there was some sort of greater power at work here.

((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))

[glamgirl]

New day! Thanks for all the great advice. Snodderly you are right I will mention the phone call. I am open and honest and am not into keeping secrets.

NLT I will pray for you.

In all of this that transpired, I sat back and realized that people do regret their actions even after so much time that has passed.

Even if we never hear that they regret, my situation shows that they do. My ex was truly sorry for all that he has done.

I do believe in God and devine intervention and know that this was God's work. I actually forgave my ex many years ago, but never had the opportunity to tell him. I was so angry after all went down and prayed to God to remove the anger in my soul and miracously God did just that.

I am actually quite releived that my ex knows he is forgiven. People make mistakes. It does NO good to hang onto anger and resentment.

Not sure what God is trying to show me. If this has anything to do with my current h.

[25yearsmlc]

GG,

Didn't mean to trigger any fears of OW or anything, just thinking how weird it is for a guy with family to hole up alone on Christmas....yikes...ANYHOW, like we say here, let go of the uncontrollable and we know your H is definitely that. SOOOO, another great thing about the xh and your call was your son hearing you forgiving the xh. You modelled forgiveness so now your son knows what it looks like. Maybe God wants you to be able to feel the same way someday, about your present h. I am NOT God so I don't know His will in this. But the wackiness is another way of saying, possible miraculous...?

We do know You survived a D years ago, a h leaving you 20 years ago, regretting it, doing nothing for his/your son....and you moved on and forgave him and learned to love again...hmmmm, any possible lessons you just got reminded of?

(( j ))