Detach>Worse>Weird>Better ???

[Sophie]

checking in...

Christmas Eve went great...kids and I have a Christmas Eve tradition IF I finish buying and wrapping, to go to the Mall, walk around, snack and watch people shopping. It is SO relaxing to be finished with everything and just sit, eat a cookie and watch others stress. (Mostly men were last minute shopping )

H had to work until 4...then he said he had to go wrap. He mentioned guys at work might take him on some fishing trip the day after xmas (I assumed he was planning his escape ahead of time...but, it ends up it was a true story)

H was wrapping...wrapping...wrapping. I expected him to say it was getting too late and that he just couldn't get here. I was wrong...he was wrapping and talking to d8 most of the time on the phone. The kids kept calling him...they couldn't wait much longer.

I wondered how he felt about spending the night here...cause he did file D papers against me 11-10-08!!!

H showed up around 9...exhausted, but in a normal friendly...just plain normal mood.

The kids opened one present and finally got to bed around midnight. S10 asked H to sleep in his room and watch him play xbox. H said, sure.

H and I put all the presents around the tree for the morning...(the kids fell asleep pretty quick).

I've done all this by myself while H sleeps on the floor for the last 3 years. I have pictures of him sleeping in front of the tree after I finish!

This year...he helped me and really go into it.

Last year...he was in the most ugly, depressed mood..EVER!! So, this year was nice to for me to be around him...but, he filed D papers, remember??? I'm so confused.

Anyway...then, H engaged in conversation with me about his work, fishing, a little about his family...seeing his truck because he needs one that hold everyone in it safely...he asked if he could borrow my VWbug if he sold his truck before having another to buy right away (he'd get my Bug running for me...it's a 1970 and needs a little work).

I thought he was going to ask me to sell it and give him some money!! Maybe, he'll try to do that later...geez.

We yakked until 3am...why? I have no idea. H can be so comfortable to be around...and, I guess I'm getting much better at the 'as if'...it's not 'as if' any more. It's 'what it IS', now.

Christmas morning and all day was the best Christmas we've had in over 5 years. A true family day. H and I were 100% exhausted and very little sleep...but, no one would ever think that we have had such a horrible time of it.

Earlier in the week D8 made me a picture frame out of pop cicle sticks. Other than that, I didn't receive a gift from the boys or H.

I had small, but significant items for H...from each of us. H was very appreciative and said he never expected them. He was saying this in an apologetic way for not getting me anything.

I did not care...it just didn't matter because the kids and H were happy, peaceful, content, relaxed...and satisfied.

Maybe a little later I'll feel left out...and taken for granted...but, I feel at peace. 'Mom' took care of her family.

Mr CC tm'd 'merry christmas'...that was nice

No contact from H today. I asked him if he didn't go fishing and had some energy to come get the boys for a while...

I don't expect that to happen.

INlaws are coming to my house on Saturday. I asked H if he was going to visit with them this time...H said 'sure'.

I had to journel this...it's crazy.