Well, another Christmas has passed and I am still in limbo. I promised myself that last year would be the last Christmas spent in this way and I broke that promise.
H was here, as was my sister and her family. He did not seem to want to be here. I dont really know why he was. I guess for our son, though last year he was with ow - son didnt seem to matter then.
I feel my h is getting further and further away. I can sense that he is done with the marriage. We are just two people living in the same house. No anger, just existing.
I do not want another year to go by like the last. I know a lot of people feel that it is better if they are in the home, but for me, I dont think it is.
I am uncomfortable, and so is he. I think my son is also. His dad sleeps downstairs on the couch. He sees us acting like good neighbors and it bothers him.
So, I need to take the next step. H has to leave because I cannot move forward on this journey while he is here. I am sad about it, but I just dont think there is much hope at this point.
I have to figure out what I want out of life, what I can offer to this world and help my son through this and onto his next step in life. There needs to be some kind of movement and I need to file. I am ruined financially and I have to start to build up my finances somehow.
First of all, kudos to you for lasting 18 months in this situation. I've only been here about 4 months and I feel like I want to scream or dissolve into a puddle sometimes.
I made a decision to start the new year off by finally moving forward and trying (trying, trying, trying) not to look back at all. I've been getting a life here and there, but always with an eye to maintaining that wifely, caretaking self. Next year, both eyes will be on the road in front of me.
Let me know how things go for you. I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. I think I'm going to start by buying myself some new gym clothes tomorrow and getting back there on a daily basis. Start taking some classes there and meet some people. I need some non-work, non-couple friends.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
Thanks so much for posting. I saw your quote, the opposite of love is indifference and thats exactly how my h seems towards me, indifferent. And thats why I feel it is hopeless.
Your plans for yourself sound really good. I need to start walking in that direction more myself.
One idea - Think about your son a little more deeply. You say it is awkward for your son, having his dad on the sofa. You think your son feels uncomfortable. Probably true. How much more awkward would it be for him to be gone? How much more unpleasant for his dad to be 2 hours away? I am no professional, but it is my understanding that for kids, the only damaging part is when there is active hostility and anger in the house between the parents. If the parents are polite to each other but warm to the kids, it's still ok, better than no parent at all. Two parents who live together peacefully and respectfully, though not with passionate love, are good for kids.
We think of kids as these delicate flowers, and in some ways, they are. But kids are people too - they are not characters in fairy tales. Kids need to see problems and troubles, and they need to see people working through them with love, honesty, integrity, and compassion. This is invaluable, because if you fast-forward in any person's life, you can guarantee there will be unexpected, unpleasant surprises. Kids need to see parents behaving with grace under pressure, so that they know this is possible, later in life when confronting their own difficulties.
I am not telling you what to do. Only suggesting a different perspective on your son. Also I recall that your son has special needs, and it's possible that all of this does not apply to him.
But listen: I see a lot of people on this board who lament the toll the situation takes on the kids. And it is regrettable. But it seems to me that parents often feel their kids' emotions for them, real and imagined. That is not our business as parents. Our kids feel what THEY feel, we feel what WE feel.
Kids are resilient. We as parents are often distressed because we relive our own childhood views. We project them onto our own kids. But my kids never were 13 years old, not yet anyway. Comparing my childhood to that of my kids' is not helpful - it only muddles my thinking. I need to be careful about that.
If you think it is awkward for your son, as you said, maybe you could talk about it with him? Rather than reading his mind and drawing conclusions.
Of course, maybe you have done this kind of thing, and your son has already said - "Jeez, I wish Dad was living somewhere else. I hate him being here." But it did not sound that way from your words "I am uncomfortable, and so is he. I think my son is also." Those words sound more like you reading your son's mind.
Of course, we all realize that it is very important to consider the kids. We are parents and we cannot act but with their welfare in mind. But in the end, it not is the kids' decision. Or to relate it to your specific situation, your son's perspective does not trump all other factors.
You also said H has to leave because I cannot move forward on this journey while he is here. This sounds more honest to me, than "I think my son is uncomfortable."
If you need H to be gone, say it and think it and embrace that fact. Do not lay the responsibility for your choice at your son's feet.
--- I feel you struggling with this situation, it is going on so long. I know it is awkward for you. Having your H half-in and half-out of your life. Sorry it's hard.
Hey S, always thankful for your views. You dont need to use kid gloves with me. I know you are not telling me what to do. I would hope by now that you know we are friends who could share some honest opinions between us. At least that's what I hope, S. So here's the thing. Would it be worse for my son if his father were not here? My opinion, yes, it would be. But as you said, I should not feel my son's feelings for him, so I do not know for sure.
But, my son is not seeing adults working through their problems. He sees two people living in a house, treating each other as aquaintances. He knows his father has said he was unhappy with his mother for things I did or didnt do and then he sees his mother accepting it all.
My h has told my son three times he is leaving. And I have watched my son watching us. He has told me he just goes through the days wondering if this is the day his dad leaves. He tries not to ruffle any feathers or cause any arguments so that maybe that wont happen. Is that healthier? I dont know. My son does not open up about things. I get little snippets of thoughts from him. I base my opinions on those.
But you are right, I think my h should leave because that is what he says he wants. And because it is not ok to have an affair and still live at home. He is cake= eating big time.
Everyone could say GAL, move forward, act as if, and I do it to some extent. But because he is right here, I cannot do it fully. My actions are taken with him in the back of my mind. It is human nature to do that I think.
But it is because I dont want my h to be two hours away from his son, that I have tolerated it this long. Because my s loves to hang with him.
So maybe in all honesty, it is me. I am having trouble moving foward with him here. And it does not have to do with our son.
Who knows? I just try to live my live according to my moral compass, with as much dignity as I can.
I just dont know if it is the right thing to have him continue to stay here, while having an affair, and our son wondering what day it will be when he leaves. He told my son last February he was going and then again in November.
My opinion is that that is not right to do to our son. Telling him, watching him cry and then staying. Stay and dont say you're going or say you're going and then go. So son knows what is going on and he could go through the stages he needs to in order to accept it.
BM who knows really..some MLCers stay at home have A and end A and chances are better iof they are home for R
With my kids I would probably just tell them dad is in crises we love him and prat for him some people go thru deep inner changes and get confused we will pray for him and do whatever we can to stand by him wheteher he was home or gone I would tell them its not about them dad is troubled now
I think it has helped my kids transition I know it is hard to move on whether they are here or out My H is living with OW I still find it difficult to let him go and totally move on never thought I would put up with A but here I am we are with U peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks Peace. I need to get back into my own journey. I was doing pretty well with it and then I fell right back into staying home and hanging around. Not good. I need a kick in the pants.
