Hi Daisy and ITH,
Just thought I'd drop by and say hi and offer some support. Financial pressure can be really tough... my wife and daughter and I were strapped (admittedly by the standards in which we grew up, which were fairly middle class) for the first 7 years of our marriage. Once I finally finished my education and started making good money (knock on wood and thank God!), some aspects of our marriage actually got WORSE! I guess what I am trying to say is that the money stuff CAN pull you together, if you approach it as a team. I can also tell you that when I was in my early 20s I was sponging off my parents and fairly directionless, but then finding this amazing woman and little girl (who, who knew, would one day be my wife and daughter, and then one day years later move out in a storm of fury and panic) helped me find my motivation to be a man and a provider. (Aside re me: I pray that this separation will help me discover a more loving side of myself, now that I seem to have the provider thing down).

Anyway, I GUARANTEE you that your H feels insecure about not "bringing home the bacon," and, like many insecure people, is probably a bit afraid to try right now. Maybe what he needs is less pressure and more support (that is in no way a criticism, since I live in the frailest of glass houses when it comes to that stuff)... what have you been saying to him? How would he react if you said something like, "I know you are having a tough time finding a job right now, I believe in you?" And just leave it at that...

My W is, bizarrely, facing a similar but different problem. I believe she has become frustrated and depressed with her role as a SAHM and wants to get back into the world of school and work, but has some insecurity about it. I wonder how SHE would respond if I just said, "I know you are feeling some stress about going back to school, but I BELIEVE IN YOU!" That would certainly be a heck of a departure from my usual, "It's your problem, you deal with it." (Yeah, I am becoming aware of the fact that I can be insensitive at times... hope it's not too late for me to change).

Anyway, my "advice" comes with the usual caveats... "Only you know your situation, only you can make your decisions," and "My marriage is FUBAR, so should you really be listening to anything I say?" All that aside, if your roles were reversed what would YOU want H to say to YOU?

Me: 33 Her: 39
M: 8 T: 10
K: D15, S4
Separated 10/30/08.
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