Hope all had a Merry Christmas. Let me start with my screw up...Went to older D's for Xmas Eve. drank, yes I know I wasn't supposed to . Finished about two bottles of wine. My kids were afraid I would get emotional around her, start crying and begging and the like. Never happened. Drove home though, huge mistake....Middle daughter followed me home and chewed my ass out royally for making her a wreck. I was in a good mood. Now let's get to the happenings with Wifey...
She sowed up at Ds and I was in the kitchen with FIL and my son in law. She walked over to everyone and wished a merry christams with a kiss. Came over to me put her hand on the small of my back and gave me a kiss, I got the cheek. She immediately said to me she had a cold and didn't want to give it to me. I had my arm around her waist and wished her a merry christmas while I lighted rubbed her back. told her she sounded awful and asked if she was taking something for it. Small talk and then that was pretty much it for that. I was cordial and nice to her the whole time.
Me and my kids left around 10:00, got home, D21 balled me out. We laughed a little and her and her boyfriend left. Around midnight the phone rang. It was W. She had run out of gas on the highway on her way home. they wanted $80 for road service to come out and help. She was in a panic. told her to calm down, where are you, I'll come get you. don't get upset. Younger D hid my keys, said you are not going anywhere. Told her I need to do this, you don't understand. I need to take the oppotunity to help her when she is in her worst. D17 tough, let her call someone else. You have been drinking and you shouldn't go. I told her to call her brother. He came and got me and we went out to rescue her. She was talking to my son about my FIL. I guess he gave ti to her good at the party. you're screwing up your life, what is wrong with you, If I ever see this guy I'll kill him....the whole nine yards...
Anyway rescued her and sent her on her way. I was a wreck driving home with my son. Emotionally fell apart. Told him I felt I needed to take this oportunity to shine. It was all BS in my head. Told him that now I felt like a doormat again. Not sure why I felt I needed to help her, she is with someone else, let him bail her out.
Chrsitmas morning I was a basket case. Being there without her on the holiest of days, I went into my room for a good cry. Got a hold of myself and enjoyed the morning with my kids. everything was great. Went to church..
W showed up to pick up D17 to go down to her fathers. told them I would be right along I had some thngs to do. About a half hour after they left I got a phone call. It was my D17, I didn't recognize the number. She called and said they had a flat tire. She told me where they were and could I come. I told her I'd be along. I thought they were off the road. They were on the main road. I pulled up about 40 minutes after they had called and there was a cop helping them. I finished it up and they told me the trunk latch was broken. We pulled the car into the parking lot. The latch was jammed so I took the whole thing apart and fixed it. All the while humming to myself and smiling. She said she was cold and I told her to get into her car, but he seemed to want to stand outside and watch me work. Tire was shredded.
Got to FILs and jumped into the jacuzzi with him. we talked about what had happened and he told me that I should not have drank last night and should have just sent my son out, I should not have gone. He did say that I was very nice to her and everyone was shocked that she kissed me. This was the image I had seen. Anyway, he said sounds like another "coincidence" that we get along great at xmas party, she needs to be recued that night and calls me directly. Next day, she needs to be rescured and have her car latch fixed. I do it all without a lot of bravado or anything.
He also told me he is not giving her anymoney for anything. Him and his GF talked after I had left last Saturday night and agreed that helping her out rather than letting her crash will not get her on the path back to me. I thought that was a very deep conversation and told them both how much I appreciated it.
Tire for her car is $150. for one, she will need to match it. She is overdrawn in her checking account again. She has not paid me for the car insurance, she says she will have it next week. She has a repo niotice on her car, she needs a tire, she wrote checks w/o the money in the bank and owes me car ins money. She has told everyone , including me, she is going to ask her dad for the money. After he laid into her on Xmas Eve, that ain't gonna happen.
I didn't feel well last night. she had to leave her Dad's Early last night because she was going to a party and then home where they were all going to sit around have some drinks and have a sing along. Told FIL she is got him coming to her house no doubt. He told me not to think about it, who cares and to keep focusing. FILs GF talked to me last night and asked what are you going to do now that you have rescued her twice, like a knight in shining armor. I told her back into the cave. There is nothing if she is with him. She said good. You have done what was right to do, and now don't expect anything. Move on. Let her think about what has happended and who she needed to help her.
I am a wreck, but last night, thinking abouther made me sick. I went to bed early cuz I was so tired...And talked to God again. I told Him that I know the sign I wanted was the kiss on Xmas Eve. I thanked Him for that. But what about these two situations. D17 had called me from a strangers house. Her mother told her to call me. There are friends of ours that live 2 miles from where she was. I asked Him if I did the right thing. Am I reaching? the answer was what I already knew, do onto other....Now He wants me to keep on moving. I asked why she isn't seeing these things as signs for her...I asked why is she still with OM who lives in his parents basement, who is obviously using her for the sex, hate to be crasse but it is what it is. she tells everyone he gives her gas money when she goes down there, I know the truth. I asked Him, should I have not helped, let her struggle with finding anyone who would help her...I have no expectations from this, she did. She asked about tires last night before she left. Do I need to by a set of two. I told her yes. the other tires are worn and you will need at least two. The side walls release do to overheating the tire. Which is from driving too fast. She drives very fast. She was either waiting for me to say forget the car ins or I'll see if I can find you tires. she knows I know people. Neither offer came from my mouth, and they won't.
I asked God, is she on the brink of her meltdown? Is it coming soon? the answer was no. He told me I should not spend time thinking about her meltdown or anything she is doing. these things will happen with or without me spending time there.
SingleDad, here is something I have read and advice that has been offered. Becoming friends with her will only happen after you have learned to forgive. Being friends for the sake of it is BS and will only cause you to have expectations that will never come. Yes, she tells everyone she wants to be my friend so that she can feel more comfortable with her situation and her guilt. If become her friend and act like I don't care, then I enable her to continue her actions. You need to be dark and you need to be very aloof. Do not let her know anything about you. You are the only thing you can control. Deal with you. As you have been ging through this for a while, I am sure you have run through quite a bit of emotion.
Originally Posted By: SingleDad
LonelyD - I read your thread and the "what if" world - I live there too.
Somewhere in your post, you mentioned how hard it is to be friends with WAW, after doing all she did to you. I understand completely. Does she really want to be friends - or is it just easier to get over the guild of her ongoing affair if I don't fight it and be friends.
I know we need to be friends if there is ever a chance to repair our marriage, but how do you do it when the WAW has moved on with her own life with her BF ?
You do not know this person anymore, she is a stranger to you. you will need to go throguh some phases with her to reapir your marriage. You will not need to do any of it while she is with him. She is moving on and so should you. Nothing I do is about her or for her. It is for me, my kids, my dog, the bird my friends....Not HER!. I love my W very much. She continues on with OM because she feels this is where she needs to be to be happy. whatever (hate that word)! I have forgiven a lot of what she has done. But I will not entertain being friends with her outside of these family gatherings until he is gone. My life is good without her. It would be better with her, but I cannot and will not hang my hat on it. God has talked to me, He has shown me things about myself I never realized. He has given me strength I did not know I had. He has shown me patience I never had and He has shown me true forgiveness. I have learned the power of prayer and I have learned to believe in myself again. I am very confident, have strong self esteem and I am very independent. She is not confident, licves in a world of self lies and self justification, has no independence worth bragging about and low self esteem. She has not rationlized her life and her choices because she has not realized these are mistakes. Her father told her the other night she is screwing her life up and making the ultimate mistake. I explained to him that she is not in a rational world right now. His GF told him the same thing. We both told him that when she does get to that point she will fall hard. You need to realize that your W may or may not really want to be friends. My guess is it is just antoher way for you to enable her life. If you are not comfortable being friends, then don't. If she is with OM, you are out. That is the short of it. You are out. I am out. We are out. I give you this, at the end of tis lesson, we are the prize. We will become the best people we can be because we need to reiscover ourselves and find the true self. To be the type of person we like, to be the type of person we would want to know, to be the person who can change peoples lives by just being involved in theirs. This is true self. I have done it. It is not hard. It is painful, but not hard. And once you discover yourself, staying true to yourself is very easy.
God bless, keep you safe. Make no mistake, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your tunnel.
