Time for ME to change...scared as hell...

[theotherhalf]

Thank you all for your blessings and I send them back to you twofold.

Christmas Eve I worked till noon. D17 had to work noon to 5. We had snow AGAIN. D got home and the girls and I just hung out watching christmas shows on tv. Both girls finally asked if H was coming. I said I do not know, I hadn't heard from him. They were getting hungry so I called him. He was sleeping. I asked him if he was coming out. He said no, probably not. He'd be out in the morning. I told him we were going to start early because N15 has to go to her great grandmas. I told him it wouldn't be the same without him but okay, and the door is open if you change your mind.

I made eggs and saugages, hashbrowns with cheese, and for dessert chocolate chip pancakes. All that the girls ordered. Afterwards we watched xmas movies. D17 was having a tough time she was quiet and really grouchy. She ended up going to her room. I let her be for awhile. H called about 8. Asked if he brought out deer sausage if I would cook it in the morning for breakfast. I said yea, that would be fine. He told me he was going to get BIL from work at 10. I told him they could come here if they want. BIL is welcome too, he doesn't have anywhere to go for xmas. H said he'd ask BIL and they'd see.

After I talked to H I went in to talk to D17. I told her how bad I wanted to sit and cry for all that is wrong with our lives. That I'll be the first one to stand up and yell how bad this sucks. But why, that just makes things worse. Wallowing in self pity does me no good. It's christmas, and I'm putting a smile on my face and making the best of things. I told her to maybe try giving her dad unconditional love for christmas, not for him but for herself. I said that H and BIL may be coming and it would do my heart good if we could all make the best of things and try to enjoy our time together. I then left her alone. It was maybe an half hour or so and she came out and asked me if I'd play monopoly with her. So N15, D17, and I spent our evening playing board games and really had a good time. H and BIL did come. They sat out in the kitchen and watched our movie and us playing games. We all talked and laughed and did enjoy our selves. They stayed.

Christmas morning everyone was up early. I made breakfast and everyone ate. We opened gifts. Then they all napped while I cleaned my kitchen. It was a good christmas. I have to say H put on a good show. If an outsider would have been here they wouldn't have had a clue that H did not want to be here, that we were seperated and have been for 1 and a 1/2 and maybe headed for D. The guys were here till 3 then went to town. Inlaws xmas was at 4. I did not go. H never mentioned it. The girls went.

I spent my Christmas night home alone. Alot of stuff running through my head. I sit in my living room with only the tree lit. In quiet. I cried and cried for all that I have lost. I remembered all the Christmas's over the last 25 years. The inlaws christmas has always been my favorite. What has made the holidays so special to me. I use to have them at our house and I loved every minute of it. Alot of work what with 7 siblings and their spouses and all (now 29)their kids. Then H and I lived in a 2 bedroom trailer for 10 years and I couldn't have them anymore. I could not wait to get this house so that we could fill it with people so dear to us. The laughter, the love. We planned it so their was lots of room for times like these. We had 3 christmas's here then H left. Now it is a big empty house. The basement is almost finished and now it is empty. No one comes to visit. There is no fun, no laughter, no love. Now it is just a house. Another piece of ammunition that my H uses against me to justify his leaving. He says the trailer wasn't enough for me that I just HAD to have this place. I wanted it for him, for my girls, for H family and in the end I am here alone.

End of the evening D&N came home. H's nephew and his girl friend came to see me too. (he had texted me earlier in the evening and told me that I should be there and that he loved me)D said that H and BIL were coming out too. I said I doubted it. She was convinced. They never showed.

So today Christmas is over. I made it through the best way I knew how. I will take the tree down today and put it all away. I feel like something is brewing with H. I am prepared for what's to come. He did his best to make the holidays good for our girls. That's all I can ask for. If he files now at least we can move forward. I almost feel like we've closed a chapter.

Thanks for listen I really just needed to get this out of my head. Pick myself up and start again.
TOH