My C wasn't so bad. H didn't call at all on C Eve but he came around C Day and spent the day with us. A little awkward as he just showed up in the morning. He didn't tell me he was going to come by early but I am glad he did because the kids can open presents early. He has keys to the house so he just lets himself in. I haven't made a big deal about keys yet but it's kind of annoying.
As usual we spent the day as a family. The kids still don't have any idea of our separation, they just think Dad is real busy at work. But they don't question us about it. I know we have to tell them one day but I want H to think long and hard about the implications. MIL is coming soon so that will trigger these hard issues.
I held my tongue many many times. He still lies thru his teeth about his comings and goings. Still acts as if there is no OW, don't know why, he knows that I know so why the pretense??? Just want to avoid an argument I assume. He is so avoidant it's frustrating. But I am DB'ing like nobody's business. No tantrums, no tears, no begging. Just being happy and enjoying my life. He stares off into space sometimes and grimaces once in a while. I have no idea what he is thinking. And I am just beyond caring to tell you the truth. Just don't hurt the kids, that's my first priority.
I talked to my family, they live far away. I know they are missing us and I am glad I got to talk with them. They think there is no hope. I guess that's OK. I have hope, it is a very very long term hope. I hope that he will see that I am a changed woman, that I am a better person and I hope that he will choose his family over his 'free' life. I see him wanting to shed responsibilities, to not have to answer to ANYBODY, to be able to do whatever he wants. I think he really want to live a life of his 20's except he has kids and wife now and it's holding him back. I don't know if he will ever resolve these issues and he is scared of major communication. I don't think he is as forthright as he can be with his IC, his Mom or me. WE each get bits and pieces of his story. But not the whole thing.
He acts almost normal this week being around the kids but then he will get all worked up and then lie to me about his schedule then make a quick exit. I, of course, don't react to his lies or anything. I just take it in stride and act like it's perfectly normal.
I have no idea if he is having second thoughts or not. I don't think so yet, I think he is still pretty heavy into A as he is making excuses to be with OW.
I am going to see IC so I can get more strength to have even more patience. I don't want to give up at this crucial moment. I am not ready to give in to this fight.
Sometimes I look at his lying face and think to myself, is this all worth it? And sometimes I have doubts and think (in a non-angry way) no, I don't think this man now is worth this effort. But I have to believe that this man is sick, he is going thru major issues and I have to give him a chance to work thru these issues and regain his conscience and manhood, his integrity. That's all I can do, give him a chance. I can't change him, just improve myself and give him time and a chance. No guarantees but I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't give this one last chance.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
