Hi Veronica: It's funny - I've only received two Christmas presents this year - as in objects - but having my father there last night, and having my son say what he did just made me feel like it was a very complete Christmas...at least as complete as it could have been without my baby boy there.
I've had many thoughts pass through my mind these last few days - and yesterday, while talking with my mom about my plans for the future - and about how much I've missed being in an academic environment...I quietly realized that I wasn't even thinking about being with another person. That may not seem like a big deal - but it's more than just saying that I wasn't thinking about being with someone other than my wife - it was a realization that I just don't feel much of a need or an urge to be in a relationship at all.
I look toward the next few years - and see them as a time when I can build my relationship with my sons, focus on stuff that I had neglected in myself, and just grow...while my W and I had talked about having another child - before the bomb dropped - I would have to say that I'm very happy with just my two boys.
This is kind of new for me - since I've never really gone that long without a relationship before - and have always felt a silent urge to meet someone new...but for some reason that's just not in my mind at all...almost like I just want a break from all the issues that come with being in a relationship.
I spoke very briefly with my W today...hm...even calling her my wife is starting to feel false...and I just felt like I was talking to someone that I no longer had any connection with at all. She was distant and cold - the usual thing - and even seemed a bit reluctant to answer my questions about how my baby boy is doing (he's been under the weather for a while now...and she doesn't seem to be doing much about it...).
I felt today like I used to feel when we would talk over the phone while having an argument - and I would get this frustration go through me - and this thought of why can't she just be more mature about this so we can settle it and move on...in the past my perspective had a lot to do with my own issues as well - and I suppose my perspective still has a lot to do with my own issue - but I can also see that this person I'm talking with is no longer involved in carrying about us or about our future - it's as though she has become defined by her anger...
Which leads me to this odd conclusion...maybe I don't belong here on this site anymore...since I am not trying to rescue my marriage any more...rather, I am seeing the end of my marriage as a positive thing for me - and for my kids. I'm not walking away from it - I'm not giving up - I'm just accepting it as over - and while I still have sadness at that thought - and can still recognize the good memories I shared with my W - I just don't see much potential for happiness with the person my W has become - or accepted as herself.
Granted, as you said, Veronica, she may well be a stranger to herself - but I just don't see her struggling with who she is - or fighting against it any more - I think she may have just accepted this persona as her genuine self - and maybe that's the problem...the person I had known and loved never felt that genuine to me - and I often felt like she was putting on a face in order to be someone she wasn't truly comfortable being...and now that mask is gone...and she is who she was raised to be...and just isn't fighting it anymore.
There were many times when I thought my W was too much like her father - and she would fight that and deny it - and I know it's a terrible thing to say or think of someone - and it's dismissive and belittling - and I don't want to bring that type of thinking with me into my life after this marriage - but when I saw the similarities between my wife and her father they often worried me - since the big similarity was an ability to say or do something terrible - and then within an instant - and right in front of the person that saw her say/do that thing - pretend that it never happened...it's one of the reasons I've never trusted her father...and one of the reasons I've often had a time trusting my wife...especially after her affair.
So...I don't know...I think I'll still keep coming back to the site - I just like the people here so much - and I know that I'll still have more things to go/grow through in the months ahead as I move toward ending my marriage...but I just don't want her back any more...it pains me to say that...but I just don't have any doubt about it anymore. I am happier without her in my life - I feel safer, less taxed, no anger, calm - and have more clarity. It's not that she was the cause of any of these emotions - it was just that the dynamics of our relationship just weren't healthy - and weren't built on a good foundation...and given who she is now, I don't think we could even rebuild on a good foundation if we wanted to. I just don't trust her enough...and I don't know if she has the strength it takes to break away from her past...
Coming home and being surrounded by love and support has made me see just how much I have to offer someone - and just how able I am to live independently. I don't need my W in order for me to be happy...and that's become very obvious to me...especially since being with her just hadn't been a source of happiness for a long time...since well before the bomb.
I must admit that feeling this way kind of sucks...I wanted to be one of the rare success stories - I wanted to have my love for my wife win out and prove stronger than our pain - and her past - but it's just not what I feel in my heart anymore...I love her. I will always love her. But I can't bring her happiness - nor can she bring happiness to me....
I'm not angry with her and I don't resent her - I'm just not addicted to my love for her anymore - since that's how it felt sometimes - like this addiction that kept pulling me back to her, no matter how harmful it was for me...I think it's just over...and I am fine. I want to heal now and rediscover my life.
