PM thanks for stopping at my sitch. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas. Your H sounds so much like mine about going out buying presents. They do not value themselves so they think by spending money will compensate. AS we know it does not. I will continue to pray for all of our wayward spouses. I will have limited use to internet when I am gone but will be checking in. Take care and God bless.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hi there PM. Just thought I'd check in on you to see how you were getting on. You seem to be dealing with your sitch amazingly at the moment. When you said,
"I am removing myself from the picture entirely. I refuse to be his scapegoat any longer."
it really upped the huge amount of respect I already have for you. I've found that the more my W does to p**s me off, the less respect I have for her and the more I seriously consider a future without her in my life. I know now that I'd manage just fine without her and that you'd manage just fine without your H but this doesn't mean we're ready to throw in the towel just yet. Don't you feel that you're completely unable to relate to this side of the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with? Who are they? For myself, I really can't understand what's so bad in my W's life that she wants to run away from it. What she has now is a husband who loves her unconditionally, a beautiful baby boy who lights up any room with unbridled cuteness, a gorgeous house and lifetime financial security. She was madly in love with me once so I'm at a loss to understand what happened to change her. In your sitch I'm fairly sure that the OW had a lot to do with leading your H off the path but as I've still found no evidence of any OM with my W I'm still confused. Maybe people do just fall out of love. Is it wrong to think that my W might benefit from time apart so she realises what she may be giving up? I don't want to lose her but while we still live together, very little seems to change from day to day.
Anyway PM, I'm sorry for hijacking your thread. I mainly just came on to wish you and your children the happiest of Christmases and joy in the New Year. I've always fancied an American Christmas. I don't know if they're like the movies but you always seem so much more festive over there than we are here. The British celebrate things in a much more subdued manner. I still hope we all have a good one though, no matter where we celebrate it.
Remember PM, no matter what life is throwing at you, try to find any reason at all to make you smile again. Even if it's only for a moment.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Thanks CIW, I am glad you are back. I've just posted on your thread.
Here's a quote for you and all of my friends here.
While watching a biography of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, he said, 'Without enemies we never learn patience and forgiveness."
That says it all, I am a better person for what happened this year. Yes, I believe I am.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
My C wasn't so bad. H didn't call at all on C Eve but he came around C Day and spent the day with us. A little awkward as he just showed up in the morning. He didn't tell me he was going to come by early but I am glad he did because the kids can open presents early. He has keys to the house so he just lets himself in. I haven't made a big deal about keys yet but it's kind of annoying.
As usual we spent the day as a family. The kids still don't have any idea of our separation, they just think Dad is real busy at work. But they don't question us about it. I know we have to tell them one day but I want H to think long and hard about the implications. MIL is coming soon so that will trigger these hard issues.
I held my tongue many many times. He still lies thru his teeth about his comings and goings. Still acts as if there is no OW, don't know why, he knows that I know so why the pretense??? Just want to avoid an argument I assume. He is so avoidant it's frustrating. But I am DB'ing like nobody's business. No tantrums, no tears, no begging. Just being happy and enjoying my life. He stares off into space sometimes and grimaces once in a while. I have no idea what he is thinking. And I am just beyond caring to tell you the truth. Just don't hurt the kids, that's my first priority.
I talked to my family, they live far away. I know they are missing us and I am glad I got to talk with them. They think there is no hope. I guess that's OK. I have hope, it is a very very long term hope. I hope that he will see that I am a changed woman, that I am a better person and I hope that he will choose his family over his 'free' life. I see him wanting to shed responsibilities, to not have to answer to ANYBODY, to be able to do whatever he wants. I think he really want to live a life of his 20's except he has kids and wife now and it's holding him back. I don't know if he will ever resolve these issues and he is scared of major communication. I don't think he is as forthright as he can be with his IC, his Mom or me. WE each get bits and pieces of his story. But not the whole thing.
He acts almost normal this week being around the kids but then he will get all worked up and then lie to me about his schedule then make a quick exit. I, of course, don't react to his lies or anything. I just take it in stride and act like it's perfectly normal.
I have no idea if he is having second thoughts or not. I don't think so yet, I think he is still pretty heavy into A as he is making excuses to be with OW.
I am going to see IC so I can get more strength to have even more patience. I don't want to give up at this crucial moment. I am not ready to give in to this fight.
Sometimes I look at his lying face and think to myself, is this all worth it? And sometimes I have doubts and think (in a non-angry way) no, I don't think this man now is worth this effort. But I have to believe that this man is sick, he is going thru major issues and I have to give him a chance to work thru these issues and regain his conscience and manhood, his integrity. That's all I can do, give him a chance. I can't change him, just improve myself and give him time and a chance. No guarantees but I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't give this one last chance.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
sounds like your Christmas went ok and I'm sure the kids enjoyed their time with Dad.. I'm surprised your kids don't ask why dad isn't staying at the house anymore.. my 4 yr old ask all the time... she wants Daddy to come home, to stay here with all of us.. etc.. but I guess that is good that they havent' felt the effects of it yet... but if they did they would probably make him feel it by saying stuff and crying.. that is what my D4 does to my H ....
Glad you DB'd and held your cool... it really comes down to our H's affairs sizzling down or the bubble to pop before they will realize what they had and possibly lost. As you said it best... we are here to not give them any other scapegoat to use against us.... they will always look back to see what kind of dignity we have and how we handled ourself with pride and unconditional love...
you are a remarkable women..
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
It is so great to hear that you are keeping yourself and your children as the most important focus of your life. It sounded like you did great keeping your cool and holding your tongue. I know how very difficult that can be.
PM, thanks so much for that link! I started reading it today and such good advice. I plan to read more this weekend, print it out, and follow it. Thanks so much for sharing; needed that today! Karen
