Do they really need to know? Or want to? What difference would it make?
I went through so much of what you did a very long time ago now. I know where you're at, and yes...it does get better and you do find happiness. You just don't know when and how yet. It's really just a matter of faith, especially when things seem difficult.
Regarding what the family needs to know--trust me, they know. How they communicate to you about it or what they reveal to you about it is their business. Remember, we're talking about someone who is a family member themselves...that your H belongs to a family. And regardless of what he's done, families tend to love and care for each other. Oftentimes, that means in unhealthy or dysfunctional ways. I see that so very clearly now in hindsight. Funny how our hindsight is 20/20. I had a long discussion about this very thing with my youngest daughter last night over dinner. We talked about the long, long history of addictions/alcoholism on both sides of the family and how polarized things become and the black and white thinking involved. You have to just let your H and his family be. It's up to you where to go, what to do, whom to be with on a holiday and it's perfectly FINE to not go somewhere. Perhaps you ARE sending them a statement by your absence...that you are letting go of them out of love for now and without having to punish yourself by having to go through the nightmare and the flood of negative emotions while there by witnessing that "elephant in the room."
"Shutting up" or being still right now is probably important. But you are speaking up now for yourself...that's the most important thing.
You and your H have changed over the path of the past 20 years. He did not keep his commitment to change and grow with you, rather he took another path...right or wrong. We can't bring that person of 20 years ago back. I struggled with that idea for a long time as well. I married a nice, funny, handsome guy who made me laugh and shared a lot of interests with me. Somewhere along the way, he turned into a monster riddled with a number of problems that seemed to erupt at midlife. After learning, reading, praying, thinking, living, and being...I came to realize while watching and listening to two of my children go through school to study family psychology and family communication issues that people often tend to repeat the problems that were inherent in their families: addictions, denial, mental illnesses as we go through life. These problems often aren't apparent when we marry, especially when we marry young. We have to let those people go who desire to go, they have to follow that path and desire healing and do the hard work of healing (like you're doing). Sometimes we just can't be a part of their healing. If that makes sense.
You are wise to set reasonable expectations for yourself by saying "I'm ok" and not set yourself up for disappointment by defining what happiness will be for you in the future. Trust me, it will be a joyous surprise for you when you find that "true happiness." We weren't gauranteed happiness in this world, but it is there. You'll find it in yourself along the way! And I think you are doing very well
