And I want the impossible....I want my husband back, the one I remember from 20 years, the one I fantasize is stuck and lost somewhere in there....that this is all some huge mistake. It could have been made right, it should have been made right. But he would have to WANT to do that. I love the man I knew for 20 years with all of my heart; I would die for him. I am in mourning for him, for my life, for being secure and safe, for being cared about like that, for being worthwhile. I have forgiven him, but I don't think I have forgiven myself yet.
I prayed to God last night to help me. I want so much to have what I had once....and I can't have that, now. In response, I ran into a good soul today I know from work. She reached out to me. And within a few minutes, another one, who missed me. And hoped that I would come back to the AlAnon meetings where people understood, where talk was helpful and not gossip, where there would be people who "get it" and aren't afraid to stare down that damn elephant. I thanked God aloud for that.
I know that I will survive this, even if I don't necessarily want to. I have been the most reluctant LBS...afraid to let go. Afraid to let the love in my heart die.
So, no, Great Grandma. While I love you and the family very, very much and miss you all, I cannot go to Christmas. I am a second-class family member now, and wanted as long as I can plaster the fake smile on my face and pretend that everything is just fine with me, it all is as it should be. I don't want to have to tranquilize myself to get through what used to be my favorite day of the entire year. The pain of not being with all of you is less than the pain of being near him and knowing that I am no longer wanted, I am rejected and no longer in his heart.
I am speechless...you have put down what is in my heart exactly. Merry Christmas to you Donna. It may not be the Christmas we wanted, but its all we've got, so we go on. Thank you, you'll never know how much it helps just reading this. ((((Hugs)))) Sugar
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
