I like what you said about letting people take care of things themselves more than you had in the past. I think taking care of things for others is akin to unravelling a knot, don't you? I am the same as you in that regard.
I find that stepping back and letting others handle things for themselves, where I might have stepped in and taken over in the past is very freeing. I am doing it in all of my relationships. I think it happened by accident. I was just to upset by my circumstances and did not have the energy to be so controlling. I will say that is has been a happy accident.
Hi Veronica...going to take a while to get used to that...
The knot/taking care of others parallel is just what I was thinking...and the biggest tangle of my life is the one I've been extricating myself from now for a few months...though at first I was simply making more knots without even realizing it.
Again - what you came to by accident - by following your gut again - is so very fortunate...I've been thinking of detaching and untangling as the main gift I've given myself this holiday/year.
How am I doing today? That's a tough question to answer...I'm sad - but not depressed - sad partly because I had a conversation with my brother last night - he came up with his three kids - and, well, as with me and my sister, his marriage is a mess...though possibly worse than mine. He told me straight out that he's just staying together for the kids - but he is not happy at all...it was very sad to have confirmed - since I had suspected it in the past...Add to that the fact that my father isn't here, and that my sister is away - and that my mother is just a bit wacky...and it gets a bit tough to be here...But I'm going to make the most of it...taking my mom and son out to lunch now - to a favorite place that has the absolute best chocolate milk shake in the world...I am not kidding.
As for thoughts of my W...when I called last night, she handed the phone to baby and didn't even talk with him - and then baby hung up...it was after that that she called back but left no message...I just don't feel any connection to her anymore. She's become a stranger to me in such a profound way - that I don't even think of her as the same person that inhabits my happy memories.
My S11 and I are heading to my father's house tonight - at my father's request - to see his family - and have his wife and daughter see my S11...we're then coming back to my mom's to celebrate the traditional Peruvian way - with a meal at midnight and then the opening of some presents...
From what I have read in all of your posts, it seems your wife is a stranger to herself, too. I think that is what causes so much strife for them and then for us. Imagine not recognizing yourself but being able to see that others, loved ones have expectations of you based on how they recognize you. That is how I imagine it. It helps me let go of my expectations.
I spent weeks, if not months telling H I did not recognize him. Then it finally occurred to me that he probably did not recognize himself either.
I get such a sense of strength from you in what you write. Obviously you are a very good writer, but it is more than that. There is a message beyond the words. If it is coming across a bulletin board, I feel pretty sure it is coming across in person. That can only help you, your boys and even your wife.
I like the Peruvian tradition. The Belgian tradition is similar. I have been trying to keep myself distracted, avoiding ghosts of Christmases past (please excuse the blatant plagiarism). Clearly, this Christmas is very different.
V, The milkshake was fantastic...and my S11's eyes almost popped out of his head when he took his first sip...the sandwiches were wonderful too - if anyone ever makes it to Cleveland, I highly, highly recommend a stop at Tommy's in Coventry.
Thank you, V, it means a lot to get positive feedback here - since it's probably where I've been most open about my sitch. I do feel stronger than I did just a month ago - and I know that I have to be - and I am also realizing how that feeling of self-confidence also lets me experience more of the emotions associated with what's happening.
You're so very right about my W being a stranger to herself as well...early on I think it was worse - then again, she may still be a stranger to herself and I just would not know it because I don't talk with her at all.
I was reading through Smart Cookie's post last night - and it really struck me where she wrote the one should not leave a M when angry - since it's almost certain that one will just repeat the same mistakes again the next time around...Our MC said this to my W and me...I think others have mentioned it to my W - but I don't think she's in a place where she can hear it - or value that type of advice.
My older boy and I are going to my father's house tonight. He won't be there - but we'll get a chance to see his wife and daughter...oddly enough, when I was 14 my father and his wife separated (just after their daughter was born) - and they stayed apart for four years...and got back together only after I left for college. While I lived with my father he was in a very dark place - very abusive man then who drank a lot - going through this now, I can see how much turmoil he must have been in at the prospect of a second failed marriage - it doesn't excuse how he was toward me then (or toward my brother and sister) - but I can see that he was in much more personal pain than I could have understood...and he just never let me know about it...
When my father came to visit me a few months ago, he told me that his wife believed he loved me more than he loved their daughter - and that was part of the reason they separated...he wondered then if that was part of the problem my W is having - the belief that I love my S11 more than I love my S2...sure enough...two weeks after he asked me about that...she accused me of not caring about S2 and only loving S11...she even said my love for my S11 was not normal...
Anyway...all that drama aside, I like my father's Wife and have only recently grown closer to their daughter (my sister). My siblings and I have never felt like an integrated part of their holiday celebrations - partly because we were the only ones with black hair in a household filled with dozens of blond men, women and children - but also because they had a family culture that was just never part of our upbringing - my father had assimilated to it - but we were never had. Either way, though, I'm curious to see how my father's W will react to seeing me and my S11...and I'm looking forward to having my S11 see more kids to play with over there...oh...btw...within her family I am described as the eccentric writer that lives in Los Angeles...it's funny to me - since I think of my life as pretty conventional...it may just be because I had a Mohawk when I was in high school...ah...my Gothic punk days...I wonder how my boys will try to rebel...
You really have an amazing insight. So much knowledge of yourself and you use it is such positive ways.
The parallels you mention are pretty astonishing. Reading about your step-mother's jealousy and that of your wife regarding your respective love for your first children as opposed to your second children smacks to me of displaced jealousy. You know, more like "you love the motherthe woman who gave you the first child more than you love me." That's not your void to fill. Self-love and self-respect we must give ourselves.
I knew you were a kindred spirit. I had burgundy hair and bangs that stood stright up in high school and I was pretty out there in college. I am the family eccentric, too. And now I am a lawyer. How did that happen?
...I just came up to turn off a light and noticed I had left the computer on...funny you should mention college - my S11 just saw a picture of me from college in my mom's bedroom - long hair and beard...I was in my caveman phase...off to my father's soon.
Though I'll most likely check in again tonight, I hope you have a wonderful day with your H tomorrow - and that you manage to keep all the expectations in check...he's certainly feeling safe with you - and that is such a gift to him.
To anyone else that's checking in tonight - let's not forget the precious gift we've gotten from this board - a rare community of exceptional people that are determined to improve themselves - keeping company with the people here has enriched my life - and I thank all of you so very much.
Thank you for the kind words. I will do my very best to keep those expectations out of the picture. I hope you are right and that he is feeling safe with me.
You are so right about the wonderful gift of this place. We are surrounded by caring supporting people.
I will likely be on the boards again tonight and certainly this weekend.
HealthyDad - I can't agree more about the people on this site. I was on another site for the last 6 months... The other place has a lot of scorned people who use a 2x4 to tell you to move on, kick spouse to curb, date other people like spouse is doing, and very vivid views on how aweful my W's affair will destroy my D3 - scary views there. Makes you nearly agree after being slapped silly over there.
But not here. Yes here people reinforce GALing and DBing. Offering kind words to help cope, encouraging friendly interactions with spouse, while allowing you to tell WAS that you strongly disagree with their life changing choices, and seeing that some happy endings or at least piecing are possible.
Merry Christmas to you.
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3 T:7.5/M:4 D Day: 1/24/08 Legal Separated: 6/12/08 BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08 Suspect BF pre-dates D Day
The positive attitude here means a lot to me - especially since it encourages changes in our lives for the right reasons - and never out of spite or anger.
VV - did you end up celebrating tonight?
I ended up with a huge surprise tonight - since it turned out that my father had flown back into town and was there in his house tonight when my S11 and I went by...my son told me it was the first time he had ever seen my cry for joy with anyone other than him...it really did mean a hell of a lot to me to see my dad tonight...it was just wonderful...
It was also nice to be around his family - since they're more like friends to me than family - and I tend to see them just once every year or two...My father's SIL commented on how good she thought I looked - telling me that I looked very happy and healthy and had a great haircut...I thought it was very sweet of her to say these things - and imagined it came from her own recent experience of having ended her marriage just a few years ago (she's now happily remarried). When her marriage fell apart, she lost a lot of weight and really improved herself - and I think she was kind of letting me know that she understood what I was going through by focusing on some positives...it was very sweet of her...
While at my father's I also found myself growing even further away from my W...realizing just how easy it is for me to be happy (happier?) without her...I expected to think about her a lot while I was there...but she hardly came to mind at all - other than when my sister or my father's wife asked me about how I was doing...everyone there is still very surprised at what happened - and I think it's just because I never once, in the ten years we were together, told anyone else in my family about my W's abusive side...I just focused on her wonderful side - the best of her - which is what she always presented around my father and his family...around my mom she wasn't so "ideal" - maybe because she respects my mom less, maybe because my mom has a way of pushing people's buttons...I don't know...but there were times when my mom caught glimpses of my W's anger and her irrational attitude toward my S11 - and she only just recently stopped trying to bring it up all the time - after I had asked her to stop being so negative about my W...since there is much more to her as a person than just her pain and the anger that comes from that pain...I know my wife is suffering...I just also accept the fact that I cannot help her and that I cannot live with her anger and animosity.
But I really don't want to write about my W much...since she wasn't on my mind that much today at all...what I do want to share is something my S11 said as we were driving from my father's back to my mother's house - out of the blue, my S11 said, "I have a beautiful life." And went on to tell me about how much love he feels all around him - from his mom and her family to me and my family - and then he told me that he felt like I wasn't a dad like other dads because he could talk with me about anything and that I had helped him get through some really tough things lately and still be very happy...on top of my father being here...hearing my son say these things made it one of the best Christmases of my life...something I never thought I would have written when I looked toward this trip at the beginning of November, just after my W moved out...My life has changed in a huge way, and I am grateful.
