I don't understand 'do something different' theory. Are we supposed to do this for ourselves? Or are we supposed to do this to try to save our marriages? It's the same with Divorce Busting..the words indicate that it's possible to 'bust' the divorce...and Divorce Remedy indicates that there is a 'remedy'.
I have been a member of this community for 2 full years now and have found incredible love and support from many posters.
Yet, I still don't understand the theories completely...and I keep wondering how they actually apply to SAVING a marriage.
I have a PMA and I have more than GAL in all this time. My H has seen the changes, and am sure is happy with who I have become, but has it changed his mind?....has it brought him closer?...does this mean that our divorce will be busted?...
NO.
I don't think so...so I feel a bit silly...having read all I could and done all I could..yet still living alone with my kids whilst my H is living with his younger ow.
I know the book says that not all cases are restored, but I'm starting to get the feeling that only SOME cases make a chance to get restored. It makes me sad, to have come here so hopeful and thrilled for having found a possible healthy way to heal our marriage. Yet I have not only been disappointed in my marriage, but also in myself for having believed that there may have been a solution to be found here...
I don't mean to be critical, as I have found great warmth here amongst many friends...but I do long for more clarity about WHY we do all this...(from the books point of view, taking the title into account..) do we do it for US, or do we do things to save our marriage ?
And if it is that latter, then why is it, that in so many cases here it does not work ?? Is this because of MLC, something that isn't even truly accepted as an actual state of being?
I hope I haven't offended anyone, and that some things may become clearer for me from here...
Thanks xx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
hi ... I don't know which one will come first, a nervous breakdown or gaining 25 lbs.???
update:
1.) feel very stressed a.) stress and pms do not go well together b.) trying to manage my parents health and daily routine while I'm on vacation...should I feel grateful? c.) txt 'A' because I knew his mother was having back surgery today...told him my mother was having surgery tomorrow...feel empty even after he txt me back...I guess sometimes it is not what I imagined...I need reinforcement
2.) I feel that I have emotionally invested in this parental care relationship, and it is weighing heavy on my shoulders a.) I miss 'A'.
3.) I feel very alone a.) My roommate told me that I should just tell him what I need and what I want. b.) mmmm??? I don't think 'A' would respond well to that. If reasoning would have worked, it would have worked a long time ago. c.) Because everything is going so slowly, I'm not sure what works.
The most important thing to remember is that everyone's sitch is as different as the spouses are. What works for one person may not work for another, therefore the "try something different" method.
Think about it like taking medication. You have certain symptoms, so your doctor prescribes a pill for them. The pill helps stop one symptom but not others. So he prescribes you a different one. This time two symptoms are gone.
It's the constant trial and error to find out the right pill that will cure all the symptoms is what DBing is all about.
And sometimes sadly, no matter how much we try to find the right combination, nothing seems to work because our spouses are as stubborn as the ebola virus!
That's where the GALing and PMAs help you. The confidence you get from that will help you whether or not you're successful at "curing" your spouse.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks for responding. I don't think the answers are black or white. I think we do this to save our marriages and build a stronger self...both.
My H and I are divorced. I don't know why he left...he said all words to me, verbatum, as stated in DB. I was shocked, and then he didn't talk to me until I signed the papers. I tried to call or email him a couple of times, but there was silence. All I know is that as much as it hurts sometimes, I believe we will be reconciled.
From the worst scenerio, I keep reminding myself of the goals I wanted to achieve, as tiny as they were. For instance, one was to simply respond to my emails. He did. When it happened, the single sentence made me sob. The next was to respond to my email with kindness. Then, I received an email with a whole paragraph. Again, I sobbed. The emails got better and now he is initiating phone calls every couple of weeks. Does it still hurt emotionally? Am I happy with who I am? Am I still working on the process? Yes, and I will take this over one year ago.
This is my choice and my belief and my wait. I have looked for the smallest positive ques from him--a longer glance, a kiss on my lips, he's looked for me, he asks me questions, he wants to know how I am. I know that I have to be light and fun with him whenever we talk or we see each other. I trust that I know him.
I use this site to journal and express my feelings. It helps me vent and understand myself and look for any patterns.
I wonder if there is anything your husband is doing/behaving or expressing to you now that he couldn't awhile ago. I wonder if there has been any positive pattern changes between you two.
The smallest thing he does I hold onto as if it were gold. I always try to get off the phone or say good-bye first, now he tries to keep me on the phone to talk longer. I try to 'act as if' when I don't feel like it. I hate that, but I feel a sense of respect from him and for myself when I do it. I do this because I believe in marriage.
My marriage was busted legally, but it is just a piece of paper that hasn't really changed anything. Are we closer today than we were a year ago? Yes. I intend that we will get/be even closer in the next year to come. I intend it. Will it be difficult? You know the answer to that.
In the meantime, life goes on with its ups and downs. I have enjoyed watching myself grow and strengthen and respond to it all. I enjoy knowing that I don't need my H to build my life independently. I enjoy receiving love from God, family, and friends. He lives his life with its struggles, and I do the same. I am still...patiently watching and making my small attainable goals. When they are attained, it is good for him and for me. I will take them, and I celebrate. Guess what? I feel better about myself. Then, I have the strength to continue to renew. As tough as it is, at the end of the day and even after my tears, I will choose to intend and to believe that our restoration is commencing.
The image of the slow turtle winning the race has become a very heroic character in my life.
1.) At work, I called him to tell him that his blinds were in the store. a.) He sounded happy. He asked me how my Mom is? I gave him some idea of how my parents last few months have been. I think he got the idea that I am determined to be positive and strong. b.) We talked a little bit about my brother. I stopped the direction of the conversation because I felt it was getting too negative. I made a light hearted joke. (my style and his)
2.) I told him that when he wants to come and get the blinds to ask for the order under my name. I think he was thrown off. a.) He said he was coming in on Sunday. b.) My response: I'm going to be off Sunday, but you can still ask for the order under my name. (so unlike me...I think he expect me to be available for him) c.) He seemed to be tripped up with his thoughts and words. He seemed thrown off with my unexpected response. 'uhm, ok, well, maybe, well, we can, I have to pick them up on Sunday.
3.) His response somehow gave me confidence. 4.) We said our good-byes, and I actually had the confidence to say, 'Big Hug'. a.) He laughed and said, 'Thank you, jojo'.
5.) I miss him truly.
6.) I hope to hear from him on or before Christmas. If I don't hear from him,...?
1.) Practing discipline 'going dark' 2.) Knowing what is important to me and standing by it 3.) Being grateful for my parents and showing appreciation for it 4.) Loving them as they loved me 5.) A quiet day to take care and rest 6.) Knowing that I won't throw in the towel 7.) Feeling grateful that 'A' and I have moved forward a.) No matter what steps we have taken, it is still closer to the ultimate goal...I will take it. 8.) Remembering not to test God this Christmas 9.) Feeling more trust in the behavior of 'A' 10.) Still thinking of a potential conversation, but only thoughts for now. 11.) Prayerfully still and hopeful.
Balancing 'retreating' with 'reacting to his pursuit' is a learning experience. I am determined to overcome the challenge of the behavioral change. It is a battle that I think I am winning.
I am so happy that this year 'A' did call to wish me a Merry Christmas. I loved hearing his message when I got out of work. It is very small, but I am so grateful for it.
When he does pursue, I love that feeling that I can relax and I can let him retreat. I hope that I show it in my behavior to him.
Hi ... the 'missing' begins again. It has been four days since he left his 'merry christmas' message. The need to have him call me is an ache in my stomach again. All of my questions and doubts turn me upside down. I forget for an awhile, but when it is quiet, I turn around and realize that we don't go home to each other anymore.
A co-worker told me that she met him when he came into the store the other day. She asked me if he was ok to me again, and she asked me if I thought I was better off now. I told her, 'no'. 1.) I am glad that he is talking to me now. 2.) I'd rather be married to him. I enjoyed being married to him.
Am I better off? I don't think I'm better off. I always try to be better, no matter what. What a strange question?
Hi . . . I want to do things to promote my relationship with 'A' the DBing way. Right when I think things are about to change, so little may happen that it feels like nothing has changed. It seems stupid to be happy over little crumbs just so I 'feel' better.
I'm still 'going dark'. I feel like I'm invisible and disappeared. I got the call Christmas Eve. Ok ... 'happy, happy, joy, joy'. I guess I expected to get a call New Year's Eve or Day, as well. So, I'm disappointed and a little sad.
My energy is almost depleted just because I've been taking care of both of my parents. My Mom has to have another operation on Tuesday, but I'm glad my Dad is doing a lot better. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents, and it is my pleasure to be here with them. However, I miss the comfort and security from being around 'A'. I miss his encouragement.
Sometimes, I think that 'A' has turned another corner. As I analyze his christmas message, he included my parents. There was something to that. Not only did he call me this year, but he also wanted me to send a message to my parents. Maybe he just doesn't want to feel guilty anymore. I'm not sure what to make of it. I guess we'll have to see.
I can't wait to talk to him again. I can't talk to my mother. She has been out of it for a couple of weeks. My friend, 'K', seems a little sick of me. I have noone to talk to about 'A'. No man is an island.
How are you dear JJ? Right now, as you look back on Christmas Eve and New Year's, how are you doing? And any contact since you wrote this a few days ago?
It sounds as if you've really kept up with your friendly distancing. I think there was a time when this would have seemed almost impossible. So, you seem to have worked hard on your goal for some inner strength and more confidence. And the conversation about the blinds seems like it was really good.
And how is your mom? It sounds as if the last two weeks have been difficult. As I read your comments about A mentioning your parents, I agree that it is hard to know what exactly that means. It could mean he just doesn't want to feel guilty or is it possible that he feels safer talking with you, therefore safer talking about your parents? I admit, I do not know.
JJ - just wondering - do you still have a support system from your faith community?
My hugs are not as good as yours, but "big hug"! :o)
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
