Making my own good karma!!

[25yearsmlc]

Right back at you SC,

one tiny question? Why make any appointments for him? At all? See, that is pushing him towards recon, even if you call it something else. You are still trying to control outcomes...you can't. You do it more than you realize. Thru the kids as well. Again, FORGET ABOUT THE "PLANS"....

take your pain and Give it up to God, b/c all you can is to do your best and turn over the results to the One above. Stop doing the appointments, just keep your own if you want. What is there to discuss as a couple, if he can't even say he wants to be M? Your son? Seriously, you guys need a c appt to talk about your son?

Well, schedule a meeting now and then for that, if you must. But most of that could be done in IC as well. I think you're looking for excuses for contact and THAT IS A FORM OF PRESSURE and the thing is, if YOU"D stop pushing for contact, stop making excuses for being together "working on the dream house" or driving somewhere and getting out of the snow, blah blah blah, it'd force h to do some of the contacting....Let HIM call son, or d24 or you. Let Go. Don't call it "impatience" b/c it's more than that. It's a lot of control, and fear and pressure and it's sooo NOT detaching or letting go.

Recall that idea of letting the WAS's inner voice, or conscience trying to get thru to them from within? But they're drowned out by the LBSer's pressure, forced contacts, questions, R temperature taking, hyperanalyzing, 'Why", 'HOW?" etc =questions that are designed to make the hearer of them defensive. My DB coach said to ask NO questions with the word "WHY" in them, as it would trigger anger from h and right or wrong, it was accurate. Think about it. "Why did you do this? Why don't you do this?" Those are not questions that are going to make h feel good.

So, for your h to "hear" anything like a doubt within, you have to be so silent with your words and actions. Read NOTHING into a hug and treat it as nothing more than a gesture of warmth. Don't read anything bad into it either. It was a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Period. Not good, not bad...nothing. Okay, it WAS Better than a slap...but you get my point. Can you do the "Stop Sign" visual when you start wondering about negative things so you just STOP IT! and change the topic in your mind? It's helpful to a lot of people around here, esp if there are OPs in the picture. Guess what I'm saying is that I believe where the head goes, the heart will follow. Your head is getting you where you need to go/be, and now you have to come up with some sort of "exercises" that help your heart get in alignment.

You can do this. Maybe your h will come back and there are reasons to hope for that. But for YOU, hope seems to prevent you from GAL, so that's why I'm hitting you with the 2x4 so much.

The trip I mentioned taking, (hey NO ONE has the money these days...but still) could be a nice thing for your son and d. Do they get along? Can they ski or snowboard or on a smaller scale, see an opera or live theater? I say that because it's more engaging and mentally demanding than movies at home and it can set up a nice little "tradition" for you. I think I mentioned the ski trip we took our first Christmas apart. Scary and all, but a blast. Maybe your s17 could bring a friend? Anyhow, the next Christmas d11 said we needed to plan a trip there since "We always go skiing after Christmas!"
I love that it took ONE time to make it a "tradition"...you can make one of your own too. Also, seeing "Christmas Story" is great too. Oh, a mistake I made which my d19 (then 16) noticed, was in renting movies "with a message".... she said, "Mom, that's a nice movie for YOU and all, but if you think Dad's going to 'get it' from a movie, you're just going to be disappointed..." She was right on. I was manipulating and also, really unrealistic. Did I expect him to slap his forehead and say "OMG! NOW I SEE THE LIGHT!!" You know, at some level I guess I was hoping that was going to happen.

So, since my d could see through that I was a little embarrassed. Your son is the same age she was and he'll notice gestures like that too. Anytime you hug your h your son will see it as a way for you to stick out your neck and get it hacked off. Don't let HIM see you set yourself up, by not doing it at all. I mean, if you hug as a courtesy, then make sure you pull back first, End conversations first, don't call unless you truly must and always keep it short. Be the one who has to go since you are just so darn busy GAL...bet it'd be a 180? Do lots of the 180's, for your son to see as well. CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER...

DETACH....it's a tough one....but mandatory. And when you are able to do it, even if just for the next 48 hours, it is so freeing... SO, for the next 48 hours, detach, stay calm, and be content. Show your love for your children and that no matter what, YOU will always be there for them, and that yes, their dad DOES love them no matter what confusion he is now experiencing about other life choices....

Good luck, and glad you have a sense of humor. Got to, or you'll never get through this. There was a woman named baseballannie I have to read her old posts. She's one of many hilarious people on this board... introduced me to the "aliens" that take over MLCers and the spew that comes out at times. I did ask my h to get a CAT scan more than once...seriously. That's how out of character he seemed. As he was, then, wasn't alright. If that becomes the man he is now, or if he changed into that guy permanently, NO THANKS...so for now, accept that the man you are seeing and dealing with is NOT a man you want a life with anyhow.

I also had someone tell me it's like a hard puzzle the MLCer has to solve all by himself. We want to lean over their shoulders to tell them where to put the pieces, but this is a puzzle ONLY THEY can solve, and when we interfere, accuse or point out a way, or try to do it for them, they have to start all over. So back off.

Give the "real" guy in there the space and time to discover who he really is, wants to be, and what his life should look like. Let him find the love he still has, though it may be buried under a ton of anger and shame and guilt. Guilt and shame do NOT bring WASs back, by the way. So, take care of yourself and move forward and see what the new year brings... be a woman only a fool would leave...which is not a clingy panicking woman, or a needy woman, or an angry bitter woman, or a woman who brings up and holds a guy to a comment from 10 years ago about a house...

Who is that woman? She's a woman who has faced a serious heart break with dignity and self respect and a calm strength. A woman of substance, who knows her true worth, and will get it from the man in her life, or not have that man in her life...and who's son will see this and therefore will treat HIS woman/wife someday, with that exact type of respect.

Merry Christmas,
(( j ))