Hey, Tawnya, send some of that PMA my way, huh? I've been fine all day, but now I'm starting to feel that familiar anxiety, as I think about H and OW celebrating Christmas together (whenever they're doing that, as I don't have that info).
Also, H had told me the other day not to look at the details on the checking account until after Christmas, because I would ruin my Christmas if I did (this has been standard procedure for us every year). But then this afternoon, he said he hadn't bought anything for me yet. That weirded me out, and I'm about to go look at the checking account...should I, or shouldn't I? I know I shouldn't, but I'm wondering, WTH? Has he bought me something yet or not?
It's also killing me thinking about what he might have gotten for OW, and her kids. And how much he spent. I'm sure he paid cash for whatever he bought, so I'll probably never know, and I probably don't WANT to know, but it's bothering me, nonetheless.
I'm also wondering when he's going to see her. Today, I asked him specifically to tell me if/when he will need to leave tomorrow (he's coming over here to "do" Christmas with me and the kids, and his mom). Just so that I would know, and he didn't have to play the "looking at the watch" game, and trying to come up with some story to tell me in order to get out the door. He said, "I don't have anywhere I need to be tomorrow." We'll see. A few days ago he said, "I don't have to spend the whole DAY with you guys...", so whatever.
I don't know why I let this stuff get to me. I have NO WAY of knowing what he's really doing, even if he "tells" me, cuz how do I know he's telling the truth. He keeps saying he has no reason to lie to me, his R with OW isn't a secret, but I can't trust him right now. I want so badly to be able to, but that's going to take time, and it's going to take him breaking it off with OW, and I just don't know if that's going to happen, at all.
I keep trying to tell myself, "Water off a duck's back. Detach. Appreciate what he does give you (time, hugs, etc.). No expectations. Respect his needs. Validate. Love him enough to let him own his choices. NO R or OW talk. Just get through THIS day. You don't know what tomorrow will bring. Stay positive."
And even with all that "self-talk", I'm still feeling all this anxiety.
Didn't mean to hijack, Tawnya! It's just that I don't have my own thread yet, and I don't feel comfortable yet starting one. I still feel like I need to "hide out" a little longer. And I thought the "PMA Queen" would have some practical advice for me about how to deal with the anxiety, and all these negative and bothersome thoughts. I KNOW I should not allow these thoughts to stay in my mind long, nor allow them to bother me. I just don't know HOW to do it!
Merry Christmas Tawnya! I hope you have a wonderful day!
