Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, ((((((25)))))), you made me laugh several times with your post, and I can't thank you enough!! I soooo NEEDED that!

And, no, H is not much of an actor, really! This is a guy who was raised with 7 brothers and sisters in a very poor family. This is a family that, when they play cards, they argue in between every hand! So, while he will "tap dance" around certain subjects to avoid conflict, he is by no means above letting people know it when he really feels strongly about something. The weird thing is that he truly believes his own BS, I think!

Sometimes I really get the impression that he knows he's "f'd up". In fact he has said so on occaision. Several years back on our anniversary, H made me a card that said "When you thought I didn't listen, I heard. When you thought I didn't understand, I tried. When you thought I didn't care, I did. Thank you for having the strength and perserverence to keep pushing until the understanding dawned and the caring showed through. I love you more each day." [H has told me since that that card came from his head and not his heart. He was proud of himself because he knew that I liked that crap, but he didn't really feel those things.]

Looking back, I know that I have actually been very pushy with H. He is so stubborn and I am so impatient that that is the dynamic we fell into. I now know that he is someone who needs time to mull over things and come to his own conclusions about stuff. And I need to learn to shut up, and not worry so freakin' much. If he is indeed the man that I think he is, or thought he was, then he will eventually figure himself out. Again I only hope that if/when that happens, he finds it in himself to be willing to re-build our M.

What I have to do is be willing to trust that he will figure out what he wants to be happy, and if that is not me, I have to love him enough to accept that. That's a hard one, because it breaks my heart! I have reached a point where know that I will be OK no matter what happens. Now I need to get to the point where I know I will not only be OK, but be happy! I'm not there yet. But I do really want to get there. I hope that once I am in my own place and not "holding down the fort" as it were, that I will find more things I like about being in my own space.

H actually came and got me from work today and brought me home today so he could pull my car out of the ditch. We are interacting pretty well really. There does seem to be some detatchment but cordiality there now that is a pleasant change from the tension that was there when we were in MC a couple weeks ago. He even gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before he left, although I know he did that because tomorrow is X-mas and he knows how sentimental I am, rather than any real desire to do so on his side.

One other interesting thing.... I have always made the apointments for each month with our C, so I asked H if he wanted me to do so again for January, or if he wanted to do so on his own. He was OK with me doing it, so I did. So, it's a good thing that he is still going on his own. That tells me that he is at least trying to do some real self analysis, and that can be nothing but good, I think.

Of course, I am still going to IC, as is our S17 as well. I've always thought that success was in doing, not the desired goal itself. So long as you haven't quit altogether, you have not failed in a given endeavor. This philosophy has served me well in the past in getting what I want, but it's also part of why I have a problem with letting go when I should! However, if I turn that around and look at my H's actions, rather than his words, it does at least seem that he has completely given up all possibility of future reconciliation yet. But, that's probably still my denial.........

What can I say, I'm a work in progress!!

Thanks again for your support, 25! It is really appreciated!!

Happy Holidays to you and yours!