V, The milkshake was fantastic...and my S11's eyes almost popped out of his head when he took his first sip...the sandwiches were wonderful too - if anyone ever makes it to Cleveland, I highly, highly recommend a stop at Tommy's in Coventry.
Thank you, V, it means a lot to get positive feedback here - since it's probably where I've been most open about my sitch. I do feel stronger than I did just a month ago - and I know that I have to be - and I am also realizing how that feeling of self-confidence also lets me experience more of the emotions associated with what's happening.
You're so very right about my W being a stranger to herself as well...early on I think it was worse - then again, she may still be a stranger to herself and I just would not know it because I don't talk with her at all.
I was reading through Smart Cookie's post last night - and it really struck me where she wrote the one should not leave a M when angry - since it's almost certain that one will just repeat the same mistakes again the next time around...Our MC said this to my W and me...I think others have mentioned it to my W - but I don't think she's in a place where she can hear it - or value that type of advice.
My older boy and I are going to my father's house tonight. He won't be there - but we'll get a chance to see his wife and daughter...oddly enough, when I was 14 my father and his wife separated (just after their daughter was born) - and they stayed apart for four years...and got back together only after I left for college. While I lived with my father he was in a very dark place - very abusive man then who drank a lot - going through this now, I can see how much turmoil he must have been in at the prospect of a second failed marriage - it doesn't excuse how he was toward me then (or toward my brother and sister) - but I can see that he was in much more personal pain than I could have understood...and he just never let me know about it...
When my father came to visit me a few months ago, he told me that his wife believed he loved me more than he loved their daughter - and that was part of the reason they separated...he wondered then if that was part of the problem my W is having - the belief that I love my S11 more than I love my S2...sure enough...two weeks after he asked me about that...she accused me of not caring about S2 and only loving S11...she even said my love for my S11 was not normal...
Anyway...all that drama aside, I like my father's Wife and have only recently grown closer to their daughter (my sister). My siblings and I have never felt like an integrated part of their holiday celebrations - partly because we were the only ones with black hair in a household filled with dozens of blond men, women and children - but also because they had a family culture that was just never part of our upbringing - my father had assimilated to it - but we were never had. Either way, though, I'm curious to see how my father's W will react to seeing me and my S11...and I'm looking forward to having my S11 see more kids to play with over there...oh...btw...within her family I am described as the eccentric writer that lives in Los Angeles...it's funny to me - since I think of my life as pretty conventional...it may just be because I had a Mohawk when I was in high school...ah...my Gothic punk days...I wonder how my boys will try to rebel...
