Making my own good karma!!

[25yearsmlc]

Dear SC,

first, the bone analogy is true for many bones for the re-healing creates excess calcification, so there's extra "glue" or duct tape or whatever metaphor helps you see this. And for the record, one reason I am able to trust more, and it's part of forgiving, is that i KNOW I won't go through this again. The time apart has used up my abililty to re-do it, so h knows this. It's not a threat, but I think true DBing for a long MLC can only happen once in a M, FOR ME... Life will give us other problems like the death of loved ones, etc. But to have h go back into a tunnel is frightening, but not "life threatening" the way it once was. I came make it with or without h and feel that quite confidently. I would not have known that if he hadn't gone through this ugly stuff....anyway...

In your sitch, forget about what you think the "plans" were. They are irrelevant now. Make new plans or you'll get bogged down in the past and the lost dreams of the future. Ignore what he says and half of what he does, as the MLCers folks tell us.

Your h has said some things that are good and some things not so good. He has DONE a lot of things that suggest he is not willing to be m right now, and he has gotten the taste of the single life without the downside. This "time off" seemed to be a way of delaying consequences and maybe easing your pressure as well as letting him dip his toe in the water to test things, knowing you'd still be there waiting if he wanted back in...sorry, but it sure looks that way to me. Doesn't mean he won't awaken some day, but I sure don't see the endless counselling and living apart and yet somehow YOU "planning" on a reconciliation. It looks like a pre-div to me, or a trial separation which is usually a waters testing thing for the WAS...

Glad he's trying to help d24 and if you do divorce, please make arrangements for mutual sharing of responsibility if she ends up disabled or on social security.

As to your son--there's obvious sadness since you feel it means your son has given up on your m. But you know what? Your m as it is today, SHOULD END...maybe it'll get better like the others who reconcile and are not the same. When my h and I start to go down the old tunnels, I am getting back out of them faster. What we have now, is better than it was before. NOT perfect, and I'll never say we "are there", if you know what I mean. But the old patterns are not as strong and some are gone.

But your desire (it's a common one for LBSers) to have your h see your marital history the same way is a waste of time and energy. They cannot or will not. Even good people don't remember the same things the same way. That's why honest witnesses disagree at the scene of an accident. But in marital issues when one party feels victimized and the other feels guilt, I've never heard of identical versions of their history. Seeing Your past the same way does not matter but seeing your future does. Create it.

What's great about your son suggesting OM for you, is that he cares for your happiness and more important, he can SEE the goodness in the friend so he knows what a good guy looks like. Maybe down the road your h will be that man again, or maybe someone else will be, AND OR maybe you'll be just fine without a man in your life. At least for now.

I have a dear friend who died unexpectedly last year (aneuryism) with 4 kids age 7 to 13. Her h was/is a great guy, and great looking as well. He is not ready to date as he said he "has nothing to give yet, since he can barely love his children enough to make up for the loss of their mother, etc." It has been 14 months now. I think he's so mature and self aware. He's at peace for now (though still grieving of course) to "just be" with his children, and to start traditions of happiness and playfulness that make them laugh, even though their beloved mother is gone. I was there the day she died, so suddenly. I'll never forget those 4 kids waking up to learn she had died in the night...

There are a lot of parents out there without partners raising the kids. Doing their best. Your son will remember this and please, set up some decent boundaries with your h and enforce them. It is not punitive to do that. He shouldn't have a key, for example.

FWIW, and I'm no expert, but I think you're wasting your time trying to "get your h to look in the mirror" b/c what you really want is an official declaration that he's wrong and you're right. Or promises he cannot/will not make or keep. Warts and all, you really want him to take responsibility for ending the M but who cares if he does or doesn't? What does it change?

And what insight on HIS part, IF he has one and IF he shares it with you, will protect you from future damage? It won't. It seems to have a certain appeal, I agree. You want to know your perceptions of life aren't crazy and that it was real, at least for awhile.

It was. You are not insane to have thought that the day your kids were born was a happy time, or your honeymoon or whatever. Ignore the idiot comments your h makes to the contrary. He's justifying/vilifying/rationalizing.....and revising.

I mean, Is your h the best actor in the world? Is he in the show biz industry? Has he been nominated for an Oscar for best acting in a drama? If he hasn't, then don't bother listening to the "I never loved you" crap. Even if it were true, says way more about him than you. Only an idiot would not know themselves well enough to lie to themselves and others for decades....He is doing the classic Marital Revision...pretty soon he'll tell you he's been faking (call SAG to nominate him, NOW!) all these years, just pretending.... AND OR that every career snag or problem he's had was your fault/kids' fault/ someone else's, etc. All those times you laughed together, he was secretly crying inside...??? please.....

You guys married relatively young and he's in the throes of wth? am I doing with my life? Lots of HS re-unions do this for a short time too. I just went to mine and it was like a time machine. What H? What kids? I'm 18 again... I actually wanted to dance with my HS bf to "our" song, which HS bf asked me to do (his w was there too....) anyhow, yes, I flirted for an hour or two and in an ideal hedonistic way, I'd have liked to kiss him....insane? Yes, and two of my bff who are also married (happily) said they wanted to do the same!! I can tell you despite our issues and struggles I have NEVER once thought, "gee, wish I'd married the HS bf instead..." he was just cute and when I was 17 , we had fun. So I recognized the time warp effect but your h hasn''t. And for some, it's an eye opener for feeling bad about their lives. I am "successful" and still M to the same man and he is a physician. So, even though no one from HS knows our trevails, on "paper" we are fine and didn't face any horrible self realizations. Geez, I felt great after mine, but I know at least 2 or 3 friends who feel they've underachieved (and one guy with his 3rd w, whose name I screwed up naturally...he seemed offended & I thought, "Geez, what'd you expect?" I was proud for recalling his 2nd w's name...he won for most married...guess he just believes in Marriage so much he keeps doing it)