Seeking advice on how to deal with outside child

[sandi2]

Hi, first of all, may I ask if you live in USA or in another country? (You don't have to say exactly where.) The reason I am asking is b/c I forget sometimes about other cultures being different from most of the ones where I come from. I was in a big way of telling another poster how a M cannot survive when both partners are having A's when I was scolded by a third party for being too harsh b/c she was from a different part of the world--where that is quite acceptable. I am not saying YOU are having an A, I am just asking if this is something you see as just part of life that M people have to deal with or is it not acceptable at all for you?

I tried to find your first thread, and if I did go to the right place, you found out after you M that the OW was pregnant, is that correct? So, the man that was to become your husband was already being unfaithful to you. And now he is with the OW, right? Just trying to get the big picture here. Do you want him to come back to live with you? Do you think you could ever trust him where OW is concerned? You know they will always have that special connection due to the baby, so she will never be out of your life. That is a lot to think about. If you cannot accept the child b/c he reminds you of the stitch and you won't be able to deal with the fact there will always be a connection between H and OW.......then you need to move on.

This is just my personal viewpoint based on my personality and beliefs, but he would have to do a lot of proving himself to me before I would even consider taking him back since he was unfaithful before the M and then kept the baby a secret. I don't know that he could ever be trust again, and especially where she is concerned. Unless she was to do something that totally made him turn against her, he will always have a special place in his heart for her. Plus the more "unforbidden" their love appears, the more attractive it is to them.

I for one, could not share my H with another woman. Again, that is just me. You have to decide what you can and can't do, what you will accept and what you will not. You have to ask yourself how much respect does he have for you to do this to you. How much self respect can you have for yourself to allow it to continue while he is with you? Will you allow him to eat cake, or tell him he has to choose? Right now, if you tell him he has to choose, he will more than likely choose the child and his mother. So, tread lightly. Think a long time before you decide which path to take. There are several ways you can approach this, but first, let me know if this is something you have grown up around and see it as being "acceptable". If not.....then we will go from there. If you think it is acceptable, then I won't know how to help you b/c I don't think a M can survive with more than two partners in it.

BTW, have you read the DR book?

Take care,
Sandi