Making my own good karma!!

[yellowrose]

SC

Thank you and have a Merry Christmas too!

Y

[25yearsmlc]

Although DB books say avoid ultimatums unless you're absolutely going to enfoce them, I think a lot of people are helped by deadlines at least internal ones. It gives them the light at the end of the tunnel of limbo. The WAS/MLCer does not need to be told this, b/c it's for you so, just know in your own heart how long you'll give 100% and then, you can decide at that point, whether you can go another round, or not. At least you'll know someday, it'll end for you and you'll be in a good place, with or without h.

Something to think about. ANd THINKING IT THRU--if your h is under the same roof you have a gift/curse. He gets to see your changes and GAL/PMA and you don't bring up R talk or initiate it AT ALL...and act as if...that's the good part. If you can create a home of warmth and support and FUN upbeat GAL with the kids or your extended family, it'll be that in his mind he'd also be leaving. But endless "talking" is like torture to the MLCers, and they'll flee it if they can. Back off big time. Let it be, for now.

The bad part is wanting to scream when he gets weird, but having to remain calm anyhow. SOmetimes my h would act sooo wacky or selfish, I'd take a shower and turn it over to God, out loud, like a 100 times. I got that from a Marianne Williamson book on Handling Fear or Return to Love. She's a bit new agey for many, but her books on forgiveness really helped me stay sane.

Merry Christmas, and good luck EVERYONE HERE!
j-

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, 25yrs.

Thank you so much for your such specific advice and encouragement, and the 2x4s, which I know are needed. I'll try to answer a few of your questions

Time Line:
-Our 25th anniversary was in Feb.
-H dropped the INLY bomb in March. He asked me to leave, which I did and stayed with my Mom for 5 days. Then he agreed to work on things so I moved back.
-I started IC, then upon request from C, H joined. After a couple of sessions together, H stopped and changed to IC.
-I did everything to make him happy, but he said it was too late and he didn't think he had anything to give. So, in late June, H moved into a small apartment.
-Mid July, I was having a very tough time emotionally. I saw seperation as a "temporary" break and that we would get back together and try again after a period of time (6 months), H saw it as a "mini-divorce". We talked and he agreed that after the 6 months (Christmas with just us and the kids at the dream house) we would get back together for at least 3 months, to "try again". [6 days after this talk, H sleeps with his secretary].
-Through the summer, H is spending all his time either working or up at dream house working to finish it. S17 is with H much of that time. They are best buds! They drink and smoke together and have a grand time, although S17 hates how H "works him to death" all the time. S17 asks to be included in C, so he starts.
-August, I have been making progress on my own understanding of what happened in the M and my part in it, and H's part. I start going to dream house on weekends with H and S17 to help with work. H and I become "friends with benefits". This is mostly at my instigation, thinking that it is one of the best things we have always had in our M, and a way to draw closer.
- Late August, I go on vacation with D24, my sister and mom. D24 tells me that S17 told her that H slept with OW. I call H and ask. He denies.
- September, H has high-school reunion which is supposed to "exercise demons". But it's anti-climactic. He wanted everyone to see how great he had turned out, but nobody remembered him and all they wanted to do was re-live high school days.
- October, H's sister dies of breast cancer. We (H, S17 & I) go to CA for funeral. This is a very tense time. I try to be supportive, but H is very reserved and stand-offish. I feel "alone in the crowd" and like this is going to be the last time I am with this family that I have called my own for 25+ years.
-After funeral, we fly home and H says he wants a month with no contact so he can think.
-November, we are supposed to try to start MC, with the idea that at year end we will be getting back together. H is "waffling". H's apartment gets "broke into" and H thinks it's S17 letting himself in and drinking and smoking H's cigars. S17 vehemently denies it, but H doesn't believe him. S17 is very upset at this "disrespect" when he has been keeping H's secrets, and it all comes pouring out. That H had told him that he slept with OW.......
-I tell H that he has no honor or integrity......he shows remorse and says he is sorry and he made mistake, but doesn't want to get back together. I tell him that what I want is the respect of his honesty. (i.e. time in C where issues that he has avoided are really looked at). What I want is to learn all I can learn from this so I don't make the same mistakes as I go forward. I would also like to know that he has taken a look in the mirror (I know that's not my problem, but that's what I wanted).
- So, we go back into MC. H says he wants divorce and thinks too much water under the damn, but agrees to spend time together to "see". Much of the time in C, we talk about S17 and his issues. For the next month we spend time together, but it's awkward and H is very withdrawn.
- 12/12/08 S17 goes with me to company X-mas party and likes a male co-worker of mine, and on the way home, starts telling me how I should be with somebody like that.....and S17 tells me that H never had intention of getting back together, or selling dream house as agreed...... S17 gets with D24 and they want to have group session with C to "attack" H and "bring out the monster" (i.e. the temper, rather than the calm, cool collected business man we think C has seen).
-12/15 H and I talk on the ferry home and he tells me he really doesn't love me. Probably never has. He used to sit on sub and think he didn't want to come home. I tell H that kids have things they want to say, because I don't think "ambush" is the best idea. So, H and I go home, and the kids speak their peace calmly and H listens and says he understands. Does not validate or refute.
-12/16 I start looking for an apartment for S17 and me.

Other facts:

- The plan for the past couple years while planning construction of dream house was to re-fi (either or both properties) upon completion and use equity in property to pay off other debt and construction costs. Also, historically I get a good bonus from where I work, which we would use to tide things over if necessary. We make a solid income, but can't afford a mortgage on our "main" home and mortgage on the dream home, plus rent for whichever one of us moves out.
- With real-estate market the way it is and economy is such a bad time, getting credit to re-fi may be very difficult, and sale of house probably won't bring what it's worth. I did get a good bonus, but have no idea if I will get any next year. I work in the financial services industry and these bonuses are NOT guaranteed.
- We are in a community property no fault state, so our debts and assets are split. It behooves me to try to maintain my own credit as best I can, so I don't have a problem with giving H the bigger chunk of my bonus to use toward making ends meet the next few months. I have paid my rent 6 months in advance, so I'm good there. Also, when H moved out in June, he did not take any of his income. It all still went into our joint account and I still took care of the bills. I have now given this all over to H to figure out (since he is the one that want to leave). I have told him will take care of my car, my student loans and my rent/living expenses from my money. I have gotten my own bank account and have my salary deposited there now.
- H was planning to get "roomate situation" here in Seattle closer to his work so he didn't have the commuting costs, and paid less rent, but there is so much work to do on the "main" house to get it ready for sale, H really should be there. He doesn't want to be there with me there, and I think getting my own space would be a good thing for me, so I told him I would be the one getting an apartment.
- H has not begrudged me anything really (although he wishes I took a cheaper apartment). He has said I can pretty much have any of the furniture I want and he will help me move and everything. He is also coming over this afternoon with our big truck to pull my car out of the ditch it's in due to the snow.
- The past week he has been very supportive, and I know this is because he feels less pressure now.
- I should also note that there are many issues in our family regarding D24, even to the extent that we have had to contact police in the past regarding her behavior. She is 24 and has no job, and spends her time split between our house and her boyfriends house. She does have difficulty getting people to give her a chance because of her "weirdness" due to HFA, but she has had jobs and lost them due to her behavior. We have helped her set herself up in a place of her own before. She ended up skipping out without notice and leaving the place a shambles which we had to pay because we cosigned. So, while there are legitimate reasons for D24's issues with H, he has done MANY things over the years to try to be a good dad for her and help her and she continues to blame him for all her woes. (Anybody but herself). So, my going to bat for H with her is somewhat necessary because the stuff she put on her blog was completely filthy and uncalled for.

Having said all that, I feel like I am getting a little better in detatchment, and I hope that moving into my new place will help that even more.

As for our C, he is great individually, and has helped me a lot with my self growth, and has done well with S17 too. The fact that H continues to go see this C on his own (IC) and has since April is a good thing I hope. It does get difficult because I have told C that he can share anything we talk about in our IC sessions as he sees fit. H, on the other hand, has not agreed the same, so C has to walk that fine line. C shares with me general feeling about where H is, but H does play his cards so very close to his chest, that C has said he has toyed with the idea of referring H to someone else to see if they have better luck. But, as I said, H keeps going on his own so perhaps he gets more out of it than we think.

Again, thank you so much for taking so much of your time to post to me and share your experience and advice. It helps me to know that others have gotten back together after significant time apart. That very well may not be the case with me, but it helps me feel a little more comfortable with the letting go a little more each day. I really appreciate that.

Take care, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Thinking.

Thanks for your post. Since I gave pretty much the "whole" story in my reply to "25years" above, I won't go into details of time here. But, I too definitely struggle with patience! It's my absolute biggest challenge!!!! I even got a tatoo on my shoulder of the Chinese Konji symbol for patience in hopes that it would help my karma in that direction (but I can't say that it's helped much).

I envy you that your H is still living in the home. On the other hand, I think it has been helpful for me and him that we are living apart (because, again, I have NO patience!). It's been 9 months since the first bomb for me, but it feels like a millenium!!

Just in the past week since the "talk" on the 15th, I have felt much more detatched and that is a very good feeling, although that's scary too. My sister tells me that it's a process and you have to go through it (can't go over it, can't go under it.....). You can't miss any steps either or you end up going back and doing it again. But, somebody here on the boards once told me that it's the broken bone that has been mended properly that is stronger than all the bone around the break. I try to hold onto those thoughts.

Oh, and look up "Chrldr" on the alt. I am the one with the really weird last name that looks like it's missing a few vowels.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear SC,

first, the bone analogy is true for many bones for the re-healing creates excess calcification, so there's extra "glue" or duct tape or whatever metaphor helps you see this. And for the record, one reason I am able to trust more, and it's part of forgiving, is that i KNOW I won't go through this again. The time apart has used up my abililty to re-do it, so h knows this. It's not a threat, but I think true DBing for a long MLC can only happen once in a M, FOR ME... Life will give us other problems like the death of loved ones, etc. But to have h go back into a tunnel is frightening, but not "life threatening" the way it once was. I came make it with or without h and feel that quite confidently. I would not have known that if he hadn't gone through this ugly stuff....anyway...

In your sitch, forget about what you think the "plans" were. They are irrelevant now. Make new plans or you'll get bogged down in the past and the lost dreams of the future. Ignore what he says and half of what he does, as the MLCers folks tell us.

Your h has said some things that are good and some things not so good. He has DONE a lot of things that suggest he is not willing to be m right now, and he has gotten the taste of the single life without the downside. This "time off" seemed to be a way of delaying consequences and maybe easing your pressure as well as letting him dip his toe in the water to test things, knowing you'd still be there waiting if he wanted back in...sorry, but it sure looks that way to me. Doesn't mean he won't awaken some day, but I sure don't see the endless counselling and living apart and yet somehow YOU "planning" on a reconciliation. It looks like a pre-div to me, or a trial separation which is usually a waters testing thing for the WAS...

Glad he's trying to help d24 and if you do divorce, please make arrangements for mutual sharing of responsibility if she ends up disabled or on social security.

As to your son--there's obvious sadness since you feel it means your son has given up on your m. But you know what? Your m as it is today, SHOULD END...maybe it'll get better like the others who reconcile and are not the same. When my h and I start to go down the old tunnels, I am getting back out of them faster. What we have now, is better than it was before. NOT perfect, and I'll never say we "are there", if you know what I mean. But the old patterns are not as strong and some are gone.

But your desire (it's a common one for LBSers) to have your h see your marital history the same way is a waste of time and energy. They cannot or will not. Even good people don't remember the same things the same way. That's why honest witnesses disagree at the scene of an accident. But in marital issues when one party feels victimized and the other feels guilt, I've never heard of identical versions of their history. Seeing Your past the same way does not matter but seeing your future does. Create it.

What's great about your son suggesting OM for you, is that he cares for your happiness and more important, he can SEE the goodness in the friend so he knows what a good guy looks like. Maybe down the road your h will be that man again, or maybe someone else will be, AND OR maybe you'll be just fine without a man in your life. At least for now.

I have a dear friend who died unexpectedly last year (aneuryism) with 4 kids age 7 to 13. Her h was/is a great guy, and great looking as well. He is not ready to date as he said he "has nothing to give yet, since he can barely love his children enough to make up for the loss of their mother, etc." It has been 14 months now. I think he's so mature and self aware. He's at peace for now (though still grieving of course) to "just be" with his children, and to start traditions of happiness and playfulness that make them laugh, even though their beloved mother is gone. I was there the day she died, so suddenly. I'll never forget those 4 kids waking up to learn she had died in the night...

There are a lot of parents out there without partners raising the kids. Doing their best. Your son will remember this and please, set up some decent boundaries with your h and enforce them. It is not punitive to do that. He shouldn't have a key, for example.

FWIW, and I'm no expert, but I think you're wasting your time trying to "get your h to look in the mirror" b/c what you really want is an official declaration that he's wrong and you're right. Or promises he cannot/will not make or keep. Warts and all, you really want him to take responsibility for ending the M but who cares if he does or doesn't? What does it change?

And what insight on HIS part, IF he has one and IF he shares it with you, will protect you from future damage? It won't. It seems to have a certain appeal, I agree. You want to know your perceptions of life aren't crazy and that it was real, at least for awhile.

It was. You are not insane to have thought that the day your kids were born was a happy time, or your honeymoon or whatever. Ignore the idiot comments your h makes to the contrary. He's justifying/vilifying/rationalizing.....and revising.

I mean, Is your h the best actor in the world? Is he in the show biz industry? Has he been nominated for an Oscar for best acting in a drama? If he hasn't, then don't bother listening to the "I never loved you" crap. Even if it were true, says way more about him than you. Only an idiot would not know themselves well enough to lie to themselves and others for decades....He is doing the classic Marital Revision...pretty soon he'll tell you he's been faking (call SAG to nominate him, NOW!) all these years, just pretending.... AND OR that every career snag or problem he's had was your fault/kids' fault/ someone else's, etc. All those times you laughed together, he was secretly crying inside...??? please.....

You guys married relatively young and he's in the throes of wth? am I doing with my life? Lots of HS re-unions do this for a short time too. I just went to mine and it was like a time machine. What H? What kids? I'm 18 again... I actually wanted to dance with my HS bf to "our" song, which HS bf asked me to do (his w was there too....) anyhow, yes, I flirted for an hour or two and in an ideal hedonistic way, I'd have liked to kiss him....insane? Yes, and two of my bff who are also married (happily) said they wanted to do the same!! I can tell you despite our issues and struggles I have NEVER once thought, "gee, wish I'd married the HS bf instead..." he was just cute and when I was 17 , we had fun. So I recognized the time warp effect but your h hasn''t. And for some, it's an eye opener for feeling bad about their lives. I am "successful" and still M to the same man and he is a physician. So, even though no one from HS knows our trevails, on "paper" we are fine and didn't face any horrible self realizations. Geez, I felt great after mine, but I know at least 2 or 3 friends who feel they've underachieved (and one guy with his 3rd w, whose name I screwed up naturally...he seemed offended & I thought, "Geez, what'd you expect?" I was proud for recalling his 2nd w's name...he won for most married...guess he just believes in Marriage so much he keeps doing it)

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, ((((((25)))))), you made me laugh several times with your post, and I can't thank you enough!! I soooo NEEDED that!

And, no, H is not much of an actor, really! This is a guy who was raised with 7 brothers and sisters in a very poor family. This is a family that, when they play cards, they argue in between every hand! So, while he will "tap dance" around certain subjects to avoid conflict, he is by no means above letting people know it when he really feels strongly about something. The weird thing is that he truly believes his own BS, I think!

Sometimes I really get the impression that he knows he's "f'd up". In fact he has said so on occaision. Several years back on our anniversary, H made me a card that said "When you thought I didn't listen, I heard. When you thought I didn't understand, I tried. When you thought I didn't care, I did. Thank you for having the strength and perserverence to keep pushing until the understanding dawned and the caring showed through. I love you more each day." [H has told me since that that card came from his head and not his heart. He was proud of himself because he knew that I liked that crap, but he didn't really feel those things.]

Looking back, I know that I have actually been very pushy with H. He is so stubborn and I am so impatient that that is the dynamic we fell into. I now know that he is someone who needs time to mull over things and come to his own conclusions about stuff. And I need to learn to shut up, and not worry so freakin' much. If he is indeed the man that I think he is, or thought he was, then he will eventually figure himself out. Again I only hope that if/when that happens, he finds it in himself to be willing to re-build our M.

What I have to do is be willing to trust that he will figure out what he wants to be happy, and if that is not me, I have to love him enough to accept that. That's a hard one, because it breaks my heart! I have reached a point where know that I will be OK no matter what happens. Now I need to get to the point where I know I will not only be OK, but be happy! I'm not there yet. But I do really want to get there. I hope that once I am in my own place and not "holding down the fort" as it were, that I will find more things I like about being in my own space.

H actually came and got me from work today and brought me home today so he could pull my car out of the ditch. We are interacting pretty well really. There does seem to be some detatchment but cordiality there now that is a pleasant change from the tension that was there when we were in MC a couple weeks ago. He even gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before he left, although I know he did that because tomorrow is X-mas and he knows how sentimental I am, rather than any real desire to do so on his side.

One other interesting thing.... I have always made the apointments for each month with our C, so I asked H if he wanted me to do so again for January, or if he wanted to do so on his own. He was OK with me doing it, so I did. So, it's a good thing that he is still going on his own. That tells me that he is at least trying to do some real self analysis, and that can be nothing but good, I think.

Of course, I am still going to IC, as is our S17 as well. I've always thought that success was in doing, not the desired goal itself. So long as you haven't quit altogether, you have not failed in a given endeavor. This philosophy has served me well in the past in getting what I want, but it's also part of why I have a problem with letting go when I should! However, if I turn that around and look at my H's actions, rather than his words, it does at least seem that he has completely given up all possibility of future reconciliation yet. But, that's probably still my denial.........

What can I say, I'm a work in progress!!

Thanks again for your support, 25! It is really appreciated!!

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, this is what my horoscope said for today!

One of your partners in life or in work is not willing to let you in on their idea just yet -- they are keeping their cards close to their chest. Instead of being hurt by their choice, try to accept it. Show them that you trust them and believe in them. Giving them the benefit of the doubt will touch them and help create a stronger bond between the two of you. Don't worry, they are not going to let you down when they finally lay all of their cards down on the table!

Makes me wish I believed in this stuff!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Right back at you SC,

one tiny question? Why make any appointments for him? At all? See, that is pushing him towards recon, even if you call it something else. You are still trying to control outcomes...you can't. You do it more than you realize. Thru the kids as well. Again, FORGET ABOUT THE "PLANS"....

take your pain and Give it up to God, b/c all you can is to do your best and turn over the results to the One above. Stop doing the appointments, just keep your own if you want. What is there to discuss as a couple, if he can't even say he wants to be M? Your son? Seriously, you guys need a c appt to talk about your son?

Well, schedule a meeting now and then for that, if you must. But most of that could be done in IC as well. I think you're looking for excuses for contact and THAT IS A FORM OF PRESSURE and the thing is, if YOU"D stop pushing for contact, stop making excuses for being together "working on the dream house" or driving somewhere and getting out of the snow, blah blah blah, it'd force h to do some of the contacting....Let HIM call son, or d24 or you. Let Go. Don't call it "impatience" b/c it's more than that. It's a lot of control, and fear and pressure and it's sooo NOT detaching or letting go.

Recall that idea of letting the WAS's inner voice, or conscience trying to get thru to them from within? But they're drowned out by the LBSer's pressure, forced contacts, questions, R temperature taking, hyperanalyzing, 'Why", 'HOW?" etc =questions that are designed to make the hearer of them defensive. My DB coach said to ask NO questions with the word "WHY" in them, as it would trigger anger from h and right or wrong, it was accurate. Think about it. "Why did you do this? Why don't you do this?" Those are not questions that are going to make h feel good.

So, for your h to "hear" anything like a doubt within, you have to be so silent with your words and actions. Read NOTHING into a hug and treat it as nothing more than a gesture of warmth. Don't read anything bad into it either. It was a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Period. Not good, not bad...nothing. Okay, it WAS Better than a slap...but you get my point. Can you do the "Stop Sign" visual when you start wondering about negative things so you just STOP IT! and change the topic in your mind? It's helpful to a lot of people around here, esp if there are OPs in the picture. Guess what I'm saying is that I believe where the head goes, the heart will follow. Your head is getting you where you need to go/be, and now you have to come up with some sort of "exercises" that help your heart get in alignment.

You can do this. Maybe your h will come back and there are reasons to hope for that. But for YOU, hope seems to prevent you from GAL, so that's why I'm hitting you with the 2x4 so much.

The trip I mentioned taking, (hey NO ONE has the money these days...but still) could be a nice thing for your son and d. Do they get along? Can they ski or snowboard or on a smaller scale, see an opera or live theater? I say that because it's more engaging and mentally demanding than movies at home and it can set up a nice little "tradition" for you. I think I mentioned the ski trip we took our first Christmas apart. Scary and all, but a blast. Maybe your s17 could bring a friend? Anyhow, the next Christmas d11 said we needed to plan a trip there since "We always go skiing after Christmas!"
I love that it took ONE time to make it a "tradition"...you can make one of your own too. Also, seeing "Christmas Story" is great too. Oh, a mistake I made which my d19 (then 16) noticed, was in renting movies "with a message".... she said, "Mom, that's a nice movie for YOU and all, but if you think Dad's going to 'get it' from a movie, you're just going to be disappointed..." She was right on. I was manipulating and also, really unrealistic. Did I expect him to slap his forehead and say "OMG! NOW I SEE THE LIGHT!!" You know, at some level I guess I was hoping that was going to happen.

So, since my d could see through that I was a little embarrassed. Your son is the same age she was and he'll notice gestures like that too. Anytime you hug your h your son will see it as a way for you to stick out your neck and get it hacked off. Don't let HIM see you set yourself up, by not doing it at all. I mean, if you hug as a courtesy, then make sure you pull back first, End conversations first, don't call unless you truly must and always keep it short. Be the one who has to go since you are just so darn busy GAL...bet it'd be a 180? Do lots of the 180's, for your son to see as well. CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER...

DETACH....it's a tough one....but mandatory. And when you are able to do it, even if just for the next 48 hours, it is so freeing... SO, for the next 48 hours, detach, stay calm, and be content. Show your love for your children and that no matter what, YOU will always be there for them, and that yes, their dad DOES love them no matter what confusion he is now experiencing about other life choices....

Good luck, and glad you have a sense of humor. Got to, or you'll never get through this. There was a woman named baseballannie I have to read her old posts. She's one of many hilarious people on this board... introduced me to the "aliens" that take over MLCers and the spew that comes out at times. I did ask my h to get a CAT scan more than once...seriously. That's how out of character he seemed. As he was, then, wasn't alright. If that becomes the man he is now, or if he changed into that guy permanently, NO THANKS...so for now, accept that the man you are seeing and dealing with is NOT a man you want a life with anyhow.

I also had someone tell me it's like a hard puzzle the MLCer has to solve all by himself. We want to lean over their shoulders to tell them where to put the pieces, but this is a puzzle ONLY THEY can solve, and when we interfere, accuse or point out a way, or try to do it for them, they have to start all over. So back off.

Give the "real" guy in there the space and time to discover who he really is, wants to be, and what his life should look like. Let him find the love he still has, though it may be buried under a ton of anger and shame and guilt. Guilt and shame do NOT bring WASs back, by the way. So, take care of yourself and move forward and see what the new year brings... be a woman only a fool would leave...which is not a clingy panicking woman, or a needy woman, or an angry bitter woman, or a woman who brings up and holds a guy to a comment from 10 years ago about a house...

Who is that woman? She's a woman who has faced a serious heart break with dignity and self respect and a calm strength. A woman of substance, who knows her true worth, and will get it from the man in her life, or not have that man in her life...and who's son will see this and therefore will treat HIS woman/wife someday, with that exact type of respect.

Merry Christmas,
(( j ))

[Silent Chrleader]

OMG, NOW I SEE THE LIGHT!!!!

Sorry, I couldn't resist......

Anyway, I am not in C sessions with H, and right now don't plan to be. The appointments I make are for each of us individually, although H and I sometimes sit in with S17 in his session to work on issues if necessary. H and I have actually both worked to maintain a good communication about the kids and keep them out of "the middle" as much as possible (notwithstanding the inappropriate "buddy" time he was having with S17 in the beginning of our sitch).

H has a very demanding job and he is a complete workaholic, so I have always been the one to make the appointments and give him the schedule. This time I told him I was going to call to make the appointments for January for S17 and I, so did he want me to go ahead and make appointments for him too. At first he said that he could do it, but then he started saying that Tuesdays were better for him.......well, I was on the phone makeing the call while we were on the ferry, so I just said "So what are you saying? Are you sure you don't want me to make the appointments?" So, then he said "Sure, go ahead."

But, you're right, I probably shouldn't have even asked. It should be totally up to him. So, I will not offer in the future.

Another funny thing. About an hour after H left, he called me for no apparent reason. He just asked if S17 had done what he was told, and told me that he had talked to his boss and should get the check for his bonus this Friday (which makes no nevermind to me since we have split the bills up now, so his income is his to manage). He also told me about how his evaluation went, and told me that he is OK with joining the festivities tomorrow at the facility where he works. Then he told me he would call me tomorrow when we were at my Mom's and asked when we would go over there. I was very upbeat and actually chuckling over this a little to myself. When we were in MC up to a week ago, H had agreed to call me once per day (so I wouldn't call him [I know, I'm a schmuck!]) But when he said he was "done" I thought that agreement was at an end. It's been a bone of contention with us. He runs, I chase.....[schmuck, schmuck, schmuck]. But it's funny that he called like this for nothing really.

I know, NO EXPECTATIONS!

[Silent Chrleader]

Slept in this morning. H called to wish us Merrry Xmas. He called home, cell, and Mom's phone. I didn't hear the phone. My brother answered the call and gave me the message when I got up. I didn't call him back.

Had Christmas dinner at my Mom's. Great food. I got a little depressed missing H, but that's par for the course. Didn't melt down or anything.

S17 is very angry at H and D24. He's fed up with both of their selfish attitudes. I can't really blame him there. On the other hand, S17 has been giving me a lot of bad attitude too. But I know he is hurting. Tomorrow, I am going to take him out shopping at the after Christmas sales and maybe a movie and dinner. Just the two of us.

I want to be happy. I need to add more to my GAL'ing......