Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, 25yrs.

Thank you so much for your such specific advice and encouragement, and the 2x4s, which I know are needed. I'll try to answer a few of your questions

Time Line:
-Our 25th anniversary was in Feb.
-H dropped the INLY bomb in March. He asked me to leave, which I did and stayed with my Mom for 5 days. Then he agreed to work on things so I moved back.
-I started IC, then upon request from C, H joined. After a couple of sessions together, H stopped and changed to IC.
-I did everything to make him happy, but he said it was too late and he didn't think he had anything to give. So, in late June, H moved into a small apartment.
-Mid July, I was having a very tough time emotionally. I saw seperation as a "temporary" break and that we would get back together and try again after a period of time (6 months), H saw it as a "mini-divorce". We talked and he agreed that after the 6 months (Christmas with just us and the kids at the dream house) we would get back together for at least 3 months, to "try again". [6 days after this talk, H sleeps with his secretary].
-Through the summer, H is spending all his time either working or up at dream house working to finish it. S17 is with H much of that time. They are best buds! They drink and smoke together and have a grand time, although S17 hates how H "works him to death" all the time. S17 asks to be included in C, so he starts.
-August, I have been making progress on my own understanding of what happened in the M and my part in it, and H's part. I start going to dream house on weekends with H and S17 to help with work. H and I become "friends with benefits". This is mostly at my instigation, thinking that it is one of the best things we have always had in our M, and a way to draw closer.
- Late August, I go on vacation with D24, my sister and mom. D24 tells me that S17 told her that H slept with OW. I call H and ask. He denies.
- September, H has high-school reunion which is supposed to "exercise demons". But it's anti-climactic. He wanted everyone to see how great he had turned out, but nobody remembered him and all they wanted to do was re-live high school days.
- October, H's sister dies of breast cancer. We (H, S17 & I) go to CA for funeral. This is a very tense time. I try to be supportive, but H is very reserved and stand-offish. I feel "alone in the crowd" and like this is going to be the last time I am with this family that I have called my own for 25+ years.
-After funeral, we fly home and H says he wants a month with no contact so he can think.
-November, we are supposed to try to start MC, with the idea that at year end we will be getting back together. H is "waffling". H's apartment gets "broke into" and H thinks it's S17 letting himself in and drinking and smoking H's cigars. S17 vehemently denies it, but H doesn't believe him. S17 is very upset at this "disrespect" when he has been keeping H's secrets, and it all comes pouring out. That H had told him that he slept with OW.......
-I tell H that he has no honor or integrity......he shows remorse and says he is sorry and he made mistake, but doesn't want to get back together. I tell him that what I want is the respect of his honesty. (i.e. time in C where issues that he has avoided are really looked at). What I want is to learn all I can learn from this so I don't make the same mistakes as I go forward. I would also like to know that he has taken a look in the mirror (I know that's not my problem, but that's what I wanted).
- So, we go back into MC. H says he wants divorce and thinks too much water under the damn, but agrees to spend time together to "see". Much of the time in C, we talk about S17 and his issues. For the next month we spend time together, but it's awkward and H is very withdrawn.
- 12/12/08 S17 goes with me to company X-mas party and likes a male co-worker of mine, and on the way home, starts telling me how I should be with somebody like that.....and S17 tells me that H never had intention of getting back together, or selling dream house as agreed...... S17 gets with D24 and they want to have group session with C to "attack" H and "bring out the monster" (i.e. the temper, rather than the calm, cool collected business man we think C has seen).
-12/15 H and I talk on the ferry home and he tells me he really doesn't love me. Probably never has. He used to sit on sub and think he didn't want to come home. I tell H that kids have things they want to say, because I don't think "ambush" is the best idea. So, H and I go home, and the kids speak their peace calmly and H listens and says he understands. Does not validate or refute.
-12/16 I start looking for an apartment for S17 and me.

Other facts:

- The plan for the past couple years while planning construction of dream house was to re-fi (either or both properties) upon completion and use equity in property to pay off other debt and construction costs. Also, historically I get a good bonus from where I work, which we would use to tide things over if necessary. We make a solid income, but can't afford a mortgage on our "main" home and mortgage on the dream home, plus rent for whichever one of us moves out.
- With real-estate market the way it is and economy is such a bad time, getting credit to re-fi may be very difficult, and sale of house probably won't bring what it's worth. I did get a good bonus, but have no idea if I will get any next year. I work in the financial services industry and these bonuses are NOT guaranteed.
- We are in a community property no fault state, so our debts and assets are split. It behooves me to try to maintain my own credit as best I can, so I don't have a problem with giving H the bigger chunk of my bonus to use toward making ends meet the next few months. I have paid my rent 6 months in advance, so I'm good there. Also, when H moved out in June, he did not take any of his income. It all still went into our joint account and I still took care of the bills. I have now given this all over to H to figure out (since he is the one that want to leave). I have told him will take care of my car, my student loans and my rent/living expenses from my money. I have gotten my own bank account and have my salary deposited there now.
- H was planning to get "roomate situation" here in Seattle closer to his work so he didn't have the commuting costs, and paid less rent, but there is so much work to do on the "main" house to get it ready for sale, H really should be there. He doesn't want to be there with me there, and I think getting my own space would be a good thing for me, so I told him I would be the one getting an apartment.
- H has not begrudged me anything really (although he wishes I took a cheaper apartment). He has said I can pretty much have any of the furniture I want and he will help me move and everything. He is also coming over this afternoon with our big truck to pull my car out of the ditch it's in due to the snow.
- The past week he has been very supportive, and I know this is because he feels less pressure now.
- I should also note that there are many issues in our family regarding D24, even to the extent that we have had to contact police in the past regarding her behavior. She is 24 and has no job, and spends her time split between our house and her boyfriends house. She does have difficulty getting people to give her a chance because of her "weirdness" due to HFA, but she has had jobs and lost them due to her behavior. We have helped her set herself up in a place of her own before. She ended up skipping out without notice and leaving the place a shambles which we had to pay because we cosigned. So, while there are legitimate reasons for D24's issues with H, he has done MANY things over the years to try to be a good dad for her and help her and she continues to blame him for all her woes. (Anybody but herself). So, my going to bat for H with her is somewhat necessary because the stuff she put on her blog was completely filthy and uncalled for.

Having said all that, I feel like I am getting a little better in detatchment, and I hope that moving into my new place will help that even more.

As for our C, he is great individually, and has helped me a lot with my self growth, and has done well with S17 too. The fact that H continues to go see this C on his own (IC) and has since April is a good thing I hope. It does get difficult because I have told C that he can share anything we talk about in our IC sessions as he sees fit. H, on the other hand, has not agreed the same, so C has to walk that fine line. C shares with me general feeling about where H is, but H does play his cards so very close to his chest, that C has said he has toyed with the idea of referring H to someone else to see if they have better luck. But, as I said, H keeps going on his own so perhaps he gets more out of it than we think.

Again, thank you so much for taking so much of your time to post to me and share your experience and advice. It helps me to know that others have gotten back together after significant time apart. That very well may not be the case with me, but it helps me feel a little more comfortable with the letting go a little more each day. I really appreciate that.

Take care, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!!!