Separated for 2 months... ice is thawing a little

[Choosing_Life]

Thanks for the support. My situation is a little weird, in that neither one of us was willing to take the first step toward being separated, but we both needed some sort of break from our previous relationship. That's why our initial separation was so explosive... things just kept escalating and neither one of us would back down. So she is not exactly the classic "walk-away wife," but I feel like she really had given up on our marriage and, in a way, so had I.

She expressed verbal willingness to work on our marriage in counseling, which is a good thing. Historically I believe I have been the higher-desire partner when it comes to "fixing the marriage," though, so I am concerned that this is just lip service. Nonetheless, I am choosing to take her at her word. At the same time, I feel like I have always been the "pursuer" in our relationship and so I am calling on all the reserves of willpower I can find to limit the amount of contact I initiate with her. Because of the particulars of our separation, I felt I had to make the first move in terms of re-opening the lines of communication. However, I believe I have made it clear to her now that I am interested in working toward reconciliation, so I really feel like I have to leave that ball in her court. I have found several decent candidates for therapists... all she has to do is say the word and I will make an appointment. On the one hand, I don't want to get trapped in the "Who's going to make a move first?" dynamic, but on the other hand I don't want to fall back into my old pattern of supplying all the energy for our relationship as a couple. One of the things that made me so angry in the first place was my perception that she liked the financial security and support I provided a lot more than she liked me. Now I realize that there is some of my own low self-esteem built into that, and that my behavior contributed to that pattern as well. That's why my goal for today is to not call her... I want to step out of my rigid fixed role.

Areas where I am the high-desire partner:
1) Fun (dates, etc)
2) Sex
3) Conversation
4) Affection

Areas where she is the high-desire partner:
1) Financial responsibility/budgeting
2) Care of our home

I would say parenting is the only thing that we both seem to want to do, although we often disagree about how to parent and this generates more conflict.

Upon writing that down, I feel a little bit hopeless: it kind of makes me feel like an interchangeable part, some sort of combination repairman/ATM. However, I can also see that from her perspective she probably feels like the only adult in the relationship, like I am more interested in being a lover/boyfriend than being a husband and making a family with her. We seem to have fallen into VERY rigid roles with regard to these issues.

That's why I am trying to use some of what I have learned in DB to change these dynamics. I am taking (having to take, now that we are separated) a much greater interest in the bills and the house. I am trying to summon up as much willpower as I can to change my approach to the things I am "high-desire" on: I can't complain that she never initiates any of those things if I am always there "firstest with the mostest." I have come to realize that I feel rejected pretty easily, and that when my wife "ignores" me that I tend to become very self-denigrating in my own head. Certainly it reinforces some negative opinions I have about my own attractiveness. However, I am optimistic that I can overcome that negative self-talk and start to have more respect for myself. Exercising and losing weight have helped a lot in that regard.

Anyway, my goal for today is to not call or text my wife. We'll see if I can do it!