It just boggles the mind that she would piss away all the years we had together looking for happiness, finding nothing but misery and unhappiness, why wouldn't she start looking back....?
LonelyD, I remember reading in one of the many books I read during our separation that everybody goes through a mid-life crisis of sorts....some of us handle it well by looking at our lives and deciding how to positively change things we don't like.....while others decide to throw everything away and start over. They went on to ask you to think about every major life transition that you may have gone through....graduating from High School....leaving home....getting married....major birthdays (20, 30, etc)....losing a job. In each stage, you can think of somebody who didn't handle the transition well. It is no different with Mid-Life. Your W is struggling with the transition....and THANK GOD...she has a H in you who is providing a safety net for her to walk the tight rope and fall without hurting herself too badly. One day (I think soon) she is going to realize how much love you are showing her!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
That is what He is telling me also. She is not starting over, of that there is no doubt. she is talking ragtime with her "plans". everyone knows it, they just let her ramble. Me, as I said, stick to the number one classic, I don't believe anything she says and only half of what I see.
What she saw last night hurt her. I know it. Things are tough for everyone, emotions are tight, everyone wants the ultimate Xmas present and I know they won't get it. Nuff said about that. She is struggling because she made a decision and choice based on her hormones. Her personanlity dictates that she is right and really needs to be proven wrong emphatically before she relents. that being said, the crash is imminent. I will be there to pick up the pieces, but she will not fall on me. that will come by her own menas and as been posted, life will show her the consequences of her actions. I believe that. I also now believe He is talking to me n my sleep, but I cannot remember anything. i sleep very sound, and feel refreshed and a huge sense of calm when i wake up. especially if I have a night where I ask tons of questions or comment about concenrs about what I am doing....Wish I could remember, but He chooses me not to. My D in law and my gradnson are going to church with me tomorrow. They are all coming for my breaksfast tomorrow, the menu is in....HAHAHAHA!!!! this is an existing tradition, I made breakfast, but now its the Xmas Breakfast and they are all looking forward to it. I am sure it will be discussion tonight and tomorrow. she is not part of it. I feel really good, and I am also really upset, emotionally. I want the ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS PRESENT!!! IHAVE BEEN GOOD< GOD KNOWS< I HAVE BEEN GOOD!!! Got that off my chest...Keeping on the path....I was indifferent towards her last night, not really ignoring her, but definitely not pressing or pursuing her...I believe she was looking for that...Don't know why, but I do....I am not corrcting anyone on the dating thing or whether or not there is or isn't somebody. It's my business and no one else's. If they all choose to believe something that they think, then let them. I just sit back and smile.
It just boggles the mind that she would piss away all the years we had together looking for happiness, finding nothing but misery and unhappiness, why wouldn't she start looking back....?
You know what they say, misery loves company. My STBX is supposidly so happy with her OM then she's ever been with me in our 11 years, yet since July she inhales about half a bottle of Tums everyday, smokes like a chimney and has to alternate between wine and beer because "sometimes the beer upsets her ulcer".
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
All I hear is how miserable she is. everyone around her wonders the same thing, if you are so miserable go back to H, he loves you, he is doing unbelieiveable and you are a friggin mess. Again, Dday, we are the prizes in this situation, not the other way round. Our lives have prgressed positively and we are actually much happeier in our lives than they are in theirs. their awakening will be huge....We are the pot of gold at the end of their rainbow, never forget that....Whoever we ended up with at the end of the sitch, wins, they get the best we could possibly be and they get someone who is happy with who they are....Have a Merry Christamas, stay strong and focused for you...Be happy in life, for it is way too short to be miserable...
I am fine, moving out of 'our' house in a month and looking forward to it. Leaving all the memories and everything behind.
That has been a REAL eye opener for her. Now almost everyone of her texts lately contain a "we could have worked this out if..." type liners. Not sure what she's trying to get at with that? Subliminal message? Who knows. I dropped the rope a long time ago, i found trying to mantain myself as a safety net, did nothing but keep me miserable.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Keep PMA. Let her keep what if'ng, from what I understadn, that's where you wanna be. As for the ssafety net, while I was looking up waiting for the fall I was miserable. For the past two months, I am not waiting to see her fall. I know she is going to, but I am not hanging my hat wating. I have dropped the rope and oding my detaching and maintaining it. Sounds to me like she doesn't like to see the safety net leaving, Good...She let her now live with her consequences, who knows....?
Keep PMA. Let her keep what if'ng, from what I understadn, that's where you wanna be.
Sounds to me like she doesn't like to see the safety net leaving, Good...She let her now live with her consequences, who knows....?
Well, the way I see it, her validation for walking out with OM is that everything of course was all MY fault. She finally professed her own contributions to the seperation just recently. So, I see the "what if's" as being a reality sinking in that what she's done is wrong.
The damage is done, and everyone she has told her lies know they are exactly that, lies. Lies to cover up her own weakness to perform the hardest work in life, keeping your family together.
As I've said before, this is nothing new to her. I haave come to find out that EVERY relationship she's ever had ended in her cheating. Wish people would have spoke up, oh I don't know 10 years ago, especially when the question was asked "does anyone see any reason why these two people should not be united in holy matramony?". I will darn well see to it that that question DOES get answered when she marries OM, you can bet on that.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
you sound so "well". Seriously. Not much to add. LD, I recall praying every night that HE would tell me what to do. Most of the time I got silence, which I took to mean, hang in there. But my behaviors and GAL began as well. Eventually, oh sooo slowly---dear God, I'm a better woman than I knew--things turned around.
They will for you as well, they already are. I LOVE That your wife (LD) was searching for money or cash or whatevs...for Christmas...very classy touch. She is close to bottoming out.
Are you so sure the kid won't be okay with the presents you got? We are getting a "big" present as s22 worked big time on h last night about a PS3...s22 always has persuasive arguments like "you NEED to get a blue ray anyhow, and THIS will ALSO play games and your kids will stay bonded (s22 lives on the other coast so his approach about keeping our children 'in touch' with each other always hits a nerve)....s22 should be a Lawyer, except we already have too many of those in the family. Can't believe it worked on H! He's flippin' going out to get one!!! I wanted to do it, but thought we should agree...so, my secret plan has worked and h thinks it's his idea...brilliant!
Okay, so my youngest is getting several gifts of lesser value b/c she likes the number, frankly. ANd ultimately she cost a lot less than the "family gift" of the PS3...so I assume you are doing that LD. Something for the young one to play with and hopefully involve you. Some of the video games require a glass of wine or two to hold my interest. For one thing, I get killed off or crash in 10 seconds and lack the patience to learn the obstacles involved to "Win" the games...what's with a floating cherry and mushroom to give you "health points"? Who thought of this stuff?
Good luck guys you really sound so grounded right now and your w's need to see that. Stay calm, lose the anger in front of her and be there for your kids. Your w's sound ill, honestly. Maybe if your kids can view it that way, (unless this is just a culmination of years of weirdness growing) it'll help them feel less hurt.
There is such a thing as menopause that, (embarrassing as it is to admit for me and my feminist friends) can make you kind of crazy. HENCE THE NEED FOR MEDS at times like these. Geez, I recall my mom getting sweaty and hot a lot and then getting estrogen and being normal again. I think it was estrogen. (Or was it speed? it was the late 60's....) Merry Christmas! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
LonelyD - I read your thread and the "what if" world - I live there too.
Somewhere in your post, you mentioned how hard it is to be friends with WAW, after doing all she did to you. I understand completely. Does she really want to be friends - or is it just easier to get over the guild of her ongoing affair if I don't fight it and be friends.
I know we need to be friends if there is ever a chance to repair our marriage, but how do you do it when the WAW has moved on with her own life with her BF ?
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3 T:7.5/M:4 D Day: 1/24/08 Legal Separated: 6/12/08 BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08 Suspect BF pre-dates D Day
Hope all had a Merry Christmas. Let me start with my screw up...Went to older D's for Xmas Eve. drank, yes I know I wasn't supposed to . Finished about two bottles of wine. My kids were afraid I would get emotional around her, start crying and begging and the like. Never happened. Drove home though, huge mistake....Middle daughter followed me home and chewed my ass out royally for making her a wreck. I was in a good mood. Now let's get to the happenings with Wifey...
She sowed up at Ds and I was in the kitchen with FIL and my son in law. She walked over to everyone and wished a merry christams with a kiss. Came over to me put her hand on the small of my back and gave me a kiss, I got the cheek. She immediately said to me she had a cold and didn't want to give it to me. I had my arm around her waist and wished her a merry christmas while I lighted rubbed her back. told her she sounded awful and asked if she was taking something for it. Small talk and then that was pretty much it for that. I was cordial and nice to her the whole time.
Me and my kids left around 10:00, got home, D21 balled me out. We laughed a little and her and her boyfriend left. Around midnight the phone rang. It was W. She had run out of gas on the highway on her way home. they wanted $80 for road service to come out and help. She was in a panic. told her to calm down, where are you, I'll come get you. don't get upset. Younger D hid my keys, said you are not going anywhere. Told her I need to do this, you don't understand. I need to take the oppotunity to help her when she is in her worst. D17 tough, let her call someone else. You have been drinking and you shouldn't go. I told her to call her brother. He came and got me and we went out to rescue her. She was talking to my son about my FIL. I guess he gave ti to her good at the party. you're screwing up your life, what is wrong with you, If I ever see this guy I'll kill him....the whole nine yards...
Anyway rescued her and sent her on her way. I was a wreck driving home with my son. Emotionally fell apart. Told him I felt I needed to take this oportunity to shine. It was all BS in my head. Told him that now I felt like a doormat again. Not sure why I felt I needed to help her, she is with someone else, let him bail her out.
Chrsitmas morning I was a basket case. Being there without her on the holiest of days, I went into my room for a good cry. Got a hold of myself and enjoyed the morning with my kids. everything was great. Went to church..
W showed up to pick up D17 to go down to her fathers. told them I would be right along I had some thngs to do. About a half hour after they left I got a phone call. It was my D17, I didn't recognize the number. She called and said they had a flat tire. She told me where they were and could I come. I told her I'd be along. I thought they were off the road. They were on the main road. I pulled up about 40 minutes after they had called and there was a cop helping them. I finished it up and they told me the trunk latch was broken. We pulled the car into the parking lot. The latch was jammed so I took the whole thing apart and fixed it. All the while humming to myself and smiling. She said she was cold and I told her to get into her car, but he seemed to want to stand outside and watch me work. Tire was shredded.
Got to FILs and jumped into the jacuzzi with him. we talked about what had happened and he told me that I should not have drank last night and should have just sent my son out, I should not have gone. He did say that I was very nice to her and everyone was shocked that she kissed me. This was the image I had seen. Anyway, he said sounds like another "coincidence" that we get along great at xmas party, she needs to be recued that night and calls me directly. Next day, she needs to be rescured and have her car latch fixed. I do it all without a lot of bravado or anything.
He also told me he is not giving her anymoney for anything. Him and his GF talked after I had left last Saturday night and agreed that helping her out rather than letting her crash will not get her on the path back to me. I thought that was a very deep conversation and told them both how much I appreciated it.
Tire for her car is $150. for one, she will need to match it. She is overdrawn in her checking account again. She has not paid me for the car insurance, she says she will have it next week. She has a repo niotice on her car, she needs a tire, she wrote checks w/o the money in the bank and owes me car ins money. She has told everyone , including me, she is going to ask her dad for the money. After he laid into her on Xmas Eve, that ain't gonna happen.
I didn't feel well last night. she had to leave her Dad's Early last night because she was going to a party and then home where they were all going to sit around have some drinks and have a sing along. Told FIL she is got him coming to her house no doubt. He told me not to think about it, who cares and to keep focusing. FILs GF talked to me last night and asked what are you going to do now that you have rescued her twice, like a knight in shining armor. I told her back into the cave. There is nothing if she is with him. She said good. You have done what was right to do, and now don't expect anything. Move on. Let her think about what has happended and who she needed to help her.
I am a wreck, but last night, thinking abouther made me sick. I went to bed early cuz I was so tired...And talked to God again. I told Him that I know the sign I wanted was the kiss on Xmas Eve. I thanked Him for that. But what about these two situations. D17 had called me from a strangers house. Her mother told her to call me. There are friends of ours that live 2 miles from where she was. I asked Him if I did the right thing. Am I reaching? the answer was what I already knew, do onto other....Now He wants me to keep on moving. I asked why she isn't seeing these things as signs for her...I asked why is she still with OM who lives in his parents basement, who is obviously using her for the sex, hate to be crasse but it is what it is. she tells everyone he gives her gas money when she goes down there, I know the truth. I asked Him, should I have not helped, let her struggle with finding anyone who would help her...I have no expectations from this, she did. She asked about tires last night before she left. Do I need to by a set of two. I told her yes. the other tires are worn and you will need at least two. The side walls release do to overheating the tire. Which is from driving too fast. She drives very fast. She was either waiting for me to say forget the car ins or I'll see if I can find you tires. she knows I know people. Neither offer came from my mouth, and they won't.
I asked God, is she on the brink of her meltdown? Is it coming soon? the answer was no. He told me I should not spend time thinking about her meltdown or anything she is doing. these things will happen with or without me spending time there.
SingleDad, here is something I have read and advice that has been offered. Becoming friends with her will only happen after you have learned to forgive. Being friends for the sake of it is BS and will only cause you to have expectations that will never come. Yes, she tells everyone she wants to be my friend so that she can feel more comfortable with her situation and her guilt. If become her friend and act like I don't care, then I enable her to continue her actions. You need to be dark and you need to be very aloof. Do not let her know anything about you. You are the only thing you can control. Deal with you. As you have been ging through this for a while, I am sure you have run through quite a bit of emotion.
Originally Posted By: SingleDad
LonelyD - I read your thread and the "what if" world - I live there too.
Somewhere in your post, you mentioned how hard it is to be friends with WAW, after doing all she did to you. I understand completely. Does she really want to be friends - or is it just easier to get over the guild of her ongoing affair if I don't fight it and be friends.
I know we need to be friends if there is ever a chance to repair our marriage, but how do you do it when the WAW has moved on with her own life with her BF ?
You do not know this person anymore, she is a stranger to you. you will need to go throguh some phases with her to reapir your marriage. You will not need to do any of it while she is with him. She is moving on and so should you. Nothing I do is about her or for her. It is for me, my kids, my dog, the bird my friends....Not HER!. I love my W very much. She continues on with OM because she feels this is where she needs to be to be happy. whatever (hate that word)! I have forgiven a lot of what she has done. But I will not entertain being friends with her outside of these family gatherings until he is gone. My life is good without her. It would be better with her, but I cannot and will not hang my hat on it. God has talked to me, He has shown me things about myself I never realized. He has given me strength I did not know I had. He has shown me patience I never had and He has shown me true forgiveness. I have learned the power of prayer and I have learned to believe in myself again. I am very confident, have strong self esteem and I am very independent. She is not confident, licves in a world of self lies and self justification, has no independence worth bragging about and low self esteem. She has not rationlized her life and her choices because she has not realized these are mistakes. Her father told her the other night she is screwing her life up and making the ultimate mistake. I explained to him that she is not in a rational world right now. His GF told him the same thing. We both told him that when she does get to that point she will fall hard. You need to realize that your W may or may not really want to be friends. My guess is it is just antoher way for you to enable her life. If you are not comfortable being friends, then don't. If she is with OM, you are out. That is the short of it. You are out. I am out. We are out. I give you this, at the end of tis lesson, we are the prize. We will become the best people we can be because we need to reiscover ourselves and find the true self. To be the type of person we like, to be the type of person we would want to know, to be the person who can change peoples lives by just being involved in theirs. This is true self. I have done it. It is not hard. It is painful, but not hard. And once you discover yourself, staying true to yourself is very easy.
God bless, keep you safe. Make no mistake, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your tunnel.
