Hi, there, all. In reference to the topic of the last few posts...I am mildly irritated that H doesn't trust me enough to even know where he lives, but that's all. I really don't care that much, and maybe it's better that I don't know, because if I did, I would probably be subject to the temptation to snoop...and I know that's not good for anyone, especially me.
I did make it to church today (for the first time in several months), although just barely...I have a hard time getting myself up early enough to get there at all; final service starts at 10:30 a.m., which is like the crack of dawn for me. I'm always glad when I push past the inertia and go. I really wanted to be there today, since I won't be able to go to Christmas Eve services because I will be traveling with my brother (who is flying in that day) to see our mother for Christmas.
I was extremely lazy yesterday; I just stayed in bed reading most of the day. My cats were happy, though...I had one by my knees and one by my chest, keeping me company (the third one doesn't get along with one of the others, so she refuses to get on the bed while he's on it). I do need to stop burying myself in books and avoiding my life...this was a deeply-ingrained habit that I actually managed to break at the time of the bomb, but now that H isn't around to care any more, I'm finding it creeping back up on me. I need to nip that in the bud and get my life in better balance.
Today, since I'm actually out of bed while the sun is still up, I'm going to run a few errands, call a couple of friends, do some baking, get a little work done. I have a headache, probably from my erratic sleep patterns. Yet another thing I had improved for quite a while after the bomb, but is totally out of control again. I have trouble with consistency here...some days I am stronger, and think, "I'm not going to let myself miss out on life because I can't get on a schedule to match the rest of the world!" Other times it seems so pointless to even make the effort, because it's such a struggle all the time.
I'm just having a "blah" day, I guess...not great, not horrible. Just something to live through. It's very cold here, although the skies are clear and there's no snow or ice on the ground...I think the high is supposed to be 15 degrees today. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a warm place to stay in this cold weather. And insane me, I've got a wild hair to go out and put a few bows on the house--all the decorating I plan to do, since I'm finally in the mood to do *something* visible for the holiday. I could hardly stand to see all the holiday decorations around town right after H left, but I'm more or less back to normal appreciation of them now, although I'm not interested in spending a lot of time decorating (I'm not into frills and cutesy things--not my style--but I do appreciate the effort other people put into making things beautiful for the season). It's supposed to warm up a little tomorrow, but it isn't going above freezing, and then we're supposed to get a "wintery mix" of precipitation, so the roads are going to be a mess, I'm sure.
Today while I was driving back from church, I saw a car of the same model as H's, although definitely a different color, and I had this rage-filled moment when I thought about what it would be like to crash my car into his if I saw him driving somewhere. Yep, definitely haven't reached that place of forgiveness yet. I don't know that I've really made any progress in that department, and all I know to do is pray about it.
Sorry I don't have anything inspiring or exciting or entertaining to say. I think this headache is really affecting my mood more than I want to admit, and I wasn't in a great mood before that. Hopefully I will be more fun to talk to in my next post.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Dawn you made me burst out laughing. Thanks for that today. The part where crashing into h's car. Haven't we all had those fleeting moments. Oh my I just had a flashback of h with ? ow, he denies and I was chasing them in my SUV.
Not a good thing. I had the kids in the car. I finally got a grip and went home. About that time h filed a restraining order against me.
That memory makes me want to cry. So sad, my rage back then.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Glam, I'm glad you were entertained! I had a whole lot of those infuriated moments in the beginning...I can't even tell you how many murders and "Lorena Bobbit"s I performed in my mind in the first few months after the bomb! I have less of a problem with that sort of thing now, but it still happens occasionally!
I did have a few times when I just lost control of myself and kinda went off the deep end, which is totally unlike me, but I managed not to do any major permanent damage (the worst was destroying the bedroom lamp during the bomb convo, and I waited until H threw the first one...neither of us had ever done anything like that before).
I'm having another of my indecisive periods, where I can't decide what to do next, so I end up doing nothing...I guess I will go out and run my errands. I hope this headache goes away; it's making me feel a bit lightheaded now.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hey, all...well, the latest news is that H popped his head out of NC briefly last night. We had been completely NC for over two weeks, and it had been three weeks since we saw each other or spoke. I'm pretty sure that this is the first time we've EVER gone longer than a week or so without at least talking on the phone since we first met, 23 years ago.
I was at the store getting basic supplies and I had my cell phone in my pocket because I thought a friend might be calling me. When it started ringing, I pulled it out, and I was glad I checked the readout before answering...I just stood there feeling sick to my stomach, staring at the phone as H's name glowed on the front of it, and thought, "I really, really, REALLY don't want to do this. I do NOT want to talk to him." I was a bit nervous about what he might be calling about...kind of a "NOW what??" feeling. So I let it go to voice mail. Then I procrastinated even checking voice mail for another hour or so. I was being seriously avoidant!
His message just said, in kind of a neutral/distant tone, "Hi, it's me...I was just wondering if I had any mail at the house...it's x o'clock and I'm out and about right now, so I thought I'd see if it would be convenient for you if I stop by and pick it up. But if you don't get this message in the next few minutes, don't worry about it, I'll check back another time. Talk to you later." Since it was already past the time frame he mentioned, I didn't feel guilty about not calling him back, but I wouldn't have wanted to regardless.
Whenever I think of him these days, I just feel nauseated. Obviously I will have to get past that to have any hope of reconciliation, and I need to do it for my own well-being anyway. This goes right along with that "just wake me when it's all over" feeling that we were discussing earlier on this thread.
I have been thinking lately about the whole MLC thing...I'm not sure how to explain it, but to try to lay out my thoughts clearly: You tell your spouse you're unhappy about xyz related to them. Some of the stuff that's bothering you, they have control over, some of it they don't, although none of it is stuff that came totally out of left field after you got M. They proceed to make visible and at least moderately successful efforts to improve the parts of xyz that are within their control. Why would you walk away at this point? Why would you tell them, "Too little, too late"? To me this doesn't make sense unless there are other factors involved (like an OP). It doesn't make sense to flush your years together and everything else you had together down the toilet when your spouse is being responsive to your wishes. This is why I believe MLC is real...this scenario just doesn't make sense--no reasonable person would do this under those conditions. So...maybe I'm being too simplistic, or am in denial, but that's how I see it. What do you all think?
I've still got a headache...I'm hoping the aspirin I took will help, but it doesn't seem to be doing a thing, and that was an hour and a half ago that I took it. Usually my headaches last about three days, and I haven't found anything that makes them better, so I just have to live with them as long as they last.
My friend Lynn called earlier, and we are going to get together tomorrow to do some more baking. I'm looking forward to that. We both want to make more of the sugar cookies we made last time (my recipe, which she had never tasted before, but she really liked it a lot). Maybe we'll actually get icing on them this time.
I did pretty well (relatively speaking) getting to bed last night. I was trying to make sure I ate *something* for the day, and I kept falling asleep over my plate. I think I was asleep within 2 minutes of turning out the light when I finally made it to bed. Just need to keep working on this....
Okay, lots to do...must run off and do it. I'm so glad I don't have to brave the malls (I really dislike shopping--I know, I'm a strange woman) since I'm not exchanging gifts with anyone this year (except for maybe a few food items), for the first time ever...but I'm getting my hair trimmed tonight, need to go work out, got some work stuff to do, go to the bank...catch you all later!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I agree with your assessment about MLC. It's not rational. I don't understand it. Even my C is amazed at some of the stuff he's seen people do. C says that there just seems to be a rash of people who are up and leaving long term marriages for not apparent reason. He doesn't know if it's society today or what, but he is amazed by it. It used to be that maybe they had an affair, but the MLC'er didn't necessarily want to actually leave the M. M and family was valued. But, today everybody just seems to feel "entitled" to do whatever they want to do in the moment regardless of the consequences. And my H wonders why our S17 is skipping school because he just doesn't feel like going!
Very sad!
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TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I was just thinking about your comment about MLC not being rational yesterday. I was thinking that my H considers himself to be such a logical, rational person. I'm the emotional, illogical one in his opinion, but what he's doing doesn't make a bit of sense. Why would you throw away 20 years of history and everything you've built, all the sacrifices made, and the stability of your children and family? Why would you be willing to do this and not even try to fix it. My H won't talk about anything, respond to me, or go to MC. I fear I'm faced with living with a roommate for the rest of my life or I will have to eventually move on. His behaviour just isn't logical.
If your car broke would you just leave it in the driveway and not try to fix it? Apparently for many spouses they just go out and get a new car. But my H just wants to leave the broken car in the driveway for the next 30 years. Well, if we can't fix this vehicle, I don't know what I'm going to do. But I digress...
Silent, I agree about there being A LOT of marriages and relationships that are disintergrating right now. I'm really beginning to think there is something to this Pluto Transit concept. I believe Ali Suddenly knows a great deal about this, but the timing of the whole thing is eerie.
Hang in there folks and Happy Holidays.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
Thanks to all of you for thinking of me--I am thinking of you too! I am off to pick up my brother from the airport and then going out of town for a couple of days, but I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas too! Thank you all so mch for being there for me!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
