Thanks so much, Tom! The prayers are needed. And you're right - why waste money on a PI when I can use it to do things that will actually make me feel good about myself.
So, today is not going so well so far. I didn't go into work. I woke up feeling more sick, and it didn't seem like a good idea to go in. I tend to get pneumonia this time of year, so I have to be careful.
Of course, I still feel guilty, and there's a little nagging bird in my head that keeps saying that maybe I should have gone in, that maybe this cold is just an excuse. Got into an argument with a friend/coworker about it this morning. She's the kind of person that never gets sick, and she's really unempathetic about this sort of thing. I got the lecture I always get from her about needing to come in, I never work, etc - (which is total BS; I haven't been working much lately, but I worked my a** off for YEARS). I hung up on her. Now she's pissed because I was supposed to help her with a project today, and I'm not coming in. Just what I need - another reason to feel sh*tty.
I keep rationaliaing that I was only going to be at work for 4 hours today, and that it's really not worth feeling sicker and having to commute an hour each way.
Dammit, I probably am making excuses. Bloody hell.
I'm supposed to go stay with my parents tonight. I really don't want to, although I figure staying in this house by myself probably won't be any better.
I had another horrible nightmare last night. I dreamt that my H and I were ML - everything was so real. His scent, his voice, the sensations - everything. But it wasn't him now. It was him as he looked two years ago. Somehow in the middle, he ended up confessing that he's been sleeping with two other girls at various points in our R. Somehow, I ended up being introduced to them. In the dream, they weren't allthat pretty, and I remember being really annoyed with him more than angry, etc. They were both girls that worked at gas stations on the way to his dad's place. I remember asking him what I needed to do to improve our sex life, and he gave me little pointers - told me to say things like, "You're doing a great job." It was really strange. I had the sensation while dreaming that he was sleeping beside me.
And then I woke up, and it hit me. He was gone. He wasn't coming back. I would never feel those things again.
It hit me like a ton of bricks and I sobbed and sobbed and pleaded with God.
I feel, once again, as though I cannot keep going. I have no energy for anything. I feel as though I've been swallowed by all of this. I feel as though I've dug a hole, been tossed into in, and now I'm just waiting and waiting for the dirt to fall over me so I can hide.
I keep having to resist the urge to ask him to come over and hang out. I will not call him, dammit. I'm fairly positive that he'll be alone in his place tonight. I don't see him spending the night at his dad's. Maybe he's spending it with the slut, but in all honesty, I don't think so. I'm willing to bet that this girl has family, and in my mind's eye, he's by himself.
Ah well, whichever is the case, Christmas is shaping up to be a nightmare.
