Making my own good karma!!

[25yearsmlc]

SC,
you asked my to stop by and I've read some of your posts. I'm a little unclear as to the origin of the sitch. Your h had an A of some sort, (one night, whatever) BUT he moved out OR you've moved out or both?

So, you are living apart. Your h was living the single life and maybe still is, AND shared that desire to sow some wild oats, with YOUR SON...and confided his adultery and then asked your son to join him in deceiving you and hiding it from you. And as he is not living at home, in effect he has left you AND s17. Correct so far? Now, I'm not trying dig up old wounds, just getting the history.

Your h also said some other things to your son. SOME of what he told your son IS true, such as the A and going to bars, etc. Maybe the other things, like future plans of staying single are also true? He also said the mc was not something he was sincere about? Why don't you believe this?

Your c won't confront your h but wants you to do so, AND says your h has not opened up much with c. Get a new c. Or don't bother bringing your h as he's only going through the motions and for the life of me, any c who hasn't made some sort of break through within 6 sessions is no longer treating within the standards they use here. I don't mean necessarily big changes, but something that shows you are heading in A direction.

Are YOU getting much out of it? I went to 4 or 5 diff t's and c's, liked them all, but h didn't like the answers they gave so he stopped going. That was telling. I found the DB books and finally a DB coach and it was actually cheaper to buy 3 sessions with a DB coach who gave specific advice for me to follow, than to keep going weekly to someone my h either disliked or who just listened and nodded, or said "get a D", it's over, etc.

One c that my h did like was a DB type counselor I found nearby. Also of great help. I highly recommend them. But this was after a few years and only after h felt he was losing me and our kids. His R's with them are healing, but he admits his choices "cost him dearly"... wish he'd said cost THEM dearly, but he may have felt that too. I won't over think on that. H loves the kids and wants to be admired. It's harder to admire a guy when he screws up so badly and tells your son. But alcoholics who get sober make amends and "man up" often quite well, with a lot of integrity born of humility and faith and inner strength. It can happen.

I'm mainly troubled by what your M is doing to your kids. What it teaches your S about women and you. You made the speech in November, you said a lot of things that are not all against DB principles, I thought you were spot on some points. BUT then you didn't enforce or live by your words. In November you confronted him and then...nothing. Oh, fwiw, drop the whole "Test the slut for STD" routine. It looks vindictive and changes nothing! Get tested yourself....I mean, why give her that weirdo power? To make her look slutty to your h? Oh, sure I see that...and so does he...

Believe you are worth more than this and act on it. You know, you can move on and shut a door and not look back and GAL!!! Dosen't mean it'll all be over forever with h. Your h knows you well enough that IF he thought he was losing you, and IF he wanted to reconcile with you, he'd find you and break down the door and try to win you back. DO NOT TELL HIM THIS... have some mystery though, and soon.

But it's obvious to HIM anyhow (and your son and daughter) that you are waiting around for him and lapping up any verbal scraps he throws your way. THis is teaching your children that someone else can determine whether they are allowed to be happy. Am I to understand also that
You've risked your nest egg to subsidize a life style for him which hurts you AND YOUR SON? Your h has or has not kept his word on these matters? That isn't okay. You did this based on your h's word that he'd sell the dream house later on....??? Honey, you need a L even if you DO stay m. Sorry.

I know it's Christmas time and I don't want to hammer you too much. But for SOME Ms to survive, they have to end and start over. I've seen it twice in my own family and heard of it in others.

It takes a real break and "freedom" to see the truth sometimes. Maybe you'll have moved on and maybe not. My sister's exh left her after 22 years and 3 kids and broke her heart. He had been half way out the door emotionally for awhile, though once they'd had a deep connection. She really loved him deeply. But she had no choice but to move on. She met a good guy and a month before her remarriage, her ex called to say he'd been wrong, and make a mistake and "F-----" up, etc. He understood when she said, "Thanks, but no thanks" and she told me now that she is in a M where IT is the priority, she'd never go back to what she had with her ex. Granted, kids got hurt and that sucks. But if her ex had never left her, her kids would never have seen a successful loving M either. Her ex did her a favor. MAYBE, your h is indirectly doing the same. I don't have all the answers but please tell me one significant action your h has taken that shows commitment. If you can't do that, there's your answer---which is NOT to say to divorce him but to say that you don't see those signs so you have to act as if you are to find happiness w/o h.

Please protect your assets and stop fearing that if you set and enforce a healthy boundary that you will "set your h off". That's rotten to let fears of him cost you AND YOUR SON financial security and besides being a doormat never brought a man home either. BEsides, what will your h do? Leave you? Oh wait, he already has....

I dont' know why some MLCers come back and some don't. I DO know that the ones who DO come back, invariably saw real changes and 180's and GAL in the LBSer. And we, the LBSer cannot GAL BECAUSE of the WAS or to get them back. It's just the opposite, though it does seem ironic that it is also what is most likely to get their attention.

Enough R talk. I would NOT EVER initiate R talk with your h again, as long as you live apart. LET HIM do that, and btw, his silence IS not confusing, it's just cowardly.

Expect NOTHING from this man but decent courtesy and whatever the courts require of him. Stop trying to fix the R's with the kids and don't burden them anymore with your pain. Your d24, in my opinion, had totally normal feelings of anger and betrayal and then you chewed her out, in reality, why? Wasn't it to gain points with your h, don't you think? I mean, I do agree that there's an innocent kid out there who doesn't need public bashing, but other than that, why chew out your D for defending you and expressing her anger?

IS it that It made your h mad and you were afraid he'd get mad at you so you blamed HER?... Why were YOU involved in this at all?
Okay, the statement about each person taking responsibility for their happiness was interesting, you wanted your h to "get it". But Do you?

Be the author of your life's novel, as I say often around here. You are letting your h write too many chapters of your life and that is not his job. The comment about disrespecting you, which your SON made to you re: your h...was tragic. You must combat that. Not with punitive measures, but healthy protective measures.

Yes yes, there's a fine line between them, I know. But find that fine line and walk it. You ARE being taken advantage of and though baby steps are nice to see, they're meaningless if not followed by ACTION, at SOME point and a real recommitment. I don't know what to make of living apart and still seeing a c, without any changes and who admits he cannot get your h to open up....what are you waiting for? IF YoU are getting something out of it, then by all means keep going. But your c cannot fix your h and your h may not even be doing this except to check it off his list of how "he tried" to make it work, blah blah blah.

BTW, I could not "reach" my h for a few years, either and neither could ANY c until h was ready and that only happened after he had felt the loss of his family. I was moving on and getting happier about it. H had to overcome some things for me to trust him, not making him eat crow but come on, of COURSE some changes are needed or why would we set ourselves up again? your h isn't making the real ones though. Like vowing to keep vows and coming home, and NEVER telling your son anything like that crap again. THAT alone freaks me out and is a new one for me to hear.
He had ZERO self awareness of being a good father or loyal h. It was disrespectful but NO, I don't think it's worth discussing now as you've said your peace. No need to repeat yourself. And he did apologize...

Getting a life and a PMA about your life WITHOUT your h is clearly your first course of action, (and protecting your assets). MAybe he'll see the light and maybe he won't. But you MUST be happy again, in front of them and your h at least, and model that for your son and D, or when they face their own heartaches, they'll be devastated beyond repair. Teach them that this is NOT fatal or eternal and only WE determine our happiness. Prove it, don't just say it. And dont' bother telling your h any of this. He can't hear you. He'll notice what you DO, not what you say, unless it's nasty and then it'll validate his bad feelings.
If he is rewriting the marital history like most WAS do, then say "sorry you feel that way, but that's not how I remember it" and CONTRAST TODAY'S family life with the negative image he's trying to hammer into his head as justification for leaving.

At home, where he does NOT choose to live, there are fun things going on with people who love him, who are doing interesting things with exciting people but make sure YOU are LIVING WELL so your h can "get" that he is the loser here. If he says you are an anxious person, do a 180 and DO NOT CALL HIM in your panic attacks. Get meds or call someone else. That'd be a 180 for you. And you have to face those moments alone someday anyhow as he will not always be there for you anyhow, he could die, and furthermore, it'll add to the burden your son already feels for your happiness. Sons don't make good husband substitutes, although they can take the trash out.

Again, protect yourself. And your son/daughter. Just b/c she's 24 does NOT make this hurt less. Their pain is real and understandable and get out of the way of their R's with your h. Let life give your h the consequences of his behavior without you chiming in to help enable, and maybe get some of his gratitude, or obstructing his R"s with them which will make you look vindictive. Just back off on that. LEt each party speak for themself and say NOTHING about it.
Tell them to talk to each other, not you. I am not saying to file for D or that all hope is lost. I'm saying protect yourself, and finally, I know this hurts. But

By GAL and moving forward, you will become a woman only a fool would leave. If your h is a fool, then you are better off in the long run without him. And so is your son.

good luck and have a peace filled holiday with a new fun tradition with your children and have zero expectations of your h. If you see him, that's nice. If not, so what? No expectations means no disappointment...make sense?
j-