Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

Well, I spent Saturday afternoon thru Monday evening with H at his house.

I had a pretty spirited debate with the RM (and H) regarding my concerns about what is happening in the house. They agreed to make changes; just not as dramatic is I think is necessary. SS goes into rehab mid-jan and has been sober (no alcohol, no nothing) for over 3 weeks now.

While we were arguing (er, I mean, debating), my H was enjoying himself a great deal. To the RM he would say "That's why I love about her, she ________" or "She's a smart one" or "She is the most wholesome person I have ever met". I never knew he considered me the most wholesome person he's met.

I helped switch my SS into a different(bigger) room. It kind of got me upset near the end. I worked my butt off moving stuff. After it was done, I just felt so sad and let out a big sigh. H heard me and asked if I was okay and I said "You wouldn't understand." He took me aside and gave me a hug while I cried some. Then he sat down with me and rubbed my feet. He said he felt like "a real douche bag". He just "can't say what I want to hear". I asked him what he thought I wanted to hear and he said "That you should move back in and we can go back to how we were." I said "Well, then you don't know what I want to hear. Because I don't want things to go back to how they were. and secondly, I am not ready to move in. There is rebuilding that needs to happen. BUT, I don't want to spin my wheels. I need to feel like some sort of forward movement is happening and then I am important in your life." He apologized and agreed that he has been being a jerk and hasn't been showing me that I am important.

I told him that it was hard to do all that work for the house I *used* to live in. Because it helped SS get more comfortable, I could do that part with a cheerful heart, but it still was hard on me. I said I felt like a total outsider and he said I should feel welcome. That he, SS and RM care about me and that he wants me to feel comfortable.

I found out that more of his friends know about me than I realized. I asked if his manager (who I have met several times) knew we were seeing each other and he said that actually the managers SIL had met H and liked him, so manager said "SIL likes you" and my H said that he was seeing me, so he was not interested. His manager was not surprised to hear that he is still seeing me. H feels like he looks like a jerk/a'hole for making it look like he was done with me (to the outside world) and clearly he is not done.

He bought RockBand 2 as a Christmas present for the house, and told me that I get to be the drummer (or guitar player) and can come play whenever I want. That I am "part of the band".

So, having said all that, I am watching VH1 top hits from the 90's while I write this, and I just don't think I could 'handle it' if his band made it big. But I suppose it's because he isn't committed to me.... They were talking about these certain lead singers that dated different stars, showing pics and I thought- "OMG, what if he makes it and then I have to see him on TV and magazines with models and stars?" Now, that might seem crazy, but all these people started out as "nobody's". And he sure seems motivated to do something with his music before he can decide about me.