Hi Beth, Anxious...It's a word I had never really considered in my life before...I've never even really felt that much in the way of stress before. But in the last few months I do think I've become acquainted with stress...and in the last few weeks I do think I've come to know a bit of what it means to be anxious...
What makes me anxious these days? All the changes I have to work on at once...that's something...so too is the big, big shift in finances...working as a freelance writer has its historic ups and downs - and while things were fine just a month ago and look like they'll be fine again in January..December has sucked...mostly because a lot of the money I had set aside for holiday travel, holiday expenses, and the December drop in income - has gone toward picking up the cost of my W moving out - and of having to maintain a household on one income rather than two...
Add to that the anxious feeling that comes with looking at ghosts at night...the ghosts that come to me as memory and haunt me as my eyes refuse to close and my mind refuses to find a calm place to rest. There are ghosts here in my mother's house - ghosts in the absence of playing with my baby boy in the snow, as I had expected to, and the more damaging or damaged ghost of my wife searching through the snow for my wedding ring - after I had taken it off - and she had put it on and went outside to play with my S11...I had taken it off just after we arrived at my mother's home...and I found out about her affair...
There are happy ghosts that pierce my heart - stopping in to remind me of how nice it was to stop at a favorite cafe on a cold day like today, and sit with my W and talk about our plans for having a baby...and there is the ghost that I find within myself...that specter of the man I had hoped to become, and somehow that apparition still insists on dueling with me - as if to challenge my determination to begin anew...perhaps aware more than I care to admit, that I do not know or understand with calm clarity what it means to be, much less begin, anew...
My son and I were both feeling better today - he got over his cold with magical swiftness...while I woke with the head of a zombie...but just fought it out. We played soccer outside in the snow this afternoon, after our bout of last-minute Christmas shopping (no lines anywhere...talk about haunting)...and now we're just relaxing a bit at my mother's house.
Last night, my sister, her husband and their two kids came by my moms to say hi...and it was frightening to me to see my sister acting toward her husband in the same way my wife acted toward me...he was being kind and playful - she was snipping at him and correcting him and putting him down...and it seemed so unnecessary...I know they have their own issues at home...but I also recognized the signs of a real serious problem...the fixer in me had to be tamed...and so all I could do was mention to my sister that we can't fix our partners we can only repair ourselves...but she already seems far along the path toward becoming another WAW...
On the fixing front...I can see where I get it...just a day in my mother's house and I want to change her light bulbs, repair the leaky toilet (which I'll do tomorrow), add more insulation over the windows, and clean out some of the clutter (which I will not do). My mother also has a terrible cough - and both my sister and her husband asked me to tell her to go to the doctor because, according to them, she only listens to me. According to my sister, my mother will ignore their advice until I say the say thing and then tell them, "Well Carlos said that..." (only in Spanish)...so that's the role I've been raised to play...the fixer...and it's put an unfair onus on my back...which I am learning to set down without the attending guilt that used to seize me and make me strap that burden on tighter...so much tighter, for fear that letting go of the burden I would mean that I didn't love someone enough to carry it for them...and therein is my need for letting go...and therein is the hope I carry into the new year...
I'm back after finals and eventhough the end of the semester is tough, I do hope you join us in the teaching ranks. We need people who want to be here w/kids and male role models are at a premium.
Also, I'm very happy to hear you kick starting finishing your PhD again. Keep after it while you've got it on your mind. Strike while the iron is hot and get this off your "To Do List" asap.
I'm still so proud of where you are right now and I understand your pain and emotions right now. It is very high and low for most of us a we're adjusting to the newness of everything in our sitchs.
I personally think your journaling is good. It helps to get everything out. Just remember to put out your thoughts and don't analyze the situations or discuss expectations of your W. Keep the focus on you and you alone.
Also, you mentioned wondering why W is acting different to you recently, but try to step out of this trap. It just sucks you in emotionally to what she's doing. It is hard and I'm sitting here as someone who couldn't do it myself, but keep the focus on you and your boys.
BTW - for what it is worth, she's acting the way she is b/c you are no longer acting the way she expects. Your changes have helped to disarm her and you've taken back some control so she doesn't know what to do. Stay as dark and distant as possible and keep working on you. She'll come back as needed, but you've got to keep the oven mitts on b/c you'll get burned if you aren't careful.
You are doing great and I'm glad I've been able to give you a weapon to use when you are feeling weak. I had many weapons given to me by my wonderful, loving friends here on the boards, so I'm glad I could pay it forward and I hope I can continue to do so in the future.
Finally, when you had S2 and you weren't sure if you should initiate contact or wait for her, remember ALL BETS ARE OFF WHEN IT COMES TO THE WELFARE OF YOUR CHILD. That being said, what would you want W to do if she had the "sick" S2 w/her? I'm guessing you'd really appreciate a status report on how he is, right? Just something simple in a short e-mail or text ("S2 is doing great w/no fever" or "S2 hasn't had any problems, is acting normal and seems to be ok"). Doesn't have to be long or deal w/anything else than the health of your boy.
If my XW tells me D is sick, I check up on her via text and XW will respond. It should be a courtesy and the one time it is OK for you to break the contact/no contact rules of DBing.
Again, keep it up, my brother. I'm impressed w/your progress.
RTL PS - I did get your personal e-mail and info. Did you get my reply?
Rob, Glad you're finished with all the finals - that should give you a chunk of time for you now right? How long is your holiday break?
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Also, you mentioned wondering why W is acting different to you recently, but try to step out of this trap. It just sucks you in emotionally to what she's doing. It is hard and I'm sitting here as someone who couldn't do it myself, but keep the focus on you and your boys.
I suppose she doesn't quite know what to make of me anymore...I don't have any contact with her at all other than to talk with my baby boy - or to schedule time with him. She's with her parents now, and I'm sure it's not what she was hoping for in terms of getting a break - her father is just too damaged a person for that...and I'm the one paying the price for a lot of his sins...no...that's not true...my wife is the one paying the price...I am the one that is getting stronger and loving a person that I wish could heal from her past.
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BTW - for what it is worth, she's acting the way she is b/c you are no longer acting the way she expects. Your changes have helped to disarm her and you've taken back some control so she doesn't know what to do. Stay as dark and distant as possible and keep working on you. She'll come back as needed, but you've got to keep the oven mitts on b/c you'll get burned if you aren't careful.
I've been looking for some professional grade oven mitts - since the ones she bought for us a few years ago were just decorative in my opinion...they couldn't take the heat in any real way at all...I definitely need to have some high-grade ones ready because I still hear the heated anger in her voice - all I have to do is ask how my baby boy is doing and that's enough to get her angry...makes no sense, but then again, I'm not expecting much in the way of sense from her anymore...the anger and irrational responses are a lot more consistent.
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You are doing great and I'm glad I've been able to give you a weapon to use when you are feeling weak. I had many weapons given to me by my wonderful, loving friends here on the boards, so I'm glad I could pay it forward and I hope I can continue to do so in the future.
And I will be paying it forward myself. No matter what happens with my R/M, I value what the good people here do for one another...I marvel at how generous people are with their time, with their stories, and with their compassion. I just look at what Kalni, BBJ, Bettou, Tawnya, Puppy, you, NW, KenF, SmartCookie, MFT and so many other good people are going through, and I'm calmed to see that there are so many friendships that develop here...it's an astounding support network unlike anything I've known before.
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ALL BETS ARE OFF WHEN IT COMES TO THE WELFARE OF YOUR CHILD.
I agree...I sent her one note on the first day he was home sick with me - just letting her know how he was doing - no response - the next day, more of the same - and then the same on Saturday...so I just sent her quick TMs giving her an update on him...she never does so for me...nothing even close...and so I just ask her myself how he's doing - and she gets annoyed - but that's her problem not mine...
The last time she visited her parents her sister was there - and my W took S2 to the emergency room because she insisted he wasn't breathing right - SIL is a nurse who has NICU training - and when I talked with her after the visit she said she could not believe that my W took a perfectly healthy baby to the ER...apparently my baby boy had been playing with SIL - running around and laughing - just before my W took him to the ER...my W never told me about that...she just told me that he was having trouble breathing, and I kept wondering why he didn't seem sick at all when they came back the next day.
It's odd how the geographic distance is affecting my thoughts - opening my mind a bit - even helping me realize that I'm not (no longer?) in as much pain as I thought I would be. I expected that I would land, come into my mom's home and just hold her and cry...didn't happen...same thing when I saw my sister...my eyes watered when my sister asked me how I am doing - and I said I'm doing okay, but not great - but then my sister quickly interrupted me and said, "you're so skinny!" (I've worked off about 25 pounds in the last few months (10 before the bomb, 15 more after...all through exercise and healthy eating - no depression or lack of appetite).
Anyway...when I didn't cry with my mom, I thought it might happen with my sister - but nope...no tears. Not that there isn't some sadness in me - I miss my baby boy like mad...which hit me especially hard when my S11 and I were playing outside in the snow...but being here is also reminding me of a lot of the things that didn't work in my M/R...perhaps because there was always so much drama in the trips out here or back...such drama that eight years ago I had already wondered if my W was right in her head...after she threatened to throw my son's shoe out the window for kicking the back of her seat as we drove along the highway...It was a ten-hour drive - he was three - I pulled into a rest area and made her get out of the car for frightening my son - and when she got back in the car she told me that a man inside the rest area told her, "a pretty girl like you shouldn't be with an ogre like that."
Hint of things to come...and one that I ignored all too well...she later insisted that she was joking when she pulled off my son's shoe and threatened to throw it out the window...she even brought it up with her sister once, asking SIL if she remembered when their father would joke with them like that - SIL responded by saying, "that was never funny, it was terrifying." Man, I feel so dense right now...but there must have been something in me that felt a need to be with someone like her...something about working through unfinished business I suppose...and yet, through all her darkness, I always saw (and still do see) this incredible person just wanting to come out...and be loved...
{{{Carlos}}}} You know, Beth is right, you should reread that post above that you made..the honesty and the intelligence of knowing these things is astounding..isn't it amazing how much growth comes thru something so absolutely horrendous and terrible?
I pray that the "ghosts" go away and leave you to a life of peace, which you so truly deserve
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Hi Tawnya, Thank you for your prayers...I too hope these ghosts go away so that I can have some more peace soon - though I also realize that the best thing I can do to make them feel less welcome is to take more charge of my life. I've let things be too much over the years - and just haven't taken the kinds of chances I used to take - the types of fruitful risks that make a difference in one's life.
When I look back over the last several months, it amazes me just how many mistakes I kept making - and just how inevitable it was to arrive where we are now. My W didn't really have a choice but to leave - I can see that now - especially since I seemed to be (and continue to be) such an obvious trigger for her. With her out of the house I have a lot of peace - and also a lot of quiet in which to see what I've been doing wrong over the years - not just in my marriage - but in terms of my self and my career.
While I make a living as a copy writer and have written some stuff for children's TV - it's not the writing I love - and it's not the living I aspire to...my first love is fiction writing, then screenplays, and then essays...so the copy writing I do doesn't even come close - and it's mostly served to pay the bills. I miss the inspiration of being in a story - and I especially miss the intense inspiration of being in a classroom - all stuff that I had given up about nine years ago...and haven't had time to revisit until now.
Rob, I so appreciate your encouragement for me to get back into teaching - I used to teach intro to composition and critical reading classes - so my plan now is to take the first half of next year to get back into reading and writing more, work on my dissertation, and look for a teaching job. I may start by doing some volunteer work at a museum near where I live - since they are looking for volunteers to teach high school students about some of the manuscripts in their collection...(I had studied medieval literature - and have a lot of experience with manuscript care, construction and translation). When I left Berkeley it was partly because of a conversation I had with some other Comp Lit grad students - I asked them which books they liked at the time - and they looked at me like my head was made of some kind of rhetorical puzzle - these were five friends of mine that I respected very much - and that had all reached this point where they didn't love literature anymore...they cared more about the criticism of it...and that disappointed me - since that's not why I went into it.
Now, looking back, I think it was foolish of me to have been so disappointed - as I realize that it's very different to read literature as someone that aspires to write fiction - and to read literature as someone that aspires to master the knowledge of what's been written. To me, brilliant literature is an inspiration - a reminder of how much work and discipline and care it takes to write something beautiful - while the critical approach seemed to focus more on finding picking apart the beauty and parsing it into pieces for inspection...kind of like an autopsy.
Carlos, i'm swinging through again. just caught up on this thread.
you've changed, my friend, i see that in your writing. its hard to pinpoint, you seem to be a few steps back from the core of the sitch. your perspective is a few degrees different from what it was last month. less immediate pain.
i like your idea of hanging a stocking for your W, in my sitch i just cant do that. but my D3 and i worked on a xmas present for the stbxw from D3, i bought them a cookbook for kids and matching aprons, D3 and i used some cloth paints to dress them up a bit. just wanted to make sure the D3 gets her mom something.
i've been seeing this commercial during hockey games, and dont know if you've seen it, but its applicable to all of us here.
How did you change your display name? I tried simply changing mine in my profile. I know we must get approval, but just not sure how to accomplish that.
I am not the most computer/web savvy girl and have used my husband's nickname. I just learned that if were to google my nickname, it would lead him right here.
I am a bit nervous now and reaaly want to change my name. I wonder if the administrators could change my name in all my old threads?
This is weird - I see by my post that my name has been changed but not to one I picked (it's me, Beth). UGH
Oh...you didn't pick VeronicaV? That's interesting. I just went into my profile and entered a new name under "Display name" (a few hours later - and once by the next day - it was changed in all my threads).
I just googled bettou and it didn't bring me to DB...though I did see that B*th B*ttou gets one here...that said, when I searched for sablebr*w - my first nick - it doesn't bring up any of my posts here anymore - though somberbrow does bring up some hits even beyond this place...(though my W doesn't know I changed sable to somber...).
Don't worry too much - once the admins approve of your name it should change throughout...besides, from what you've said of your H and where his thoughts take him, I can't really imagine him searching for this site...right?
...weird...as I was typing this my W called...I had already talked with S2 an hour ago - so there wasn't a reason for her to call - I didn't answer - and she didn't leave a message...that's fine...didn't really want to talk with her anyway. I've been having a relaxed time out here - no tension, no strangeness, a lot of fun with my S11 - and loads and loads of time to reflect on things...and even time to realize why I went from sable, to somber to healthy...though I'm still a work in progress in that regard.
Sharon, Veronica, Beth, B*ttou? May we just call you Sybil? ;-)
KenF, Hey - so glad that you'll have sweet D with you soon - that's just wonderful.
Thanks for swinging back through - I remember when I started to notice that your tone had changed in your posts - that your personality had started to come through more - especially your humor - I was so glad to see that - and I hoped that I might get there someday myself.
I am feeling very different these days - aware of how much I have to do for me and my kids - and also aware of how much I used to hold my W accountable for things that really were my own issues. Of course, she still has her stuff to sort out - but knowing that I can do NOTHING to change/fix/convince/sway/correct her frees me up a lot. And it's a freedom I've chosen to take into other aspects of my life as well - I still step in and help strangers - but I don't try to take care of everything around me as much as I used to - instead I let people take care of things themselves...it's an attitude adjustment - but I think it's been helping me a lot.
That hockey commercial had me cracking up...but I came back...indeed.
