talk to me like I'm five when you speak of computers, okay? I'll Just..ummm, well, I'll just wait longer next time I want to search??
But I did successfully do it once today, so it's as if you're allowed one search try per log in. At least that's how it is now, and I do believe this time of year there are a lot of us here.
Question for the Alpha males, h is home for the holidays. He is back from the east coast where he's been working to be near his mom, who has cancer. I suggested this very thing, LAST SUMMER, as in, for a couple months. But she is surviving and that's a great thing, but there's some uncertainty as to how long he'll remain there before joining us here like a "normal" family. It has been a long time, although we were together with d11 in Alaska. So periodically he visits for weeks and takes over.
The question is why does h insist on "taking over" things when he gets here? Not everything is in need of his improvement and frankly, it does feel like a critisizm and often, it is. He is non-stop "re-organizing" instead of relaxing, although at night he'll have a glass or two of wine (new behavior he gets from his brother back east, who is a conniseur, but also a heavy drinker and since my fil and late father both were highly functioning alcoholics, I"m not crazy about seeing h drink), and then gets tired and goes to sleep. Granted, he "awakens"... when I get in bed, but still, it's a turn off and a bit of a red flag for me. I do drink socially. This time of year especially. Other times, it's maybe 1-2 drinks a Month. In my past, I drank way too much. I'm lucky to be here, when I consider how wild I was in college and law school.
ANYHOW, I want h to relax and stop the projects. Honestly I do feel guilty about some projects unfinished that I should/could have done, and angry at h for not finishing the ones I need him for, that simply are not important to him. And since I have been overwhelmed at times by the unpacking and re-arranging and it has been months since we returned, I can see I've been mildly down, or lazy?
We've travelled for 3 illnesses and deaths and probate, but still, I could have done better. I'm Feeling a lack of direction in my own life and that seems to paralyze me, which contrasts with H's hyperactivity. (BTW, an acting coach of mine said that "depression is often just a lack of direction"...and I see that can be true.) The d's and s22 have also commented in the past that h cannot relax and they dislike his method of "organizing" which is to dump a box out and let you figure out where everything goes OR to go through MY private stuff, like DB notes, and probably read them. H may be snooping for stuff, but there's no OM. There are some bills he may not care for, like old lawyer bills from 2 years ago. Geez, what a rehash!!
I DIGRESS again. I just want to know how to say to h, "relax, please" and not to take over. WHen I said to h that he was "marking his territory" and that it made me feel defensive, he was dismissive of this. Actually made it worse and lacked any self awareness. I realize I have been the ONE to go to therapy and counselling through out all this and not h. Ironic.
These are the times I think, "I know we're together and reconciled...but I don't like him much and if he is always going to be like this, why bother?" But it has been so long since we've been in a stable home, I can't tell what's temporary and what's not. When he lives out here for real, and I am working full time again, I'll have a housekeeper which DOES help THIS particular M, generally. H hates it inside, I suspect b/c of numerous comments he has made in the past about the cost. And his own mom was a good housekeeper in her day, and worked. I'm not a good housekeeper and don't want to be I guess. I mean, I make an effort for our bedroom and I am a bit of a gourmet cook and I do make money and write (and I'm brilliant, interesting as hell, beautiful, hilariously witty, and MODEST...)....
so what's my problem? What's his? Why is he cranky with us? I mean, he's damn lucky we took him back. I see those words and realize that LBSers have this ongoing problem sometimes, don't we?
We feel, sometimes correctly, that we have more than paid our dues in the M and that maybe they have not. Therefore, the returning WAS, the prodigal whatever, should shut the he-- up and do whatever we say. As if they've forfeited rights to future battles.... Yeah, I might be "right", but this approach doesn't bode well for success, does it?
Guess we have to ask whether we want to be "right", or alone? Okay, I've vented and can probably keep my mouth shut another day...maybe... And since I might be over reacting to the alcohol issue, is there a loving way to say, "hey lighten up on the booze, so we can have FUN later on..." kwim? Hmmm, You know, there's no really great way to say that is there? It's almost like suggesting Viagra...
Oh, I like that line.
Merry Christmas, sorry for the hijack but Alpha Males, I await your insights...that includes you Frankd, especially. Do i just let h "take over" the home like how the dog is fed, where we eat, when we "are allowed to have desert" since h feels digestion must first occur....blah blah blah and then go back to my/d's way when he leaves? I mean, the "plan" is that we are actually going to live together long term soon, again. So at some point, the struggle for power needs to be resolved. I don't care about the small stuff, I care about feeling critisized, especially when it IS exactly that;criticism. Feels as if h doesn't have the "right" to that at this point. But did he and I ever? Maybe none of us ever should have. Maybe we all need to work on just accepting each other without the carpish remarks, or rolled eyes, heavy sighs, mutterings. But when h does that, the d's notice. Am I being a doormat? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you're still talking computer stuff to me like I know what I'm doing...I will literally have to involve d19 to "join" facebook under your names. But I shall do so, in the next 3 days when h isn't around.
FYI, d19 is the one who finds it weird to have parents on facebook as she thinks it's spying (which in some cases it definitely is) or trying to look young (like MLCers do.) I think I'll tell her that as I don't want to be her "friend", (so there!) it obviously will show her that I'm just really "up to date", "au currant", basically very cool, young at heart, blah blah blah... Oh, hey guys, you forgot my alpha male question. What's with the control thing? I mean, are you leaving your mark or what? I have to go find my WIld at Heart book again I guess. s22 does it a little bit too. Not the cleaning organizing, but deciding with great gusto, what we should play/watch/see, etc. Hmmm, you men can be bossy can't you? Okay, truth be told, I don't want to be in control most of the times. Jesus, I'd love to be taken care of...where are those rich guys who tell you how great you are and look, and pay for everything b/c we "deserve only the best!"???? hmmm???
Okay, see you here or on that facebook thing... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You know 25, when we try not to be in control, and we ask our significant other things like....
1. Where do you want to go for dinner? 2. What movie would you like to see? 3. What would you like to do this weekend? 4. What should we get mom for xmas? 5. Are you ready to go.
We get the typical response of.......
1. I don't know, what do you want to eat? 2. I don't care, whatever you want to see. 3. What did you have in mind? 4. She's your mom, what would she like? 5. Do these pants look good on me?
So for us, many times it is much safer to be alpha males and say the following instead......
1. I made reservations at Macaroni grill for us tonight at 7. 2. I want to see "the Yes man" and it is playing at 7 so we need to leave by 6:15. 3. I made hotel reservations in Nashville this weekend, got us tickets to a show Saturday night and tickets to the Titans game on Sunday.... go pack. 4. I got mom a day at the spa for xmas, she needs a relaxing day. 5. I will be out front in the car in 5 minutes, I will leave in 10 minutes.....
It's not so much about being bossy as it is about avoiding the dilemma that is trying to figure out what not to ask a woman....
You ask a lot of great questions. It seems you would like some Martian solutions, and that is what we do ... we fix stuff, even when it ain't broke. Maybe part of what H is doing, is what men do. He may be trying to fix things he sees as needing his super powers. You on the other hand, see no catastrophe. That in itself may seem to be a problem to him, until he finds some way to understand the differences in Mars-Venus. Being a Martian, I suspect he quickly discounts references to the whole notion that the two don't naturally understand each other.
I don't remember exactly if any of your questions about late night behavior might be addressed in the Mars-Venus InTheBedroom edition ... but there is a lot of good communication stuff in there if you already read the first edition. Otherwise, a lot of assumed concepts get glossed over and missed.
Venutians do want to be put on a pedestal and adored, made to feel more Venutian and less Martian. We like to see you in that role, and get credit for the deal. But when the Martian sees you perform so much of the day or compete in the Martian world, they tend to overlook your natural Venutianess. They need reminding. While it is our nature to want to please the mate, we do need it pounded into us what it is that pleases, as well as offends. Mixing the two is not a one to one ratio.
Oh yes, that Aw-Sh!t rule again. One Aw-Sh!t wipes out a large number of AttaBoys. Oh wait, I mentioned the wrong rule. I meant to use the LoveBank theory. Only that theory focused on how women deduct five of a guy's love deposits from the bank every time he creates a negative transaction. The inevitable ability of a guy to create negative transactions without intending to is certain to result in a negative balance at the love bank soon, unless he learns the importance of making extra unscheduled deposits often, to cover his occasional withdraw.
Uhmmmm ... lost in thoughts, what were your questions again?
Best wishes for a wonderful holiday season to you Frank, 25, Jack, and the many great DBers hanging in there for each other.
sort of.....